After Anabelle

Is Mother's Day ever going to feel better? 

I want it to, if only for Alexander and Zachary as they get old enough to understand what it is and when they'll have some expectation of it being special. This is probably the last year of special days meaning little to Xander and therefore my being able to ignore the ones I want to, like this one. Next year, he'll get that Mother's day means something special. Or at least should.

I want it to be a happy day with my boys, Jon asked me if I wanted to do anything this year, but I don't, apart from put some flowers on my little girls grave. Maybe we should've planned a day trip or something, change the focus, I don't know. But once again this year I'm approaching it with twisting anxiety and guilt. Every time an advert reminder come on the TV, or I walk in a supermarket with their 'Mother's Day' display right at the front of the store,  my stomach feels a ball of knots. 

While I feel I should be focusing on the boys and how blessed we are to have them; how much I love being their Mummy and how much I'm enjoying everything I get to do with them, instead all this feels overshadowed by my absent baby. How much I miss her. I want Alexander and Zachary to feel enough on Mother's Day, but they can't. And I feel so guilty about it because they are so very precious to me too.  

Mother's Day just makes me feel so incomplete, uncomfortable.

Why does it even exist? So much pressure.