Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Monday, 10 October 2011

Now for Tomorrow

Today I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve. Impatient; wanting it to already be Christmas Day today.

I feel unsettled and anxious. It's only 10:20am and I'm really obsessing about Alexander's movements today; scared I suppose that now, in the final hours he'll be taken away from me. Of course he has to survive induction and labour yet too; and then I know I'll worry about SIDS. The initial relief is going to be enormous, but already I'm worrying about the next scenarios of possibilities where he might not survive. Maybe worrying he'll be taken away is going to live with us forever, its a feeling I'm not sure I know how to shift.

This time tomorrow I'll be on the ward, the induction process will be beginning. His journey into the outside world will start. No-one knows how long it will take, but we'll be on our way.  Its all been explained to me, the process is different to what I experienced last time, but I'm hoping everything will be different to what we experienced last time.

Today I suppose I should put together some sort of birth plan; our preferences and what not. I don't really know what to put into it though, when the only thing that matters is "get him out alive".    Drugs, pain relief, intervention are all inconsequential unless our ultimate goal of a screaming baby is not realised. I don't care what happens to me; only him.

I'm not feeling scared of labour this time; I was terrified with Anabelle, it was all being thrown on me eight weeks earlier than we'd mentally prepared ourselves for, we were in shock, our daugther was dead, we didn't know what to expect. But now I'm so ready to do it. I'm not scared because whatever we experience now it cannot be any worse or traumatic than labouring knowing we couldn't keep our baby girl at the end.

I realised last week that our journey to create our family started two years ago.

Not long after we were married and trying for our first baby. The baby that would be Anabelle. November 2009 and her little being and life began, thinking our dreams have been realised but then being shattered and lives broken.  Here we are, almost two years later and about to meet our second child; but still we haven't realised our dream of being a family at home.

We are so close now; so close, yet it still feels so far.

These next few days mean the absolute world to us. We're pinning everything on them for our happy ending for Alexander.  A 'happy' ending that can open a whole new chapter and world to us, but can never erase the pain of living without Anabelle. Even now we're acutely aware we should be, we are, a family of four, but not all at the same time.  Aware that we can never be complete. I think I've still a long way to go until I can deal with that.

Two years is a long time. We've waited with excitement, broken hearts and now fear to have and keep our baby. Are we ready? We should be.

The reality though is we've been so focussed on just getting to the point of bringing him home that neither of us have an absolute clue what to do when he gets here. We haven't really thought beyond what happens when we bring him through our front door.  Now, hopefully, we have to learn how to be earth parents.

I hope that my next post is the happy birth announcement of our newest family member. Our fairytale ending for Alexander.

Our miracle.


Rebecca said...

Best of luck over the next few days Caz, I'll be thinking of you, your husband and little Alexander.

Anonymous said...

I can't articulate the feelings that well up in me when I read your blog but I want you to know that I am rooting for you and Jon and Alexander and wishing you the safest and happiest journey possible. The worrying will never stop and the gaping hole where Anabelle should be will never close, but I am wishing so fervently that your little boy brings you all the happiness that you deserve.
Stay strong and continue to be the amazing, beautiful person that you are.
Tamara x

Anonymous said...

Try to sleep tonight, easier said than done I know but basically it will be the last opportunity for a good night's sleep for a loooong time! Congratulations on bravely making it this far, just a little while to go now, you will most definitely have him in your arms by the next X Factor, possibly even watching it at home sat on the sofa with your gorgeous new baby and your husband no doubt fussing over you. Cosy dressing gown and fluffy socks and a takeaway or your fav meal is in order. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, and I very much look forward to reading your "he's here!" post. I will be shedding the tears along with a lot of other people I think. Lots of love xxx a regular reader and well wisher xxx

Anonymous said...

I've read your blog for a while now and have been really touched by your posts, I'll be keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you tommorow and wishing that you have your gorgeous little boy safe and well in your arms in no time at all! take care, kim xxxxx

Anonymous said...

Caz, You, Jon, Anabelle and your soon to be here son, Alexander, are in our thoughts and prayers. Anabelle will be watching over you tomorrow and making sure her brother arrives safe and well. Rest tonight (as much as you can) and tomorrow you will become a mummy again. xx

Anonymous said...

My thoughts are with you too and can't wait to read that announcement. You deserve every happiness.

Anonymous said...

Have been really moved by your blog and feel priviledged to share your thoughts, Will be thinking of you all today xxxxx Julie

Louise said...

Wishing you lots of luck, love and strength for the days ahead x

Nanny Davies/ julie said...

wishing you, jon and baby alexander all the best. it wont be long before you can hold little alexander in your arms. i am sure anabelle is watching every moment of her little brothers birth and sending you all her love.

Maria said...

Fingers tightly crossed for you all.

I can't wait to read the birth announcement.

Lots of Love and hugs

Anonymous said...

Thinking about you, Jon, Anabelle and baby Alexander. Hopefully by now you'll be well on your way and baby Alexander will arrive beautiful and screaming into the world.
Good luck x

Anonymous said...

Only just discovered your site by accident. Am so looking forward to the post tht he is here. I have been so touched by the courage you have both shown in your journey. Will be regularly looking for updates.

Sara said...

Hope it's all going well and Zander is safe in your arms.


Anonymous said...

Just found your site. I just want to say, as a mother of a 7 week old little girl and someone that went through two losses before being blessed with her, I truly am touched by your writing. I hope all is well with you and the baby and he is safe and in your arms...alive!

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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