After Anabelle

A week today until Christmas Day. 

This year, despite my evident huge low at the moment in lots of areas of life, for Christmas I am excited. Actually excited for Christmas with my boy. He is such a little explorer now and plays beautifully, so I'm excited to watch him explore all his new toys, excited to enjoy him, and spoil him. You know what, I didn't think I would ever be able to say that, not about Christmas; excited for Christmas. That is definite progress right there and it warms my heart. 

I feel a little guilty for being excited, but I know being excited for what I can do with Xander doesn't negate the pain for what we can't with Anabelle. Is guilt always going to be part of this angel/rainbow Mummy experience? Somehow again this Christmas we will make a mish-mash of reconciling our two worlds. Alexander having a part in Anabelle's Christmas and vice-versa.  

This Christmas I'm going to expect the Boxing Day emotional crash of last year, I know the low has to come, but I'm going to embrace the positive feelings too this year. I'm going to embrace our family Christmas traditions and love and celebrate with both of my babies through the festivities. Its the only way I know how to do things!