After Anabelle

Xander has been NINE for nearly a month and I still can't get over it. 

What a giant he feels these days and a shining example of young man he is becoming.  It is shocking how tall he feels up against me. Standing just shy of my chin. Tall, slender and increasingly long limbed.  Growing out of clothes yet again.  I wonder how many years now before he is as tall, and taller than me... it can't be many.  He seems to have grown up overnight. In height, looks and maturity.  The strops that I described last year are all but gone. That isn't to say he is never stroppy or that he never speaks to us with a total attitude; but this year of 2020 has seen him mature so much, reacting like a young man and becoming more helpful in a way that he wasn't before. Maybe forced to mature, because the world became such a crazy place to be this year. 

Xander, it always astonishes me how quickly a year goes by and that I'm emailing you the snapshot of your year again. Eight was definitely the year of maturing. Reacting and behaving more responsibly. Taking it on the chin and accepting the consequences when you don't behave appropriately. Becoming ever more helpful around the house (even if sometimes it is for the bribe of some pocket money!); getting ever better at tidying up, entertaining your little brother (even when you don't want to!), helping make breakfast for you brothers or taking the recycling out to the bins.  

There was even a time this year where you washed up for us because the dishwasher broke down.  I reminded you that a dish washer was still a luxury item to have in a house and that a good deal of people still didn't have one in their kitchen like we have.  "Well how do people wash their dishes then?" you asked.... in a sink with water and soap Xander... "That's weird" you said!     You didn't find it so weird when it earnt you £5 for doing it though! Haha! 

Then you had a lovely couple of months. Whizzing through a short block of Speech and Language to resolve those sh, ch and j sounds following on from your time when you had your hearing loss. Loving your new hobby karate, thrilled with the Gi you had had for your birthday and earning yourself your red with white stripe belt before we had even got to Christmas. Enjoying Daddy and you days out to the Avengers Station and a Morgan and West Science Show, and a Mummy and you day out to the cinema. You had joined choir in school and were really enjoying singing and feeling especially grown up when we agreed you could on the choir trip to Birmingham to sing with the Young Voices choir event 2020. 

Warhammer has, quite frankly, become life! Daddy couldn't be happier he has a little playmate now and the two of you are constantly, painting, playing or planning your next game. It isn't my favourite thing in the world and I kind of feel like the game is a bit too grown up for an eight / nine year old, but you certainly feel differently. You have a real passion, have saved up pocket money to buy your own first kit and spend most days after school delicately painting models and improving all of the time! So of course, at the moment, what you want to be when you grow up is a Warhammer Youtuber! 

You have loved every moment of being treated more like a grown up this year, from drinking cups of tea (oh how British!), to watching the Harry Potter and Fantastic Beasts films that had a 12A rating! You love nothing more than a big boy night; having a late night to watch a film that we wouldn't allow your little brothers to watch, or snuggling with Daddy reading another chapter of Harry Potter to you or of course having a Warhammer game.    This is definitely the year you have become Daddy's boy. 

At such a tender age you have had to face a world pandemic, live in lockdown, barely leave the house for weeks and months on end, no swimming, no karate, not even to go to school.  A time in your life where I'm in no doubt you are old enough to remember if for the rest of your life. The six months you couldn't go to school and I home-schooled you instead. You've been so resilient and matured massively during these months at home; but I do not underestimate how hard it was for you too without your friends and family. Not seeing your grandparents for the best part of three months and being so aware of news reports and adult chatter about virus and death. You were aware. You still are aware as we've lived through local lockdown and just coming out of another firebreak lockdown again now. It is still hard. You've said more than once you want to kick Coronaviruses butt.   

You've had to face the disappointment of your birthday not being how you would've normally celebrated it; without a party with your friends, or a day trip. Because although lockdown lifted over the summertime, and we had the brief respite of enjoying life for a little while... by your ninth birthday, we were in a local lockdown again and unable to go on the weekend away we had planned for you.   After months of accepting the situation, it was the first time I heard you say "I knew Covid was going to ruin in anyway" - and oh my boy, we all feel the same. Mummy feels how relentless it is too. I wish you hadn't lost these months to Covid but mostly I hope you will remember the fun we had at home, even the home-schooling, the endless play in the garden, new games, new lego kits, adventure walks in the local area. I hope you felt safe even when the world felt crazy. 

And now you are nine. Nine and able to tie your own shoe laces, more or less reliably brush your own teeth, having showers and independently washing your own hair more often than you have a bath, almost too big for me to pick you up at all and now wearing glasses too - which make you look even more grown up and like a total brains! 

Enjoy this last year in single figures my boy Big and keep making the best of what is being thrown at us. We are so proud of how you've coped with this year of uncertainty and so proud of the shining example of a young man you are becoming. You are exactly who you need to be with all the kind, generous and thoughtful qualities that will take you far in life. 

The world needs more kind. 

We love you enormously, kid.

Making our world happier just because you're in it. 

Keep being you and you won't go far wrong. 

Mummy and Daddy xXx 

A few days ago I grieved the loss of one important milestone. Today we celebrate another important milestone. In a different life I would've had one baby in the last year of Primary school and another starting the very first year of Primary school! 

