Monday, 30 July 2012
22:47 | Posted by Caz | Edit Post
I don't know what is wrong with me at the moment, but I feel sometimes that I'm epically failing at being Mummy to Anabelle. I know it is a ridiculous comment to make really. I know it is neither here nor there to her how I remember her, what I do for her. But it matters to me.
Friday, in our rush to get the car packed up and on the road for our holiday I forgot to pick up Anabelle's handprint bracelet. We were half way to Plymouth when I realised I'd left it behind; then it felt like I'd left her behind. I felt quite upset and beside myself, guilty. Guilty that I'd so easily forgotten my 'little piece of her'. Fortunately, my parents who were also travelling to Plymouth later on that evening were able to pop to my house and collect it, and bring it to me. Crisis was averted.
But today, for a very brief moment I thought I'd lost it completely.
I'd taken it off on the beach today. Getting Alexander changed into his swimsuit. In hindsight now I'd evidently put it somewhere safe without thinking about it; the inside pocket of the beach bag but hadn't registered where I'd put it. An hour or so after we'd come off the beach I went into panic when I realised I wasn't wearing it. Where was it? When was I last wearing it? Had I even put it on that morning? Peace restored seconds later when it was found.
You see, that is the other guilt thing. I haven't been wearing her bracelet every single day any more. Alexander pulls at it and plays with it on my arm and I'm always so anxious that he might break it, so it has taken to living for the most part safely in my drawer. But the guilt. This little piece of Anabelle that was supposed to be close to me every day doesn't always make it out of the drawer now, and today in the rush to get off the beach in the rain it completely slipped my mind where it was at all.
My ability to remember everything seems to be failing. Alexander takes up so much of my attention I fear I fail his sister in wearing my love for her too. I know it is impossible; I know I can't give them equal attention like a normal parent with their children should. I know she is not here, but it doesn't stop the guilt of seemingly favouring one child over the other.
Parenting after loss is so hard.
- After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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