After Anabelle

It is safe to say Twenty Twenty One is the year when blogging for me has fallen off the edge of a cliff. 

Maybe it has reached its natural 'end'.  

Normally at this point in the year I would've written at least four birthday blogs, one for each of the children as well as usually a spattering of 'June' posts. But this year?  I scraped in Lucas's half birthday post and that was it.   

I think this space no longer serves the purpose it did.  

I can't say with definitive reason, why.

A massive shift for sure in the available time and energy. As each year passes it feels like the number of hours in a day decrease and the demands on my time increase. Why do I always feel like I'm chasing my tail? 

A shift in the world, a shift in mindset.

A shift into the next season of grief. 

June 2021 and Anabelle's 11th birthday was probably the 'best' birthday she had. 

The birthday where I scaled back the expectations on myself, the pressures to fit so much into her day. Where I dropped the theming. The birthday for the most part where I allowed myself to just 'be' on her day.  That isn't to say there was no plans. For a start we had completely mixed it up by going away for the weekend of her birthday. And it was marvellous.  Escaping for the hardest of weekends of the year. 

We woke up on her birthday two hours from home with no agenda to make it back or even visit her grave. Instead, we all dressed in pink for her and spent the day as a family, practically alone at Pembrey Country Park. And the lack of in stone agenda was freeing. 

Which is just as well, because when the car broke down (a second car, in two weeks breaking down on us) on the way home there is no way we were making it back even if we had planned too. And the most remarkable of all, when this disaster would've tipped me over the edge on this day of all days any other year, because I had freed myself from the agenda, allowed us to pause and breathe and just be all of the day, actually we took the broken down car in our stride. 

We got home eventually, and we had a McDonald's for tea. 

 For all the other counselling blocks I've attended in this last decade, 2020 was the block that freed me. As ridiculous as it all sounds. That a stranger post June-2020 heart-event saying it is 'ok' gave me the permission to move into a new way of navigating through Belle's next birthday.   Because if she were here eleven probably would've started to see a real shift in how she would want to celebrate her birthday anyway right? The start of shopping and sleepovers with friends?  Grown-up girly pampering trips, or the cinema or restaurants? Who knows, but I know its ok for us to go with the shift too. 

Oh yeah there was still the familiar guilt that crept in because her grave wasn't decorated until the day after her birthday - but this year I gave myself the grace to do it all differently and let it be ok.    Going away worked for us.  I know we won't be able to be away on her actual birthday every year, and the majority of years it won't work that way. But a run away weekend in June is definitely on the cards for the foreseeable, giving ourselves space to breathe. Where shall we try for 2022? 

Grief and healing progress, right? Growth. 

Growth in some ways anyway.

Twenty Twenty One has been heavy hasn't it?  

It feels heavier in some ways as this year ends, than it did at the beginning.  

And gosh, I felt at the end of my rope this time last year too; the end didn't really feel in sight then either, we started the year in another lockdown that we didn't fully come out of in Wales until May and beyond. So many months apart from families and friends; milestones cancelled. So much to make up for. 

But as we went into 2021 we had the vaccine roll-out and the hope of that being the salvation of disastrous situation. That by now, at the end of the year, surely this would all be over, or at least practically over. Because the vaccines were going to win, right? 

Maybe I've been totally naïve but I certainly didn't envisage with three jabs in that we would be starting yet ANOTHER year with restrictions, impositions, cancellations. More rules. And lets be honest will any of us be surprised is Boris or even more likely Drakeford announce another full scale lockdown or at least further lockdown restrictions of sorts within the first few days of the new year? 

It almost feels inevitable at this point; the daily 'worst ever' 'record breaking' figures and headlines each day this last week just seem the drip drip effect to us facing another indeterminate number of months 'stay home' again. 

Will it ever be over? 

There is so much I could probably say about this. In fact I did, and then deleted it because it just sounds like moaning and complaining. I'll be reminded I don't really have anything to complain about and others have much worse to contend with, which they do. 

