Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Sunday, 19 June 2016

Six Years

Anxiety is peaking, as it always does this time of year.  

I've been reacting as violently to her birthday as I always do. 

This year it seems to be a sense of panic and constant nausea and sickness is how the physical aspect of grief is manifesting itself. I feel ill in waves, exhausted and drained in waves. I'm starting the day feeling ok, and by the evening I'm done in. Totally done in. 

I'm struggling to separate what is pregnancy related, being that amount of pregnant again, being that amount of pregnant again at the same time of the year as I was with Belle, and what is purely her birthday related. Realistically I know it is all inter-related. Feeling ill, exhausted and drained is as typical of an increasingly heavily pregnant woman as it is symptomatic of grief. 

June is always so hard and I feel like I'm stuck on repeat.  

The usual downward spiral to these few days. The days between the day she died and the day she was born. Limbo days. 

Anabelle's remember day last week was especially hard for some reason this year. I don't remember feeling so utterly drowned by it last year. Maybe I was. Thursday there was lots of lying down, feeling so unwell, and violently vomiting by tea time. Drained. An evening spent with constant palpitations and an ever rising panic in my chest. Tighter. Tighter. 

Six years on and a date remains so so powerful. 

These few days I'm struggling to calm myself down. A sensation of on the verge of panic has remained there is waves. 

Today I've been at my best for days. Tonight I feel ok. 

Tomorrow is the day before her day. 

As usual the build up to Anabelle's birthday feels too much. Just too much. 

And this year I'm 32 weeks pregnant at the same time. 

Just as I was six years ago. 

Six years. 


Lulu said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Why are we not born with the ability to rewind time once in our lives. Why do bad things have to happen to good people. Why do other people seemingly swim through life while others suffer... Why are some things just not fair. I hope you find some peace at this difficult time xx

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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