Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Thursday, 21 May 2020

A Month Today

A month today will be Belle's 10th birthday.  

Which just seems so ludicrous. Ludicrous that a whole decade has passed by.  Ten years living without her.  Ten years filling my life with my boys, but living without her.  I cannot even fathom ten years today. 

I feel massively under-prepared for her birthday. 

Coronavirus has pulled her birthday plans from beneath our feet.  

We had booked a beach hut styled cabin in the Gower for her birthday weekend this year. Something different, something special for such an important milestone birthday.  I had agonised over changing our, her birthday routine. Had felt enormously guilty that we wouldn't be home to decorate her garden on her day. 

But when it came down to it, it felt the right thing to do.  If she had been alive we would've aimed to make her 10th birthday different, and that bit more special. Made a fuss of going into double figures and all that. So it felt only right that we do something really different any how.  Just like we will do for the boys (and you know, come the Autumn I will need to think a year ahead for Xander's double figure birthday plans!)  So back in August (!) we booked the cabin and started thinking about how we would theme a 'Mermaid Beach' away birthday for her.  I imagined spending the whole of her birthday on the sand. 

Clearly we're not going now.

We've been offered a change of dates and re-booking. But we've made the decision we're cancelling completely. If we cannot go for her 10th birthday weekend, we cannot face going at all. It wouldn't be the same. 

Ironic really that I have spent so many of her birthdays these last few years with the urge to run away. Then the year we bite the bullet and book an away birthday we end up more locked down and restricted than ever! And more-so willingly restricted because leaving the house is enormously stressful anyway and of how desperate I am to keep the boys safe slash hugely anxious I am of the boys becoming ill at the moment. But that is another blog for another time. 

Now I feel like I'm running out of time to create a Mermaid extravaganza in the garden instead. Every time I start browsing online for ideas I start feeling panicky. There is a lot saved in a list I need to start picking through.  Last week I ordered her first gifts; something for our wall, and a Mermaid "10" birthday rosette. It sent me down a black hole for a few days, drained and exhausted.  That moment every year where I start choosing items that probably wouldn't have even been on my radar had she been alive. You know, like a mermaid ornament to go up the grave.  

Today I've set myself the task of ordering the bits for a birthday cake, so cake toppers and whatever are here in plenty of time. Because that is the other stress isn't it in all this Coronavirus nightmare. Not all parcels are arriving in a timely fashion at the moment!  Today its feeling too much. 

It is really difficult this May to pick apart what is May / June anxiety and what is Covid anxiety. What an intense 10 weeks we've lived already. Everyone. Of course everything feels heightened at the moment in whatever part of this insane situation we're all feeling overwhelmed by.  But the usual spiral has started the last ten days too. And then on top of that the guilt for the boys, more than ever this year when little about life is normal, that they need me to be strong and normal and not going to pieces for the best part of six weeks or more. 

Birthday build up Twenty Twenty; feeling like everything is out of my control, panic, chest racing, restlessness, impatience, poor sleep.  And feeling angry. So angry. 

Here we go nearly June.


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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