Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Monday, 10 June 2019

A Start Of June Battering

As transitions into June go, this year has been pretty brutal. 

I woke up in Croatia on June 1st after a much-needed and gorgeous wedding guest mini-break with Jon and some of our best friends. Child free none-the-less.   Fly home day. 

Woke up with swollen - couldn't get my shoes on - feet and not feeling quite myself. Nothing unusual about not feeling myself on June 1st, I know. But at the day went on a slightly sore tickley throat and cough got worse and by bedtime I felt pretty rubbish. 

Sunday I woke up feeling positively unwell and by the afternoon very unwell. Throat and ear pain and ill, swollen neck and face ill.  A Monday GP visit to a viral infection (isn't it always?!) and high blood pressure diagnosis. Still ill enough mid-week to need Wednesday and Thursday off work. Thankfully Thursday was turn the corner day and able to get my shoes back on my feet day. 

Now a full week on I'm feeling mostly better. Still coughing a bit and not feeling quite 100% but better. Tomorrow I have a some blood tests (unrelated to virus) and blood pressure check to make sure it was only an illness related high blood pressure last week but in the meantime, Jon and the children haven't shown any sign of catching whatever it was.

Which leaves me pretty sure this viral whatever it was, is entirely linked to my reaction to a month. Like not a real virus at all but another manifestation of grief, almost like an allergic reaction and my entire anatomy effect by a month of the year.  Ill because the month changed to June. 

This year it seems my reserves are lower than ever and last week felt like a battering. 

I feel like I've lost a week of preparing myself for the month and all of a sudden it is now the 11th tomorrow, with ten days to go to her birthday, with not enough prepared.  Tonight I'm feeling a running out of time panic. An ever familiar nauseous ball in my stomach. 

I'm glad to be feeling physically better this week though. Even on a good month I've little time (quite literally) for illness. There are never enough hours in the day to get my job and the rest of life done as it is! 

At the weekend we bought Belle's ninth birthday presents.  The annual visit to the garden centre. To buy presents for our should-be nine year old.  The. Garden. Centre.  Garden ornaments.  Even though the boys were instrumental in the choices and their input is always precious... and even though they are pretty and girly purchases, they're still not what would be buying if she were here. At least I assume it isn't what we would be buying. Unless she particularly wanted a fairy village in the garden. Fairies being the theme her Daddy decided on for this year.  

Every year I feel somewhat angry that we don't really know what girls of her age really like. Not really. We make half-educated guesses. Land on something appropriately girly. 

So presents have been chosen. 

This week flowers will be ordered if one of us can steel ourselves to go to the florist. This year I find myself avoiding it. I've never known the 11th June without flowers ordered before. Another location where birthday money shouldn't be spent. Tomorrow that needs to get done.

Then Sunday we endure 'the day, the 16th, in collaboration with Father's Day. Then those five lost days ticking up to her birthday begin. The no-mans-land days of 2010. The just waiting. I haven't got a firmed up birthday day plan yet either.  

I'm so unbelievably already distracted by next years birthday. 

NINE means we're just twelve months off Belle being TEN. A decade. Double figures.  Distracted because I remember my own tenth birthday and how grown up it felt to be in double figures. Like a rite of passage.  Distracted because I'm already awash with anxiety about next year. A super significant 2020.  I wonder every year how another year of my life has ticked by. How the date is June 20andsomethingdifferent when my mind for this month always says 2010 to me. But ten years. A decade. That is a hell of a lot of growing up and getting older time. 

I may not have firmed up a birthday plan for this year quite yet. I have ideas, I'll set a plan in motion this week.  But next year, I'm planning to do it all a bit differently.  A bit differently like we would've if she had been here for such a significant birthday. Like we will also for the boys. Traditions starting with Belle. Our children's tenth birthdays will mean a quirky get away! 

We might not even be home at all on her actual tenth birthday. Which I have no doubt will present its own anxiety and guilt ridden challenges for me. But its ok isn't it? To plan to do something different that we might have done on her tenth birthday anyway. To not be here. To not necessarily be graveside on the actual day? 

I think I want Belle's quirky tenth birthday to have a beach / mermaid theme. Something like a beach-hut stay.  I've done a bit of googling tonight. Something not too far away but still away. I want to find something magical.  Magical that also doesn't break the bank. I've been surprised by the costs of weekends away that are not a Premier Inn on the longest day of the year so far.  

So if anyone knows of somewhere magical and quirky between an hour/hour and half from Cardiff that will fit the brief please send the links my way please! 

This year I'm distracting myself by already fretting about next year. Fretting how we'll mark it with the significance it deserves, beyond a quirky weekender. 

But anyway. I need to shelve ten for another time. 

Tomorrow I need to refocus on Belle just turning nine and get my act and plan together around that. Because a plan is what always sees me through. 

The ever changing symptoms, coping mechanisms and lack thereof this time of year never cease to amaze me.  Illness and distracted thoughts are right up there this year. 


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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