Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Wednesday, 23 October 2013

Thirty Two Plus Three to Four

Thirty two plus three.

The last few hours Anabelle was alive. I went to bed at 11pm; having thought she was quiet but foolishly and falsely reassured myself listening to her heartbeat on the bonding machine we had. Thinking we would go in in the morning if she hadn't woken up a bit. She didn't wake up. Instead sometime overnight, during the early hours of thirty two plus four my baby girl died. 

If only I could turn back time and re-do that night. Maybe she would've still been alive to see thirty two plus four. Maybe Doctors could've tried to save her. Instead while she died, and slipped away, her mother slept. I slept when I should've gone to the hospital before going to bed. 

Tonight I am thirty two plus three again, for the third time in my life. I'm scared of tonight, scared of tomorrow. These milestones etched into me when life shattered into uncountable pieces and will never be quite the same again. 

Zachary hasn't been quiet today, he is wriggling around even now. I've no reason to be concerned. He has been scanned today, he was happy and healthy and growing well. Today has marked the furthest into a pregnancy I've got without being admitted to hospital for threatening premature labour. I hope I haven't spoken too soon and of course will be entirely unsurprised if I am admitted between now and his birthday, but one day further on to start off with is important nonetheless. So why am I so scared? Scared that by the morning he won't be with me anymore. 

Last time I was thirty two plus three and going to sleep I was already in hospital, having been admitted the day before threatening premature labour with Alexander. I remember sobbing as Jon left at the end of visiting hours, terrified what the night would bring even there and being on my own. Sobbing on the midwives that I was scared to go to sleep. So they listened in to Alexander throughout the night, waking me up so I could hear he was still there as we went through to the morning. Alexander lived, he kept living. He was born screaming and perfect four very very long weeks later. 

Tonight I don't have that. And I'm still scared to go to sleep. There is no listening in tonight. Just waiting with bated breaths for kicks and wriggles from Zac. 

I hope I can celebrate being thirty two plus four in the morning, and that Zac will be older than his sister ever was.    


Anonymous said...

Please don't blame yourself for sleeping when Anabelle passed. The doctors could have found her heartbeat like you did and put her on a "wait and see" trace. If she passed suddenly there might not have been time to try save her no matter the fact that you were already in hospital. I know it's a case of that you'll never know, but the likelihood is that they would not have necessarily realised she was about to die so suddenly that very night and there might not have been facilities or staff ready even if they did realise something very serious was going on. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's not your fault, it's nobody's fault. x

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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