Saturday, 31 December 2016
20:29 | Posted by Caz | Edit Post
Tonight I've just put my little baby to bed, for the last time in the year of his birth.
I whispered sweet nothings to him in his ear about how loved he is, how special he has made this year, our baby, how he has completed us in the only way we can be completed. How this has been his year. His year.
Oh I feel so much regret now that it mattered even for a moment earlier on in this year when he was no longer a girl. Back when those scans revealed what we thought was going to be one thing, but turned out to be another. That is mattered a sonographer had got his gender wrong on the first look. Regret that is hit me as hard as it did and sent me down the path of a grief spiral once again. Yet another guilt of grief moment to carry along. Regret. It shouldn't have mattered and it certainly does not matter now. I feel so foolish that I worried at all his gender, because he was my last baby, could affect our bond. Because that boy is mine, he is him and I love him so.
And the end of 2016 feels significant, a year I'm finding myself wanting to cling on to. The year my last baby was born. His year. Maybe because this is it. 2017 sees the beginning of a brand new era for us. New baby days all done. Pregnancy days all done. No new babies to plan and prepare for. Now we're into the fully fledged childhood years! We're parents raising three rainbow beautiful boys. After Anabelle is becoming a subtitle Raising Rainbows.
Maybe because this year I really have to deal with it and make my absolute peace with it; the biggest 'it' I've buried my head in the sand about for so long, because we really are not having anymore babies, which means we are really really never having an earth daughter. Oh there is so much to explore my head with around that, but that is another blog for another time. 2017 will have to be my year for that. More conscious healing.
I remember feeling somewhat like this six years ago, as 2010 (click to open) drew to a close. Wanting to cling on to the year my first baby was born. Not wanting to pass into another year. Then, it felt like the symbolic change of the year was moving further away from her. Grief was still so so new and so so raw then. I had no idea what 2011 had in store. Of course 2011 gave us Alexander, another incredibly precious year, when the fledging whisp of healing began, but on the night of 31st December 2010 we couldn't see any rainbow and we certainly couldn't see any healing.
Oh how far we've come and I feel so blessed. Especially this year bringing another little baby home.
But tonight I'm feeling some bizzare juxtaposition. The end of 2010 hit me hard and I'm feeling a sad nostalgia as 2016 draws to a close. My first baby and my last baby. Their years.
2016 has been indescribably good to us. I may have started off the year very poorly with a series of colds between us all and pneumonia and all that for me, but the rest of the year more than made up for it!
Joining on the instagram "2016 Best Nine" photos this afternoon highlighted again the absolute sparkle and shine our little baby has added to our family this year, when all nine photos were from the second half of this year and he featured in all but two of them!
This year I have carried on my thing of noting down all the happy, important, funny, wonderful days and moments. From the big things, little things, every day things. I love looking back on them on New Years Eve now.
The highlights of my year 2016!
1st - horrible start to year with Xander's school burnt down to nothing. Xander's sad but cute response Initially quite interested in photos on FB to see what was happening until he realised it was very broken and fireman Sam couldn't rescue it this time and then took himself off to bed for 5 minutes saying he felt very sad and didn't like fire on his school. Poor baby!
3rd - playing tickle and raspberry monsters on the bed with both boys! Very excited small ones - Wound them up good and proper!
4th - the duplo barn Xander built for all his animals after our little animals brainstorm.
7th - first baby tiny scan. 8+1.
15th - lots of kisses from the boys leaving for work. Zac asking for 'another one'
25th - Xander back into school today, not being dazed and going straight to to play!
27th - Xander; I like Lily thought because she is the prettiest thing ever in the whole world! 😂
27th - Zac having his first bedtime wee wee in the potty.
28th - baby scan, 11+3, Due date 15th August 2016. Telling Xander and him smiling and saying 'I hope it's a sister'
30th - Zac in the pool - totally blown away by his confidence. Hasn't been in a pool for a year, and has only been in a few times in total his whole life. But today, with a woggle, he quickly learnt to balance himself, then kicked his legs and moved his arms to swim himself around - totally independent and awesome. So proud. Little natural water baby!
5th - X being really cute and told Zac off for climbing on me saying he had to be careful because there was a baby in my tummy!
6th - Zac surprising us knowing what 2,3,8 was on number jacks game!
9th - feeling so very poorly but loved hearing the boys play together from my sick bed upstairs.
10th - Xander lying on my tummy to give the baby a cuddle. ❤️
13th - sweet darling Small who went to find a wet wipe and then wiped my face because I was crying.
