After Anabelle

Experiencing the death of your child alters everything; it fundamentally changes who you are. Sometimes I still don't quite know who I am any more. Who am I? I don't recognise me, and the bits I do recognise I don't always like. 

This is going to be a hard post to write. 

Sunday morning, 21st October 2012, my maternal grandfather died. 

He was 89 years old, had myleloma (a type of cancer of the blood), a huge aneurysm in his stomach and dementia. Over the last four years since being diagnosed with the myleloma he had had multiple infections and illnesses, and long hospital stays because of his impaired immune system. It wasn't the cancer or a burst aneurysm that killed him, that was threatening to kill him for so long, but a chest infection. He died at around 10.00am Sunday morning after surviving Doctors predictions and expectations time and again over the last four years. I wonder if he knew it was happening?

I am ashamed to say that although I am sad, especially for my Mum who has lost her remaining parent (my Nana, her mother, died twenty five years ago), I'm not feeling distraught. I'm sad, that is all. Shouldn't it be more? This is very different to how I felt when my paternal grandfather, Grandad, died very suddenly five years ago. 

Life was different then, I was different then. I knew little of death then. I know too much now. 

I'm ashamed that I hadn't seen Grancha for months, I should have gone more often. Although I am pleased that he had at least met Alexander. I know that hospital visit had been a boost for him and he'd enjoyed meeting his great-grandson.

I'm ashamed that I struggled with Grancha's illness since Anabelle died. I've struggled with what he has represented to me. Not him personally; but a world where sick old people stay alive while my baby daughter died. That isn't the way it is supposed to be. I struggle to accept our reality. And there is that bit of me I don't like; the hurting, horrible girl who resents other people. 

Another family death, planning another funeral, is making me relive that week of our lives. That week from Anabelle's birth until we said goodbye. Sitting there in my parents living room, talking with another funeral director, talking of coffins and flowers and services has brought it all back as if its happening again to me now. 

Isn't that incredibly selfish? Instead of being distraught for my grandfather I am grieving my baby girl and the injustice of it all. 

Today I've cried for Anabelle.   Cried for the life we don't have and the regrets that remain. I cried because I so desperately want to kiss her one more time and wish I had turned around one more time in the funeral home and held her in my arms. I cried because my arms ache for her, my baby girl. I cried because I didn't put socks on her to keep her feet warm. I cried because I didn't take a photo of her coffin and the inscription of her name on it. I cried because she was placed in that deep dark ground before I'd touched her coffin one last time. All the things I can't do or undo. I cried because she was taken away from me, from us, far too soon. 

I cried because my Grancha's death is impacting on me in all the wrong ways. 

Alexander's birthday; perfect. 

It really was. Exactly what we had wanted for him. A weekend full of treats, fun and laughter surrounded by all our closest family and friends. A very different kind of first birthday but in many ways the same as his sisters; the very best we could do for Anabelle and the very best we could do for him.

Now at a one year, one week and one day old I'm finally getting around to doing his birthday and 12 month post!

Presents

One of my favourite presents!

Doodle and Crumb

Me, Mummy and Daddy

My own Nara

Waybuloo Cake

Blowing out my candle

 Alexander's growth has slowed down a lot, infact he has lost weight over the last month; 7oz! So at a year old Alexander weighs 22lb 7oz after being born at 8lb 13oz, an entire weight gain this year of 14lb 10oz! He is still firmly in his 9-12 month clothes currently.   The health visitor wasn't at all concerned about the 7oz loss and put the loss down to the busy little boy he has become. Now Alexander can crawl he is constantly on the go. I really don't think he sits still for more than a minute at a time and even then his arms are busy doing something! Not to mention the speed at which he can cruise around the furniture now; he spends all day getting up and down!

At a year old, Alexander still only has 3 teeth. The third popping through just days before his birthday. The 4th and possibly 5th are very close on the horizon if his gums are anything to go by though.

His play skills are becoming more refined all the time. Xander is becoming very quick to catch onto the concepts of a toy now. For example, he was given a car garage toy for his birthday, with a lift to pull up and push down, he was only shown once and he's remembered what he has to try and do, although it stiff for him  to do on his own at the moment. He also had a hammer the shapes through the holes thing and it is very entertaining to watch him tap and hammer the shape after being shown what to do. Xander is starting to play 'properly', exploring, learning.