I remind myself that we've been lucky for most of what we've wanted to do since May - the build up to any special occasion has been crazy stressful of epic proportions but we've had experiences of bucket list quality this year, memories for a lifetime. I mean actual Lapland. I can hardly believe we managed it. We've been so lucky. 

I remind myself that we've personally had a 'good' pandemic- no one close to us has been tragically affected by it all, we've not experienced loss or long term illness.   And I fully appreciate what a complex situation it all really is; everyone has their viewpoints depending on which part of the pandemic you're bobbing about it, and all of those viewpoint have validity don't they.   

I'm at the 'we can't go on like this forever' stage. But I know there is no easy fix, there is no easy answer.  You can't please all of the people all of the time. 

Personally, I think what it boils down to is my not coping well with uncertainty. And we've had almost two years of just constant uncertainty.  It boils down to the constant feeling of living life on a knife edge; and I'm so over it. 

It is exhausting. I am exhausted.  

I saw an article saying we're all so exhausted we need a new word for how exhausted we all are. 

I could relate! 

Maybe I should be handling it better. 

Even if I should be handling it better, it doesn't change that the knife edge life is making me feel unravelled. Honestly sometimes I don't feel like all my mental faculties feel very stable. Which might seem dramatic and I could get accused of 'first world problems' - but especially since September I've just felt continually, perpetually overwhelmed with every element of life being so always coloured and infused with uncertainty, stress, worry, anxiety.  I've lost count of the time I've burst into tears for no reason, or felt panic rising over absolutely nothing. 

Almost two years of being on 'high alert' feels a lot even without some other pretty major stuff for us this year on top. I just wish 2022 wasn't looking to be set to be 2020 Part 3. 

Please tell me I'm not the only one who is feeling bogged down by it all?  That would make me feel better! It isn't just me is it? 

Please tell me it is ok to recognise how good we've got it comparably but still be emotionally struggling with 'Covid-Life Fatigue' too?  

Anyhow... let's move on. 

These was the good things and some very good things of our year. 

Thank goodness there are still good things and good times. 

The shining lights, people and moments in another rollercoaster of a year. 

January 

2nd - We're still finding new routes to walk around our local area. 

4th - A brilliantly muddy walk in the nature reserve today. 

6th - Zac's first gymnastics class on zoon. He absolutely loved it, so bouncy and excited and so lovely to see him enjoying joining in something new. 

9th - lovely photos of the boys at the park.

14th - Xander creating some lovely Australian Aboriginal inspired art and enjoying his Australia topic for home-school at the moment. 

15th - Lucas doing his first reading book with words! Super star effort. 

16th - A lazy pyjama day and family board game afternoon.

 19th - Getting teary watching Zachy do the gymnastics song at the end of his zoom gymnastics lesson today. Just wonderful how he is taking to it. 

20th - Zac painting his seasons tree while listening to Vivaldi seasons.

21st - Mummy and Xander walk around the block. 

24th - SNOW! 

24th - First Covid vaccine... is this the start of things getting better? 

27th - Well-being Wednesday - we decided no home-school today. 

31st - Snowy-Sunday walk. It started snowing quite heavily while we were out walking and sticking. Something kind of magical to be honest. Another new route found and our first visit to Juniper Park. 

February 

5th - After a difficult week where we didn't know which way it would go, Grandma getting better again. Being able to see Grandma in person this week. 

6th - Another muddy walk adventure in the nature reserve. 

7th - Daddy chasing them around Juniper Park.

9th - Memoji play and making all our family memoji's! 

16th - Such a lovely mood all day today. 

23rd - Zachy and Lucas going back to school again.

26th - Zac star of the week for a super first week back. Well done him! 

27th - A walk around the river.

28th - Fun at the park. 