19th - the effort and time Xander took on his duplo house with Nana and Bampi. 4 hours before it was totally finished. Loved all the thought and ideas he put into it, the attic and the roof. extension for a toilet, dining room with table and chairs, steps up to the attic and a sunflower in the garden like Bampi's garden. Amazing!
22nd - Zac dancing along to the end of in the night garden! 'Daisy dancing'
26th - discovering Xander can read 1000!
7th - a new car for my birthday!
11th - Xander, shouting at my tummy; I love you baby! 😍❤️🌈
11th - Xander spelling at bath time with his bath letters. 'Mummy' but backwards!
12th - Crack of dawn conversations about childbirth with my 4 year old! Try to answer he questions that a c-sec won't leave me with a pouch like a kangeroo and that not every mummy needs to have babies out of tummies, some babies are born out of foo's at the bottom. Told him Belle born out of foo, and he nearly was but he got stuck so a Dr helped him out of my tummy, so Zac came out of my tummy and so will this one!
17th - most normal day since 6th Feb. Lolipops am, blooms pm, boating lake!
19th - the boys playing with their cousins and time at the boating lake, watching Zachy really get to grips with his scooter!
19th - Baby finally decided to be properly wiggly, so wiggly even Daddy felt it! The earliest for him.
23rd - Zac trying to tell me about his day at nursery when I arrived to pick him up - play friends, painting, then key worker prompted outside and he said garden!
25th - X is turning into such a thoughtful Big! Small was crying for his morning milk; X suddenly appeared next to bed with cup of milk for him! 😍
25th - lovely good Friday! Easter egg hunt. A drive, a nandos, another drive and a walk around Roath park - loved watching Zac on scooter - he has proper cracked it not and is super speedy, shouting Yee-Haa every time he zooms off! 😂
28th - lovely day at the farm with Sorreya Oscar and Celyn
31st - few days with Hannah and Katie. Dinosaur Land and swimming.
3rd - feeling better about being told girl and then it changing to boy after a very turbulent few days of emotions. Chuffed we have a boys name finally. Waiting on another scan now to say who baby is once and for all.
6th - Mummy and big day with X. Treetops crazy golf, Lego shop, chocolate cake and bus rides.
9th - the playhouse!
10th - day out with Sorreya buying Little its first little bits! Rainbow outfit and new playmat.
15th - naming Little Lucas Elias Morgan 💙🌈 22 weeks pregnant.
19th - Xander feeling Luc wriggle.
23rd - dancing with the boys to the superman song!
23rd - new armadillo city stroller for Zac!
24th - our together 10 years anniversary, and an evening at The Stuffed Dormouse.
24th - Sorreya's baby shower
30th - watching this alien baby move my tummy around!
1st - Mason and Isla's christening and a lovely day with friends.
2nd - lovely day in Plymouth including a wet weather walk around Burrator Reservior
5th - Bestie's baby boy Perkins born!
7th - train ride, treasure hunt and shopping in Cardiff.
15th - listening to Zac sing along to all the frozen songs.
17th - morning in Xander's nursery making a 2D rocket together. 💙
21st - this little piggy rhyme with the boys. Shrieking with laughter!
26th - Zac loving his Elsa dolly present for half birthday.
27th - boys enjoyed their gardening day with Bampi and then pouring water over each others heads!
29th - first day of holiday - blissful morning sat on westward Ho beach after a short stroll from the caravan. Really relaxing day!
30th - Bude swimming pool. Boys loving the waves and water slide. First times on water slide.
31st - Westward Ho beach, watching boys play in the sea puddle. Bowling in afternoon. Zac first time but getting only strike and winning game! Jon coming last haha!
1st - cinema to watch King fu panda. Zacs first time at cinema. Afternoon in Plymouth to play with cousins.
1st - Xander; 'When you go to work Mummy, you are a teacher and look after children, when Daddy goes to work he just disappears doesn't he!'
2nd - pirate crazy golf, go kart race cars, gnome garden.
3rd - wollocombe beach. Gorgeous family day and gorgeous family photo on an evening stroll later on. Perfect family holiday week!
11th - Luc 4D scan - so so like his brothers! 💙
11th - my baby shower afternoon tea at Cwrt Bleddyn.
20th - swimming with Small
30th - happy hands with small
30th - Tgi Fridays dinner time with Big
2nd - Mike and Jo wedding. Zac 'mummy princess dress, I lub it'
5th - Xander's sports day
7th - Xander coming out of school with 5 stickers and his teachers telling me how kind and helpful he's been all day!
9th - ITNG live! Zac's absolute mesmerization by it!
