After Anabelle

I'm not green fingered, in fact I am well known for killing flowers and plants. We are so useless that my Dad has been called down many a time to tend to my 'garden'. I say 'garden' because I can hardly call it that! We don't have a garden really, just a tiny patch of decorative stone area outside our front door.. But that is where Anabelle's rose lives. Her rose from her antenatal group ladies is one plant I'm determined to keep alive; hence my Dad's involvement with the pruning and seasonal care! 

As we head towards the summer I'm ready to brighten up the outside of my house again. Last year we decorated it for Anabelle's birthday and I'm sure this year we will do the same. 

A few weeks ago on Mother's Day we decorated Anabelle's garden. I don't like saying grave; grave is far to a morbid place for a baby, and so her resting place is her garden.  It is the best it has ever looked; colourful windmills, beautiful butterflies, her heart, an elephant decoration, a blessing from God and many beautiful flowers. Perfect. 

... finding time... 

Alexander has rightfully taken over every aspect of our lives; I am in no way complaining, I love it. I was born to be a Mother I'm sure and I love my life revolving around my children. But how on earth do those of you with children still find the time to blog so regularly? Or indeed get anywhere on time?! 

My blog has always been my avenue for organising my thoughts and processing the stuff I find difficult. But these last few months I've really struggled to find the time to do that and I've posted much less than I want to and often need to. Quite often now I'll have something on my mind but cannot find the time or am often too tired to process it all out here and so instead I drown it out with being busy with Alexander. 

Eventually I will have to find the time to type it out again, but for now, I'm busy being his Mummy! 

And as for getting anywhere on time?! I'm resolved to the fact being late is just part of the course now! 

...Easter

I know the game is to not technically post on Sunday's, but as I'm a few letters behind I thought this would help me catch up! 

Happy Easter Everyone!

It has been a nice day, a lovely service at church, followed by Roast dinner and Xander being spoiled by the Easter bunny! (a.k.a Auntie Bex, Nana and Bampi!) 

But as an aside from the Easter bunny this morning we sang this hymn at church; the message of the real reason for Easter...

This the power of the cross: 

Son of God, slain for us. 

What a love! What a cost! 

We stand forgiven at the cross. 

...the dark... 

I'm afraid of the dark, isn't that plainly ridiculous for a grown woman? I know the dark in my own home cannot hurt me but often the dark makes me anxious. Anxious to walk from my bedroom to the babies or to the bathroom. I HATE coming downstairs when all the lights are off, or upstairs when all the lights are off. 

For most of the time I get over myself and tell myself how ridiculous I'm being and get on with it, and sometimes don't think of it all. But then every so often I have a few nights like the last few, where the dark really really bothers me. 

To the point I've been sending Jon upstairs to turn some lights on before I'll go up to the toilet or to bed. 

I know the trigger and I know its silly; it is because this week he has been watching The Walking Dead, a zombie programme and I'm overly sensitive to scary faces. 

Well at least Jon thinks it cute that I'm a big wuss at times! 

... breastfeeding...

Well I haven't done a feeding journey update for a while, so thought that the letter B was the perfect opportunity! 

Alexander is coming up six months old now and we are still feeding! Now if you've read my previous blog posts on this subject you'll know what a huge milestone this feels for me. In those early days this felt like an unachievable life-time away goal; the difficulty getting established, the feeding shields guilt, epic hour long plus feeds to be doing it all over again two hours later, feeling smothered and trapped, the pressure to express a decent amount. Now all that feels like a distant memory! 

Now we've reached that all important six month mark. 

I can pinpoint the day my feelings changed, when it stopped feeling a chore; the day I allowed myself and allowed Xander to have formula for his late night feed.   

Up until then I had been expressing for that last feed of the day and this had been working really well for us. I was getting one feed 'off' and getting some sleep in before the middle of the night feed started. Until my excess supply tailed off as my body stopped over-producing. Then expressing became a burden, struggling for a few ounces and struggling to find the time in between his epic feeds. 

For days I tormented myself about what was best to do. I needed that break every day, when Jon took over for a little while, but I wasn't getting enough milk for the baby to carry on the way we were. So we considered formula and I got the formula guilt didn't I...looking back it is beyond ridiculous! 

Why did I beat myself up so much about introducing formula for one bottle?   Because in hindsight it is this one bottle of formula that was the beginning of everything getting better! I thought it would be a slippery slope to stopping altogether, but infact it has been the the exact opposite. I truly believe without that one bottle I would've reached breaking point and given up entirely long ago, not here at this golden six month mark! 

The changes we made and the pressure I took off myself was the best thing for my family. 

Now we have fed for six months I know we can do it for another six months and alongside weaning and solid food I would love to keep going until his first birthday! A few months back I never in a million years thought I would feel this way. It took a long time but I've gone from feeling a bit non-plussed about feeding Xander, sometime hating it to now enjoying it! Sometime in the middle of February I suddenly realised I was enjoying it and only enjoying it - all the negative feelings were gone. 

I can't claim to have exclusively breast-fed my son for those golden six months, but all for that one bottle a day it feels as good as! And you know what, I am proud and glad I made those changes that were right for my family. 

So anyone struggling right now, it will get better. It is hard to believe in those shattered early weeks but it will! Whatever better means for you; whether that be like me one bottle to give you a break, exclusively breast, a bigger mix of breast/formula or exclusively bottle... whatever is best for you is perfect because the only thing that really matters is a happy family. 

... Anabelle and Alexander of course! 

I'm late to the party as usual, but I really want to get in on this years A-Z Blogging Challenge.  I feel like I haven't posted it ages and it will be a fun way to get me back into the swing of things.  The idea is each day, apart from Sunday's, you post about a topic starting with the next letter of the alphabet. 

So today, a few days later than I should be, but please forgive me, I'm starting with A. 

And the letter A is of course all about my beautiful babies. 

I talk about them enough through my blog, so I thought I would try something a bit different. Do you remember at school having to think of a word to describe yourself using every letter of your name?  I'm going to give it a go for Anabelle and Alexander, this is actually a lot harder than it looks! 

A - Angel

N - Neverending

A - Asleep

B - Beautiful

E - Enchanting

L - Little

L - Lovely

E - Elegant

A - Adorable

L - Loveable 

E - Excellent

X - Xander

A - Amazing

N - Noisy 

D - Dazzling

E - Excited 

R - Radiant