I tell you what though, I dread to think what his 'terrible two's' tantrums will be like if the strops he has now are anything to go by! Yes, already we have the proper arching back strops while telling me off very loudly. This usually involves going in the pram or car seat when he does not want to, food being finished or what he hates even more; getting dressed. Xander has decided he absolutely hates getting dressed and a strop is almost guaranteed! I'm sure he would happily never get changed or indeed just stay naked if I would let him!

He has such a gorgeous little personality now, even with the twice daily strops getting dressed! hehe! He is endearing, happy, mischievous, cheeky, loving, funny and playful, and so much more!  

I think our boy is so busy learning new things he has forgotten how to sleep. Full nights sleep this last months have become very few and far between! My good little sleeper that emerged so early on had lulled us into a false sense of security! Now we seem to be regularly up with him two or even three times a night.  I believe there is a degree of separation anxiety responsible for this, along with the usual teeth troubles and just being such a busy learner.   Alexander has had a lot of change over the last month; he has had to get used to a new routine, one that involves not seeing me for a great length of time for three days a week, he has had to get used to new people starting nursery, he has learnt how to crawl properly and cruise properly, now he is learning how to balance ready to walk. It is no wonder he is feeling a little unsettled and looking for reassurance through the night!   It does make for one very tired Mummy and Daddy though.

He is just wonderful. Could I beam anymore?! This little boy who turned our world upside down yet a bit back together again. This little boy who has allowed us to heal a little bit, smothered in all the love I have for him and his sister, yet still feeling I could burst!  Absolutely the meaning of rainbow; filling our world with colour through the storm, biblically a promise. Our promise of new brightness in our world. Our rainbow.

Me and Mummy

I am ONE!

I realise I never finished the A-Z blog challenge in April, but thought now was as good as time as any to have a go at finishing it!

So this time last year I was about to turn 36 week pregnant with Xander, I was a few days away from being admitted to hospital to be induced. All I could think about was getting him out alive; it felt so close yet still so far.  I remember manically monitoring his every movement sick with worry that on this final stretch he would be taken away from me.  

And now, next Sunday, Alexander will turn one!  This year has passed in a blink of an eye and this is what a first birthday build up should be all about, reminiscing for the right reasons, overwhelmed for the right reasons. I keep staring at my boy is awe, my beautiful very nearly one year old boy! 

It is amazing, I cannot remember what out lives were like before we were parents; angel parents or here on earth parents. My children have become all I know. 

I have a dream, a song to sing,

to help me cope with anything.

If you see the wonder, of a fairy tale,

you can take the future even if you fail.

I believe in angels,

something good in everything I see,

I believe in angels, 

when I know the time is right for me,

I'll cross the stream - I have a dream. 

I have a dream, a fantasy,

To help me through, reality.

And my destination, makes it worth the while,

pushing through the darkness, still another mile.

I believe in angels,

something good in everything I see,

I believe in angels, 

when I know the time is right for me, 

I'll cross the stream - I have a dream. 

Abba 

 How would they have been alike?  How would they have been different? Anabelle and Alexander.

I'm finding myself wondering that a lot at the moment. 

Alexander has such a gorgeous cheeky personality, I laugh with him all the time. Would Anabelle have been the same? Happy? Always a pleasure like her brother? I enjoy Alexander so much; I hurt that my enjoyment of Anabelle was taken away. 

Would Anabelle have looked like Alexander, him like her? Would people have instantly known they were brother and sister if they were together?  Alexander has changed so much; his hair was dark and spiky when he was born and after it all fell out when he was 4 months old it grew back blonde. Would Anabelle have been blonde too?  

I could really see the similarities when he was born. And when he sleeps he still looks so much like her, with his little open mouth and peaceful expression. Their chins and jawline have the same shape, their eyes, forehead and bridge of nose have the same shape. Sometimes I watch him sleep and do a double take and can almost see his sister. 

I like that I can see her in him, but I worry as he grows more and more that similarity will be lost. When he stops being a baby, that won't be long. We only briefly knew Anabelle as a newborn, a sleeping newborn. We have no way of knowing what she would've looked like at 11 months, we and she didn't get that chance.  Does he represent what she would've been like too? 

I deserve to have my children together, watching their sibling bonds; not just hurting here trying to imagine it. I miss her. I miss her for us, for Xander. He would've loved his sister. 

