Monday, 24 June 2013
13:06 | Posted by Caz | Edit Post
I'm going offline for a while. I'm not sure how long. At least a week or two, probably more. We'll see.
Last night I had given myself a shake and pledged to start an upward turn, to re-engage with the world. It isn't quite working out so far. But if nothing else my babies deserve that of me. Not a Mummy constantly on the verge of tears. Friday when I sobbed Xander looked at me with big concerned worried eyes. Climbed up on to my lap and cwtched in close. A baby boy shouldn't have to be worried about his mother.
My grief is very real and raw, and so close.
I've suffered with nightmares these last two weeks. Visions of Belle as her body will be now and more flashbacks than I have had in a long while. I've reacted very violently to Anabelle's birthday this year. Grief is consuming and unpredictable.
Three years but only really yesterday for me.
Today's flashback is walking up the aisle at her funeral, clinging to my father. Barely able to keep my legs up and my feet moving. Bleeding heavily post birth and leaking wasted milk profusely. Feeling sore. Jon carrying our daughter ahead of me in her pink box.
These are not just memories. They are vivid bolts to the chest as I'm thrown back there. As if I'm really back there and it leaves me choked.
But I'm becoming acutely aware, without it ever being the intention, that my grief is becoming frightening for others, offensive even. Clearly it has become all too uncomfortable. I can't deal with that anymore. Feeling responsible for others when so much of my energy is needed to put my family emotionally back together right now.
This blog used to be my safe place. Where spilling words onto a page could heal me a little, help me process the overwhelming pain, and function. So often others have told me my words help them process their own grief. But maybe its not a safe place anymore. I don't know where to go.
Apart from offline, for a little while. At least from here and Facebook.
So I'm saying bye bye, just for now and sending my love to all.
- After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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