March

1st - St David's Day - even if Xander thinks he's too grown up to dress up in traditional welsh dress anymore! 

2nd - Fully vaccinated - second jab day.

6th - Making the best of Jon's 40th birthday at home. Ok we didn't make is to Bluestone as planned (re-arranged to next March) but we had an awesome 80s themed party day at home and we all dressed up. Lush family photo. 

7th - I'm 36 - we managed a walk with friends on a nice dry day. So nice to see other people. 

13th - Colouring evening with Zachy.

14th - Mother's Day. A really lovely family drawing from Jon. 

15th - Xander gets to go back to school. 

17th - Headteacher sticker for Zac for super work. 

18th - World Book Day books - even if the boys couldn't go to the shop themselves to pick them this year. 

19th - Superhero dress up day in school.

21st - lovely photos of the boys. 

22nd - A haircut for the boys! Woohoo for things opening up a little bit. 

26th - Zachy graduated RWI and the reading scheme. Free reader now. 

27th - The boys went to play in Nana and Bampi's back garden again. We hold out hope for an extended household being allowed soon. 

31st - Calm and successful hospital procedure. Hysteroscopy and coil fitted, all looked normal inside so hoping it helps ridiculous period and migraines now. 

April 

2nd - David and Anna's zoom wedding. We still dressed up in our wedding best. 

3rd - Oh freedom to go places again that are in the car a bit further away. Cwmcarn Forest Drive for the win, even if Zac did find being out somewhere overwhelming today. 

4th - a sunny Easter Sunday morning at Fourteen Locks easter trail. 

5th - We drove somewhere even further away. The joy a car ride gives you these days! Swansea for a Treasure Trail kind of day. 

7th - Tredegar House with babyclub! Have missed these people. 

8th - Sirhowy Country Park for a walk / bike ride. All three confidently pedalling without stabilisers properly now despite not using bikes since before Christmas with lockdown. 

13th - I had my hair done and highlighted for the first time in nearly 3 years. 

16th - Lucas reading super well today. 

17th - SIX reunited, again. We missed our cousins (not seen since August).  Oh and thank goodness for emergency care and dentists after poor Xander broke his teeth in a nasty fall off his bike. 

21st - Xander back on his bike like a champ now he has a full-face helmet. 

25th - April becoming all about teeth. Zac losing some baby teeth. 

May 

1st - A very rainy visit to Margam Park with babyclub for Jac's birthday.

2nd - Outdoor dining allowed againn, Tiny Rebel for Sunday Lunch.

3rd - EXTENDED HOUSEHOLDS FINALLY ALLOWED AGAIN! Christmas Day in May for the Villars! 

6th - Back to 'real' karate finally for Xander. 

7th - lovely little Friday evening at the Boating Lake. 

9th - we returned to church.

11th - Zac has finally graduated to a big boy car seat. 

13th - Red belt grading for Xander at Karate! 

17th - Finally having Jon's 40th birthday meal out at Viva Brazil. 

21st - parents night off and the boys having a babysitter sleepover. Cardiff overnight with Sorreya and Keith! Bliss. 

24th - IKEA haha! 

24th - Zachy going to real gymnastics in person lessons now! 

26th - we managed to find a pink frog bike in time for Zachy's half birthday. He is chuffed to bit with it. 

31st - we're going away on an actual weeks holiday! Woohoo! Plymouth for half term. 

June

4th - loved kayaking with Daniel and Janet and co! 

4th - Daniel playing the knight in shining armour and driving  me and boys home after the car broke down in spectacular style on the way home from Plymouth. 

5th - Jon eventually making it home from Plymouth after a 13 hour wait for the AA to recover the car off the A38 (approaching Exeter). 

8th - the boys back to swimming lessons again. 

12th - Babyclub girls day out to Hereford and the Bush Inn picnic bench afternoon tea! (and shopping!) 

18th - West Wales weekend away for Belle's 11th birthday weekend. 

