Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Thursday, 5 November 2015

Reflection

I know I'm very late bringing this workshop to a close now; but I'm determined to finish it. 

I think I have needed something like this for a long time. Something to focus my thoughts and make me make time for my mind and revisit areas of my grief; to show my how my grief is different now, to show me where the rawness has softened and open wounds are becoming healing scars.

It has made me open Anabelle's memory box for the first time in a very long time, years really, at least two. Not since her 3rd birthday when I completely lost myself in the trauma of grief. I've handled things of hers I wasn't sure I could bear to see, her first dress, the coming home outfit that never was, re-read the letter that we left with her and look at the book full of things I put together for her.

I didn't manage to watch the DVD the photographer gave us of our pregnancy photos, or the video I put together on her 2nd birthday, I didn't dare listen to that music. But that is ok too. The box out of the cupboard was enough; at the moment Anabelle's box is on our bedroom floor and hasn't yet been returned to the cupboard. Maybe before it is returned to its home I'll empty the box completely and look through the contents in their entirety. Maybe that can be my 'Sunset' activity over these next few days.


I no longer really believe in the stages of grief that the counsellors talked so much about in those early days. Sure, they exist, but not in a beginning to end type journey, where they tell you eventually you'll reach acceptance. Maybe that is true of some grief, but not the soul-changing forever life changing grief after the death of your child. I don't think I'll ever truly accept my daughter died, not in that way. 

I see my journey more as a pendulum swing now; always hitting somewhere along this curve.  Sometimes hitting the better more positive places than others.

The approach to and the month of June might always be my nemesis. The annual trauma when my mental and emotional health take a battering. Her birthday each year feels harder,  it leaves me bereft, its a place where I cannot find healing. I there, in all those those stages there on the left hand side and there at the bottom. June is my crisis. Bewildering, chaotic, spiralling out of control, heart hurting and chest hurting painful, breathing painful, exhausting, frightening even. Crisis. I'm not well in June.

But right now, today on the 5th of November, I'm at the top side of the right and I'm well.  New strengths, developing new patterns, new plans, feeling hopeful and its a good place to be.

This workshop, this summer, this autumn, has been good for me; like a little confidence boost. A recognition that I am healing in parts and I've taken so many more positive steps than I realise; especially this last two years. Steps forwards and steps backwards and turning points.


Healing.

Today I saw this on a friends Facebook wall, and it seems very apt. 

At least for today I feel like I am winning.


Day 30. Capture Your Grief. Reflection. 


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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