Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Five Days...

... that is all there is to go before I'm re-admitted to hospital; this time to start our induction and meeting our little boy. 

Two weeks ago when I was still in hospital it all seemed so far away, a still unachievable dream. Now, there is five days to go and all I can see is a long list of things I still want to get done before Alexander starts his journey to the outside world! 

Preparing our home for Alexander has been tough. It has been bittersweet; awfully painful, wonderful.  

Everything as always split down the middle in two; experiencing two vast ends of the spectrum of emotion.

Weeks ago I made myself pack away all my baby girls clothes, her world of pink put into boxes and put into our roof, last week I watched as my children's nursery became blue. I hurt as the pink walls were painted over; traces of our daughter's existence being rollered away.  But then, I saw it finished for our boy and its just as beautiful for him as it was for Anabelle. This time all our baby furniture has been built and the nursery transformed into a beautiful baby dwelling, rather than the boxed furniture that has lived in there for so long. We've put all our efforts into making it just right; the nursery having a place for them both.   

Give me a few days for a few more finishing touches and I'll share photographs of his, their, little room. 

I've washed itty-bitty baby clothes again; and this time they've reached designated hospital bags, drawers and wardrobes. They reached beyond the washing line.  I've chosen coming home outfits again and lovingly picked out the sleepsuits and baby-gros I want Alexander to wear first. 

I've been nesting galore; a woman possessed. Absolutely focussed on making sure his home is just perfect for him when he first arrives in it. We are nearly there, the end of my list is almost in sight. Who knew a tiny baby could create so much chaos?! 

So we're actually on the home-stretch now.  Do we feel any less anxious. No. We're still acutely aware that our dreams could be ripped away from us, again, even at the last minute. But we are daring to believe. 

I really never believed I could ever be this pregnant, yet here I am 35+2 and nearly there. Well nearly there for me. I realise he is being born very early in comparison to most babies. I know many people do not agree with or like the idea of inductions and intervention. I've never personally understood the resistance myself, even before we lost Anabelle, but I'm more than thankful that this option is open to us. 

I know that the main reason for our induction next Tuesday is mainly concern for my mental health. 

The medics are confident he is a happy healthy baby inside; there is no reason why he wouldn't remain so for another few weeks. But there was no reason why Anabelle couldn't either, remember she was deemed happy and healthy a week before she died. Everything could change so quickly without warning; and we've gone as far as we mentally can with coping with the constant worry and fear. Of course we're anxious for our boy to born, alive and well, as soon as possible now, and I'm thankful that our consultant completely understands and supports us in this; putting in place the necessary precautions for me, for us and for Xander.  

We're at that point of staying sane vs. going crazy. 

5 sleeps. 

6 comments:

Maria said...

4 sleeps! counting down with you!!!!

fingers super crossed!!!!

hugs

floaty hug to Anabelle

xxxxx

Little Me said...

Oh good luck. I agree there's no point in spending the next few weeks out of your mind with worry when the Docs can help your healthy boy into the world sooner.

xx

Sara said...

I'm totally with you Caz. I'd be in bits at this point.

Sending you love and calm thoughts.

xx

Anonymous said...

You are always in my thoughts Caz. You are an amazing Mum. Good luck for Tuesday. xx

Love
Lavandes xx

Mary said...

I am praying for you and your precious baby boy!

Only three more sleeps now!!!

God bless you!
Love,
Mary

Anonymous said...

3 sleeps now xxx jmc

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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