Today I gave my last baby to school. Sob.  From here on in, school will get the most of him, probably the best of him for the foreseeable weeks as he inevitably gets increasingly tired from his full days!  I know I've been lucky; to have been able to work part time and enjoy so many one on one adventures with him, lucky that we haven't had to use full-time external childcare because Grandparents are so on board, meaning the boys have been able to predominantly spend their pre-school years at home. 

I've babied him. Obviously. He is my last little one. 

But today, when I took his Reception 'front door' photo and compared it to his Nursery 'front door' photo, it was undeniable how much he has grown up; up the door (massive growth spurt in a year!) and in himself. His face has changed and matured. Shockingly much less baby when you compare the two photos side by side! 

So much of this last year has been robbed from him. Barely any Nursery time at all, no Nursery graduation in the way it should've been. A world full of uncertainty and already an unsettled start to this new school year too. I was anxious when his brothers started school of course, but not like this. This whole starting / going to school during a Pandemic is a whole new level of anxiety of sending children to school. Thursday I still felt bravely optimistic sending them. Today I felt tearful dropping him off, dropping Lucas and Zachary off. 

We've had a stressful few days; a dodgy night of croup with Zac, back to school colds, a very poorly Xander with a very high (40.2) temperature. Which then meant obviously household COVID (negative) tests because of it. Covid testing coming before antibiotics and Xander having to suffer a prolonged deterioration with a nasty ear infection. But here we are. The all clear, for COVID at least. So today it was the big day for school.

My Little Lucas. Today you started Big School. Two days later than you should've done. You couldn't start Monday with all of your friends because we were a household having our first taste of COVID testing and quarantine. You couldn't go Tuesday because we were waiting on results.  So today was your first day. 

Last night you were not very impressed about it. You told me you only wanted to go to Baby School. But this morning, we arrived at your classroom door and you didn't miss a beat! You didn't hesitate. Your teacher greeted you and you opened with telling her about your new Thomas bags for school and proudly holding them up in the air to show her. Then in you went without looking back. Without a fuss. So confident. I'm so proud of you! 

Much more confident than Mummy. 

It wasn't the moment in the way I wanted it. Imagined it. It felt rushed handing you over. It felt entirely wrong that Daddy and I couldn't take you together. Like we had done for both of your brothers. But there is a one-parent-only policy at the school at the moment. Because you've guessed it, Covid. 

I felt under pressure to rush back to the car and get myself to work and to my own classroom children. I was so lucky that I had been told I could go to work late so that I wouldn't miss your first day. But I wish I had taken an extra moment to watch you in your classroom, watch you go and hang up your bag and settle yourself in.   If it had been Monday I could've soaked up this milestone a bit more. Your first, but my last. My last 'first day' of school.  I feel the enormity of it was robbed from us. By circumstance. By it not being Monday. 2020, the gift that keeps on giving.  

But my boy, I will watch you on the next Monday. I will watch you and then I might not know what to do to myself when I get home; with my six hours at home by myself. With no little one to look after. It was strange when I started having those two hours while you were at Nursery, but a whole day? I might actually have to do some cleaning or something to fill my time! Haha! 

I know you are going to be oh so very tired. I know you're going to find the long days and never being able to have a nap really hard as the weeks pass. You might be a summer born baby, still so young in your ways and one of the youngest in your class; but my boy you are school ready in so many other ways. Your bright little brain is ready for all the learning your teacher can throw at you!

My Little love, today was a Big Day for you. A new chapter. An end of one era and the start of another. 

I've had to share you more today to watch you and allow you to become a bigger boy. I know you're going to have the best time. It made my heart a little bit sad, this whole starting school business, but what a privilege it is to be allowed to watch you grow up!

One more step along the world you go. 

We love you enormously, Lucas. 

Mummy and Daddy xXx 

Thursday morning it dawned on me, while I was taking the annual front door photos; that if Belle was here to take her back to school new year group picture, that it would have been a pretty significant one. As the front door pictures go. That next year will be the same.   

This year she would have been going into Year Six, the last year of primary school, with all the lasts of primary that would include. The residential trips, the grown up trips, the multitude of events across the year Year Six do marking their final days in primary school.   I wondered which of the Year Six teachers would have been hers. 

Then the prom leavers party that has become the custom in the boys school. The prom that for the last few years we have been tasked as official photographer for and loving the buzz of the kids excitement. This year it will be her cohort. The friends she might have had.  The special dress and shoes we won't be buying. 

The application to high school we won't be making. 

A significant year of missed milestones.

I've realised that next year, in September and early October, as we attend some high school open days, (open to Years 5 and 6 for a look around prior to the application process), with Xander, that she would've been starting at the high school we would've already have picked for our family.   Another September to come with another very significant missed milestone. 

And I'm ok. I've marked this should've been week in my thoughts. I haven't gone to pieces. Part of me cannot believe I'm old enough to have a child going into their last year of Primary School! I'm flabbergasted enough Xander has gone into Year Four! 

But today I tried to visualise how far up the front door she might have been for her photo this year. Taking my best guess that she would probably tower over Xander. And as he is now somewhere over the first 'line' on the door she would probably have hit the second.   Her 'I'm in Year Six' moment without her in it. 

Missed milestones. 

A lifetime of missed milestones and stolen moments.