21st - just as well we had taken out full blown AA membership two weeks ago.....! 

July 

2nd - Chinese in the garden with Jo. 

4th - the boys simple joy of the ice cream van at Nana and Bampi's house. 

5th - I'm on the Grandma care rota now! Love that I get to see her properly again. 

15th - Yellow stripe belt grading for Xander at karate. 

17th - We went to the cinema for the first time since February 2020. 

18th - Cosmeston Lakes for Lucas's little birthday party trip with friends. 

19th - Lucas is 5! 

20th - Thomasland at Drayton Manor. Lucas's little face. 

21st - Luna kitten is now part of our family. Besotted. 

24th - Cwmcarn Forest Drive with Daniel Janet and co. 

28th - Cardiff Swimming and Cosmeston Lakes with Jo Harri and Ethan. 

August

1st - Married 12 years and Tintern Treasure Trail 

2nd - Lush day at Tredegar House with the boys. 

5th - Jungle Cruise at the cinema with Xander (and the cheeky just us Harvester date!)

7th - Lucas and Zachy trip to Build a bear.

8th - Jon and Xander had a nice day playing Warhammer at firestorm games. Xander totally made up being allowed a can of Pepsi while on Daddy's watch! 

9th - Newport Treasure Trail and Jon having a week off work. 

11th - Olympic Park, London.

12th - Hyde Park Treasure Trail, Lego shop London, Hamleys! 

14th - The Royal Mint 

15th - Dolcothi Gold Mines 

16th - Paw Patrol at the cinema with Zachy and Lucas. 

18th - Babyclub day. 

19th - Cheeky Monkey's soft play with Rhi and Harry. 

20th - Grandma is 92! Feels such a special day after our scare earlier in the year and lush taking her out for a family trip to Penarth. Love days like these. 

23rd - Lush trip to Carmarthen to see Hannah Jack Katie and George. Trip down memory lane around the uni campus again and enjoy Dinefwr national trust too. 

25th - nice trip to the Boating Lake with Zachy and the nearly year 3 crew.

26th - Barry Island for the day with boys and Mum. 

27th - a night off again and a overnight stay in Cardiff (even if I didn't end up feeling very well - start of back to school germs even before we're back to school - not Covid) 

31st - Zac and Lucas both getting swimming badge. Lucas getting a Stanley 3 after only 4 weeks of toddler swim lessons and going into Nofio 1 and Zac passing Nofio 2! 

September

6th - back to school we go...

8th - The Botanist evening meal our for Lex's birthday. 

13th - Zac's autism diagnosis being confirmed. 

14th - 'Ladies who lunch' at Grandmas 

15th - loving my new classroom lights! What a difference they make! 

16th - Xander loving his new sparring mitts for karate. 

18th - Cardiff Bay with bikes and cousins - even if it didn't work out with barrage being shut today!

19th - Whole family photo and ALL being together at the same time for Dad's birthday. First time since December 2019. 

23rd - Pick me up gifts from the Babyclub girls. 

25th - Frozen at the theatre in London for Zachy's 7th birthday (10 months late and 3rd time lucky because of Covid life) 

October 

8th - sneaking a peek at Zachy through the door doing gymnastics at his class. 

9th - lovely day in Plymouth for Isla and Xander's birthdays.

10th - Xander loving life having a bowling birthday party with his friends. 

14th - Harvester tea and the cinema to watch the Addams Family for Xander's 10th birthday. 

15th - Amazing treehouse weekend away for Xander's 10th birthday.

23rd - Plymouth for October half term. 

November

6th - Cwmbran stadium fireworks display for boys even if I ended up staying home. 

8th - Zachy's school certificates and finally starting to settle into Year 3. 

12th - Girls weekend in Cheddar Woods and all 6 of us made it despite a week of uncertainty with Covid tests and general stress! 

14th - Shopping day in Clarks Village. 

