Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Saturday, 17 June 2017

June. June Again.

Here we are again. 


Those days. 

Yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks. The entire day I felt like I was wading through treacle and then come 7.00pm I couldn't keep my eyes open to put the baby to bed. I was asleep before Lucas was.  

I wasn't just tired, I was utterly exhausted. 

Today has been better. After a wobbly start my nerves eventually calmed and an afternoon in the sun with friends helped. Energy levels have been better. I'm still awake which is an improvement on yesterday after all! 

But it has been the theme of June so far.  For more reasons than even a 'normal' June. Exhaustion. Not 'the baby has had a bad night' exhaustion, but 'grief is here' exhaustion. My body feels so heavy. 


Going through the motions but not really feeling quite all there. 

Even though I spent the yesterday 'carrying on', in work and directing lessons; my body physically was letting me know what the date was, even if I was trying to ignore it.  It is like an involuntary response. 

The day she died.  Knowing hour by hour what was happening seven years ago, life spiralling out of control and obliterating. The pivotal moment when my life changed irreparably forever. 

And I re-live it, and remember. I remember what it felt like to still be pregnant but my baby had died. Even now, seven years later, that blows my mind! She was dead inside me and I just had to wait and wait for an intense induction to work. Five whole days.  

These five whole limbo days. 

Is it any wonder I remain feeling so traumatised this time of year? 

Its as if delayed reality sinks in again and again. 

And it makes me an impatient mother, a crappy wife and crappy daughter.   I feel like I've done nothing but snap and get on at the boys for the last few weeks, my tolerance level for anything but toeing the line is low. And it isn't fair on them and I know I need to be better. I hear myself snapping and barking over such small things and I hate it. Hate it, but can't seem to stop myself doing it. Reacting before I'm thinking. 

Wondering if they're starting to hate me a little bit when Alexander has cried that he just wants Nana at the moment... oh and has called me 'Mean Mummy' on more than one occasion in the last few days too. That isn't to say his behaviour isn't pushing boundaries all the time too at the moment, he is absolutely trying to be a law unto himself frequently every day, but he is going to remember. He is old enough to remember when I was horrible now.  

Urgh. Well done Mummy,  hey. 

Old enough to remember but probably cannot yet understand why. And certainly cannot distinguish between justified tellings off for his poor behaviour or the times when I was less tolerant than I should be.  Cannot correlate time of year with Mummy's behaviour. Maybe I need to try and explain its nearly Belle's birthday and it makes Mummy tired and grumpy and sad. 

Not that is should ever be an excuse for me behaving poorly towards them either.

Somehow I need to start getting better at June. Someone please tell me how. 

I keep telling myself tomorrow is another day. I'll try again tomorrow. 

But Father's Day is tomorrow and not a thing has been bought, for my husband or my Dad. And even knowing Jon largely still wishes to ignore Father's Day, knows that he gets 'extra' stuff is just all too much this time of year, still I feel rubbish that I haven't even attempted to pull it out of the bag tomorrow. 

Everyone and everything is irritating me.  Everything feels a massive effort. Patience is short. Anxiety is sky-high. 

Needing to just be. 

Four days to Anabelle's birthday. Two weeks until July. 


Unknown said...

Oh Caz lots and lots of love xx

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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