32+4 weeks pregnant with Alexander, the day of pregnancy his sister had died, and there I was in hospital terrified he was about to die too. I had threatened premature labour with him at almost exactly the same point as I had with Anabelle. To this day I can't shift the feeling this episode in hospital with her was a warning sign we should've heeded; a week later she died, so to have found myself in the same position with Alexander was terrifying.  

There started a week long stay and then daily visits to the hospital, the longest four weeks ever. But at the end of it, he came home. And now, a year on from that blog he is 11 months old!

Now with all this movement it was time to lower the cot and time to baby proof our house! This week will be about baby gates, especially now he is discovering the stairs... 

Another big moment this month was baby boy starting nursery.  So far it seems he is settling into his bumblebee room very well. The reports nursery give us is that he is happy, inquisitive and playful while he is there and only a few tears. I feel so proud that they keep telling me what a lovely baby he is!  They might say it to every parent of course, and I might be biased, but I have to say I agree! 

Alexander continues to enjoy swimming, bath time, shower time, any water time really. He has discovered how to splash although not with great gusto yet! Haha! I'm sure the bathroom will be soaked soon enough though. Xander is now tickleish, especially under his arms if you catch the right spot. He is getting funnier and funnier and now does this bizzare shaking his head back and fore really fast thing. I've no idea what it is about. I thought at first he was possibly indicating some pain, but he just seems to like the sensation of some sort of head rush as he'll grin at you as he does it. I wonder  if he is exploring the option of saying 'no'! hehe

He is getting increasingly vocal but still no attempt at meaningful or recognisable words, just 'uh' vocalisations as if he's trying to talk to you or get your attention and some babble. We have lots of Dadadadadadada's for example, but not in context. In fact I'm still not sure he knows who we are by name. I often ask him where Daddy is and although he sometimes seems to look towards Daddy's direction I'm not confident that it isn't a fluke when he does so. When can we expect our first Muma and Dada in context? I can't wait for him to turn to me and say Muma! That really will make my day. 

He's more likely to identify Fiz I reckon! hehe. Fiz and Xander's budding friendship is ever growing. He loves her, gets so excited when she comes into his line of vision; cue lots of smiles, laughing, squeals, excited little legs. I think he is starting to get the concept of 'gentle hands' (well with lots of guidance!) and she loves the smoothing attention from him. Fiz loves him to, I'm convinced! She makes a point of curling up next to him most mornings now and letting him do his rough smooths! Adorable. 

Xander still loves his food, I still can't get it into him quick enough some days. Although dare I say it? He does seem to be calming down on the 'end of the world' crying when meal times are finished now! He has become proficient with soft finger foods now, looking back at all my worrying a few months ago and now he has a good go at everything you give him. My confidence is much better now and so is his; Xander has definitely finished with smooth purées, now he has a mashed/chopped dinner and eats a range of finger foods. Hand him half a banana, toast, pancakes, etc and he'll devour it with absolutely no issue! Even though at 11 months he still only has two teeth!  

Our growing boy is 22lb 14oz at 11 months old and has just moved into his big boy car seat. Another milestone moving from the baby carrier into a Group 1 seat! A few weeks ago I would've said he would be in his carrier until his birthday, he had plenty of room left in it and then all of a sudden over a few days he was too tall and I felt he would be safer in the new chair. He looks so small in the new chair compared to his carrier, but comfortable and cocooned too! 

And that is it. My next update will be his birthday update, his 'I'm a big one year old' update! 

This time last year we were in a very scary place, still not daring to believe this wonderful boy would stay with us, feeling fragile that he would be joining his sister. I'm feeling particularly emotional at the moment that we have been blessed with him, that he came home and is such an absolute joy. Truly our rainbow baby!

Beautiful Alexander, you've given us colour back into our lives and so much more. 

We love you and your sister so very much xxx

Ah, another of those cross rambled blog posts. I seem to be doing a lot of those these days. 

Sometimes I read of the experiences of other bereaved parents and I am astounded.  You know, the 'Don't have a clues' (DHACs) they encounter. I've written about DHACs before.   Over these last 2 years and almost 3 months we've encountered our share of DHACs, been hurt by people we shouldn't have been hurt by. I know there are well-meaning but misguided DHACs, and then there are the other nasty kind of DHAC. 

Sometimes people are just so uncaring, flippantly unkind. But what is even more astounding is when these people are supposed to be the bereaved parents friend.

