Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Thursday, 17 October 2013

Pregnancy Turbulence

I've been so very up and down.

When anxiety hits about our unborn baby now it is crippling me. Here we are, Week 31, and I'm just waiting for something to go wrong. 

Last Friday evening we ended up on delivery ward, again, after convincing myself I hadn't felt Zac all day. Of course I must've, but work is so crazily busy that I haven't the time while I'm there to give Zac and myself the attention we need. Light little wriggle movements are no good to me. They don't reassure me, because I don't trust my judgement. I need focus time to really notice what is going on inside my tummy, and I need Zac to give me big boots! 

As always, the hospital were marvellous with me. And of course as soon as I was hooked up to the monitor Zachary started having a party in my tummy. 

A little concerningly the trace was showing some uterus irritability with regular tightenings, approximately four minutes apart. You know, signs of my usual performance on the horizon. I so really hope not. Anyway, the midwife got the Doctor on duty to come and have a chat about the tightenings who said a trace like that makes them worry a lady is about to go into labour. It didn't feel like I was going into labour. Strong Braxton Hicks, yes, but nothing like the last two times I've threatened the whole labour thing. Uncomfortable, not overly painful is the difference! Doctor seemed reassured I could tell the difference and allowed me home with a list of things I should and shouldn't be doing to reduce the risks of it happening again. The consultant backed this up on Wednesday with her orders to rest. 

We'll see I guess. When I'm 'up' I really don't feel like it will follow that pattern again, somehow it feels a bit different this time, but when I'm 'down' and the weight of the baby is pushing down there I'm convinced something will kick off any day now. Emotionally I'm feeling all over the place, which is hardly surprising I guess as we get through these next few weeks. 

I'm just rubbish at being 30+ weeks pregnant aren't I! 

I'm just dominated by thoughts at the moment that in Anabelle's pregnancy we had no idea that she just had one week left to live. Despite the threatened premature labour, the very thought she could die hadn't entered our minds. We thought she was going to be born early, but not dead. I was discharged, she was fine, or so we thought. We were so oblivious that our little girl was 'breathing her last' in this week. 

Rationally I know 32+4 means little for subsequent pregnancies, but it is a milestone I have to get past and right now I'm struggling to control the anxiety surrounding it. What if Zac is also 'breathing his last'? I have no control over whether Zac lives or dies, as I didn't with Belle or Xander. All I can do is hope and use the NHS system to its max to reassure me and constantly check on him over these final weeks of pregnancy. Which I'm doing, and with an excellent supportive consultant behind me. She is so intune with my emotional angst at the moment and is trying to remove any extra pressure for me. 

So that's me. Hoping that if we can get to a week Sunday without incident that I'll calm down and feel a bit more on an even keel again. 

P.S. Alexander had a wonderful 2nd birthday, and as soon as I find a good half hour I'll write his two year update and all the clever things our beautiful boy has learnt to do these last six months. He makes me so proud every day, such a bright, loving and sensitive boy. In the meantime, here is his birthday video photo journey From One To Two... what a blessing he is! :) 


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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