19th - The boys dressing up as 'people who help and inspire us' for Children in Need. Made very cute little teacher, scientist and doctor! 

22nd - Lucas graduating to the big boy car seat.

24th - Lucas being so super excited for his school trip to Enflate!

26th - Zachy is 8! He had a great day at Jump soft play because he had a training day. 

27th - Cwmcarn Forest Drive again with cousins. 

28th - Luminate Light Trail at Margam Park. Perfect little birthday trip for Zac. 

29th - Mummy and Daddy's Christmas shopping day! 

December 

1st - My class Elf Day - loved the staff selfie!

2nd - Zachy super happy on his Techniquest school trip. Super pics of him on class dojo. 

3rd - The boys have finished school for Christmas, avoiding anymore Covid contact pings before our super surprise special trip. 

4th - we posted letters to Father Christmas. 

5th - Lucas being super keen to play the pinao and doing really well at picking up the first two pieces in the Jibbity F book.

11th - Roo's birthday outing to the Roman Museum. 

12th - LAPLAND! ACTUAL LAPLAND. IT HAPPENED!  WE MADE IT!

13th - Yllas Frozen Lake and swing, snow exploring.

14th - more snow play and restaurant dinner. 

15th - Reindeer experience.

16th - Snow hotel 'Ice Palace' trip.

16th - A midnight adventure with Janet and actually seeing the Northern Lights when there was only a 10% chance! Thank goodness for beautiful stars and night mode cameras! 

17th - Santa Day. Just magic when he had their actual letters in his hand! 

18th - Husky experiences and Festive Feast end of holiday meal and kids party.

19th - last play in the snow before flying home.

21st - Arse. 2/5 Covid positive on the post-travel PCR results - however both boys are completely well. Will enjoy the idulgment of lots of lazy pyjama days this week. 

23rd - Me and Zac decorating Belle's grave for Christmas. 

24th - We finally decorated the tree in the living room. 

25th - the boys enjoyed Christmas day even if I found it all a bit flat and not very Christmassy. 

27th - Board game Monday. 

28th - Another epic lazy day and finishing another book!  Negative Day 8 PCR results for Jon, Me and Zac.... 

29th - last day of isolating!! 

30th - FREEDOM! A puddle jumping walk at Tredegar House, even if some of the children were not being very enthusiastic about it! 

31st - a little cousin bike ride to complete the year. 

152 plus memories created, moments recorded, happy days of Twenty Twenty One.  

I'll finish with the Instagram Top 9. I love the Insta end or the year top glimpse - its become my end of December routine to punch my name into the app and be fascinated by the Top 9 photos that appear. This year we have Belle's 11th birthday weekend away, Jon's 40th birthday at home, Zac's beaming little face on his Frozen Theatre trip, Luna joining our family, Belle's 00:08 hours on her birthday, the boys crossing the threshold back into Nana and Bampi's house after 7 MONTHS again for Christmas in May, Zac's autism diagnosis, Mother's Day and the Northern Lights! 

2021. The year I'll remember as the one when I really loved reading again (a Kindle for Christmas 2020 has seen me read 45 books this year; not the 52 target I set myself, but still up there... mostly Julia Quinn and the extensive Bridgeton series but also re-reading some classic texts I read for my English Literature A-Level.... George Orwell's 1984 anyone!? Amongst numbers of other books too... always up for new reading suggestions too if anyone has any!), the year I slept at least 30 feet in the air in a treehouse, the year I saw the Northern Lights and went to see Santa in the actual North Pole of Lapland.

And not forgetting, also the year when laterally flowing oneself multiple times a week became a normal thing to do. 

I wonder what on earth Twenty Twenty Two will have in store?  

Nothing would surprise us anymore would it?! 

I mostly hope by this time next year life feels a little bit lighter and a brighter picture will have been painted for us all. 

Here we go... hold on tight everyone.  

#betterdayshavetobecoming