Thursday, 11 August 2016
21:37 | Posted by Caz | Edit Post
I wasn't expecting Lucas to look like Anabelle. Not like he does.
I expected him to have some likeness to her of course, like I expected him to have some likeness to all of his siblings; they all have shared genes after all. But it was Zachary I was expecting him to be the image of, not Anabelle.
In the first few days I couldn't decide who he was most like. He looked like them all. But as the newly born puffiness started to disappear he started to look more and more like his sister.
I said in his one week update he looked like Anabelle. Now, at three weeks old and already changing a little again, if its possible, he looks even more like her.
At the moment, he looks surprisingly different somehow to his brothers as babies. They all have a likeness of siblings, the other boys had a resemblance of Anabelle at times too, but Lucas, Lucas is the image of his sister in a way the others were not. I hadn't prepared myself for a likeness to be so very very similar. Less like the boys and more like our girl. My beautiful delicate boy. It is beautiful and bittersweet all at the same time.
I've caught myself looking at him and a lump appearing in my throat and tears threatening to prick my eyes, because I can see 'her'. I've wondered if they would've shared their looks if she had opened her eyes too. I've wondered already, who he will look like as he grows. Will he start looking more like his brothers or will he look like Anabelle would've done? In a boy version at least. In reality I know we'll lose the ability to see the resemblance to his sister as he grows, because she did not. When he isn't a baby anymore we won't have an idea if their similarity would've remained.
It has been really lovely that so many people have mentioned on many of his photos, or in messages to me that they think he looks like Anabelle too. My Mum was saying it from day one. I love that other people can see her in him too. That through him she is being thought about and remembered.
We're always aware of her absence, but at the moment (whether it be new baby hormones, last baby hormones, the fact that the baby looks like her or something else) I'm feeling a heightened sense of 'one missing'. The other baby I can see in his face is missing.
Today at an afternoon out at the farm we had yet another reminder, as if we needed reminding, we're one short. At the playground Alexander started playing with a little girl. An Anabelle (or some other spelling variant that the little girl probably had). Watching him run around with her, shouting her name across the playground for her to follow him, watching them play their games and strike a friendship was like a little bolt. Another lump in the throat with threatening tears. Jon and I commented to eachother how difficult it was to hear. Not that there was another girl around us called Anabelle, but the sound of Alexander playing with the name of his sister - how it was supposed to be; if his sister had lived those would be the sounds of them playing together and him calling her name.
I didn't want to include all of this in Lucas's next update a week or so from now (how is he that close to a month old already?!), not wanting moments of grief to impinge on what a joyous wonderful baby he is. We're enjoying him so much, so utterly smitten with him; but there is no escaping he looks like his sister, and tonight I needed a space to say all of this.
If only we had you all.
- After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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