12th - cinema school trip with Xander ❤️ lovely message in Zootropolis film. Well my boy nearly made me cry on his school trip this morning. Decided while we were queuing for the bus to tell everyone that he had a sister called Belle but she died. But she was still in his family and he took flowers to her. I'm not sure where it came from. His TA responded beautifully too. 😢
18th- Xander's nursery graduation
19th - Our perfect Lucas Elias Morgan born, 7lb 6oz at 16.32. Completing our rainbow family. We couldn't be more thrilled!
20th - boys meeting their new brother. Gorgeous photo - my favourite of the year!
22nd - bringing Luc home.
29th - reading We're Going On A Bear Hunt with the boys!
30th - our first family of 5 afternoon out.
31st - watching the boys play in Grandma's garden. Football and then running into each others arms, calling out names for a big cuddle with eachother.
1st - Our 7th wedding anniversary. Cripple creek dinner and lolipops painting
3rd - Day in Cardiff and Jon ordering my eternity ring!
5th - new baby photo shoot with Jenny Healy
6th - St Fagans with Marie and Twins
8th - epic new paddling pool fun
11th - lovely day at the farm.
19th - the boys and the baby. Singing 'baby Luc I love you' to him in the moses.
28th - Folly Farm day out!
29th - Morgan Jones park Caerphilly splash park!
30th - winning a water babies course!
31st - mambo soft play and Cardiff bay beach with Xander.
1st - Xander starting reception
6th - Lucas first smile age 7 weeks. At Xander playing peekaboo with him!
18th - Seth's Dedication in Plymouth
28th - Zac being fabulous at potty training. No accidents at nursery all day. Day 6.
14th - Xander's 5th birthday!
15th - Xander's birthday day trip to Longleat
16th - Xander's Bumble Bee Transformers birthday party!
17th - reading Charlie and Chocolate Factory with Xander.
18th - Xander's family afternoon at school
18th - Costa Coffee with Zac.
19th - snoozing and snuggling in bed with Lucas
19th - Luc listening to Sugalump and the Unicorn, and smiling and really looking at book.
20th - Xander dressed as Charlie for school Roald Dahl day.
20th - the boating lake with Small and Little
25th - autumn walk and pictures
27th - Cardiff museum
28th - Broomstick School at Llanyrafon Manor
29th - Danny's 30th birthday trip to Plymouth
1st - Xander's truly spectacular parents evening. Kind and friendly, well-behaved, and above average throughout his baseline assessment - working in outcome 3 already and towards outcome 4 by the end of reception! Amazing! Grouped with year 1 pupils for maths.
4th - Xander's first reading book home!
5th - Bonfire Night!
6th - Luc's underwater photoshoot and Techniquest afternoon
6th - Luc's first little giggle - at his Daddy making funny noises and faces.
7th - the farm with small. Zac writing Z for Zac in sand!
9th - Xander singing 'When Santa got stuck up the chimney'
16th - Zac star of the day in nursery for Makaton signing.
25th - Zac getting his place in school nursery for January!
26th - Zac's birthday 'I three'
27th -Zac's birthday party!
28th - Zac pointing remote at tv - saying 'turn to Peppa' as of it is voice activated!
3rd - Zac's birthday day trip to @Bristol and ice skating
4th - Santa's magical post office in Cardiff bay
6th - Xander opening his reception Christmas concert and welcoming everyone.
10th - Zac 'Xander, where is uncle Danny's house' - Xander 'past the wavy roof in england'
10th - Reuben's birthday party day in Plymouth.
13th - Zachy - "I not cute, I gorgeous" 😂
17th - Christmas Day with Hannah
18th - Godmother to George at his Christening
21st - day out shopping with Xander and Luc
24th - Clearwell Caves FC visit
24th Zac singing jingle bells
25th -Christmas Day 2016. Lucas face of wonder at his light up rattle, Zac adoring his fairy and Xander loving his slime!
26th - Christmas dinner with the Villars family.
27th - 12 days of Xmas trail at Duffryn gardens.
27th - Buying Zac's school shoes.
28th - choosing furniture for Luc's nursery
28th - Zac's last day at Acorns.
30th - Christmas buffet with Sorreya Keith Oscar and Jac!
31st - Boating lake walk and scoot, Luc's last walk in the carrycot! Sob!
31st - whispering sweet nothings into Luc's year at bedtime as the magnificent year of his birth comes to an end.
One hundred and thirty five moments recorded, not to mention the ones I probably forgot to write down. But if I had to pick just one moment of all, from the entire year? It would be this one. My three rainbow boys, together for the very first time. After Anabelle Raising Rainbows. This was my 2016.
Wishing all I know a peaceful and joyous 2017.
Happy New Year.
- After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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