Monday, 10 October 2011
11:26 | Posted by Caz | Edit Post
Today I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve. Impatient; wanting it to already be Christmas Day today.
I feel unsettled and anxious. It's only 10:20am and I'm really obsessing about Alexander's movements today; scared I suppose that now, in the final hours he'll be taken away from me. Of course he has to survive induction and labour yet too; and then I know I'll worry about SIDS. The initial relief is going to be enormous, but already I'm worrying about the next scenarios of possibilities where he might not survive. Maybe worrying he'll be taken away is going to live with us forever, its a feeling I'm not sure I know how to shift.
This time tomorrow I'll be on the ward, the induction process will be beginning. His journey into the outside world will start. No-one knows how long it will take, but we'll be on our way. Its all been explained to me, the process is different to what I experienced last time, but I'm hoping everything will be different to what we experienced last time.
Today I suppose I should put together some sort of birth plan; our preferences and what not. I don't really know what to put into it though, when the only thing that matters is "get him out alive". Drugs, pain relief, intervention are all inconsequential unless our ultimate goal of a screaming baby is not realised. I don't care what happens to me; only him.
I'm not feeling scared of labour this time; I was terrified with Anabelle, it was all being thrown on me eight weeks earlier than we'd mentally prepared ourselves for, we were in shock, our daugther was dead, we didn't know what to expect. But now I'm so ready to do it. I'm not scared because whatever we experience now it cannot be any worse or traumatic than labouring knowing we couldn't keep our baby girl at the end.
I realised last week that our journey to create our family started two years ago.
Not long after we were married and trying for our first baby. The baby that would be Anabelle. November 2009 and her little being and life began, thinking our dreams have been realised but then being shattered and lives broken. Here we are, almost two years later and about to meet our second child; but still we haven't realised our dream of being a family at home.
We are so close now; so close, yet it still feels so far.
These next few days mean the absolute world to us. We're pinning everything on them for our happy ending for Alexander. A 'happy' ending that can open a whole new chapter and world to us, but can never erase the pain of living without Anabelle. Even now we're acutely aware we should be, we are, a family of four, but not all at the same time. Aware that we can never be complete. I think I've still a long way to go until I can deal with that.
Two years is a long time. We've waited with excitement, broken hearts and now fear to have and keep our baby. Are we ready? We should be.
The reality though is we've been so focussed on just getting to the point of bringing him home that neither of us have an absolute clue what to do when he gets here. We haven't really thought beyond what happens when we bring him through our front door. Now, hopefully, we have to learn how to be earth parents.
I hope that my next post is the happy birth announcement of our newest family member. Our fairytale ending for Alexander.
- After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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