Tonight, I've been reading about a bereaved Mum, who's angel sons third birthday is coming up. On his previous two birthdays her friends have rallied around when invited to help mark her son's day. Joined her in a lunch in honour of her little boy to mark his birthday. Eaten, chatted, celebrated him, supported her. 

Friends going out for lunch for a child's birthday; not difficult huh? 

But apparently, this year, his 3rd birthday it is too difficult, too inconvenient. This Mum has noticed her friends are disinterested. Now one friend has phoned to say that she thinks it was time she let it go, that she can't let this keep haunting her forever. Basically that there is no need for a birthday lunch.  

There was more, but I don't think it is relevant after that point. 

Let it go? Can't haunt her forever?  'It' being her son of course. 

Time to let her son go? 

Really?

Nice friend huh? 

This person is no 'friend' to this lady at all. 

It makes me furious that anyone thinks it is their right to imply our dead children should be 'let go', that we should 'move on', tell us enough of remembering your dead child now, tell us how we should be behaving or grieving or whatever. Is it time for me to publish my Wish List again? 

Hello DHAC. You really don't do you. So tell me which of your children would you like to discount from your daily concerns today as you think we should so readily do? 

Quite frankly if we invited friends to help mark Anabelle's birthdays and they said that to me it would be exactly like them saying it me about Xander's too. Because as far as I'm concerned my one child is not more important than my other, just because the one is dead. Can you imagine somebody saying to me on Xander's 3rd birthday?  Basically, that they cannot be bothered to help celebrate because they've already been around for the first two parties, so that is their fill of his birthdays now.  Can you imagine somebody saying to me that I should 'let him/his birthdays go' now?' 

What a ridiculous thing that would be considered to say to me, about my living child.  Ridiculous to say to me about my dead child too. 

What because its been 3 years we should forget now? Maybe you don't think we hurt as much any more, or if you think we do, maybe you think it was about time we stopped hurting. 

Do you forget one of your children's birthdays? No? Then why should we forget one of ours? Do you have your close friends part of your children's birthdays? Yes? Then why shouldn't we have our close friends around at our children's birthdays? Isn't that what supportive true friends do? 

If we invited you to our living child's birthday celebration would you come? Probably. So why not come along if we invite you to our angel baby's birthday celebration too? Is a meal, or a balloon release or anything really that inconvenient? Because it makes you feel uncomfortable? Why? And frankly, tough. Real friends put up with a moments discomfort to show love and compassion for a friend in need. 

Is it really so unreasonable to ask your close friends to join you in a birthday lunch for your angel baby son (or daughter)? If that is what it take to help you get through the day?  Is it unreasonable to ask your friends to acknowledge all your children's birthdays, living or otherwise, like they would acknowledge all of yours?  Can you imagine your friends remembering one child but completely ignoring the other? Would you think that acceptable? No? Then I don't for my children either.  

We've been so incredibly lucky in our friendships. We have always felt able to be open about Belle as a member of our family, not once have our friends made us feel like we should shy away from her name, or not to talk about her. I talk about Anabelle with my friends regularly, there isn't a day that goes by without her coming up in a conversation somewhere.

Our friends have remembered her 'remember day', remembered her birthdays, we've had friends make the effort to travel and visit her garden to leave their own floral tributes on her birthday, given us memory gifts, pass things to us for her to take with us, sent cards to us to tell us they are thinking of her, invited us out for a meal to mark her birthday. We have friends who have remembered her and honoured her in their weddings. We have friends who 'get it' as much as they can do and for that we are blessed. 

I hope (and I'm sure it won't) that doesn't change because it's her third birthday, or fourth birthday or whatever birthday when June rolls around again each year. 

I'm already anxious of Anabelle's third birthday. I know it is nine months away, but living without her doesn't only happen to me in June, it happen's all year around. For her third birthday I know it already falls on a work day; I already worry how on earth I'm going to cope in work. 

For her third birthday I worry people will expect me to be better. And it won't be better. There'll be another lantern, another decorated grave, another balloon into the sky, another cake. Another year of birthday rituals because she turns three but won't all at the same time. Another year of living without her again, until the next birthday and so on and so forth, forever.  

Same for this lady on MN too. 

There is no better, there is forever, but to quote the Beatles; there is getting by with a little help from your friends (and family).