Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

Endurance

"I can do all things, through Christ, who strengthens me." Philippians 4 v 13

Sometimes these words inspire me. They implore me to look heavenward and see Anabelle there; to know one day, all this pain will be over and I'll be reunited with her. Sometimes I'm amazed that we survived her death at all and thank God for the blessing of strength I believe he's given us to somehow pick ourselves up and carry on. 

Then other days, like today, these words make me angry. Along with platitudes you so often hear, such as 'God won't give you more than you can bear', offered when people are going through difficult times of pain, suffering, loss, uncertainty.  Based on the word of Paul in 1 Corinthians 10, specifically the verse 13. 

It makes me angry because I feel judged. Whether or not it is real or just my perception is another thing, but sometimes I feel my sub conscience telling me that as a Christian I should buck my ideas up and bear this better. After all, God obviously decided I could take it and will have equipped me for it. Isn't that what we're told?  Maybe I'm taking the verses out of context. 

I've hit an unexpected wobble. Today I don't feel I can bear it. I don't feel strong. Instead I feel broken to my core again. Maybe I need to crumble and cry for a while. I don't feel like I can endure it. My daughter is dead. The magnitude of foreverness is there hanging over me again. I still can't even comprehend how I live an entire life without her; its too much, too big, too long. The only baby girl I may ever have was taken away from me and I don't know how to reconcile the possibility that pink and dresses will only ever live hidden in our attic. 

Its too cruel. I feel like we were taunted with something that was never going to be. 

Its not fair, its not ok and its far more than we should be expected to bear. I don't want the strength to endure it; I just want her. 


2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Im probably the last person you want to hear it off, but sending you lots of love and hugs as always, we love you all.

T xxx

My New Normal said...

I can really relate to this and I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. I remember someone telling me that god doesn't give us more than we can handle and my response was that I wish he didn't think so highly of me. No one should have to handle the loss of a child. It's just not right.

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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