Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Saturday, 22 June 2013

Our Reality

Baby is born. Alive. Everyone is happy. Everyone takes pictures. Everyone coos. Everyone congratulates the new Mum and Dad. Baby comes home. Everyone visits. 

The good life. 

Its so simple right? 

Then why wasn't it? Not for Anabelle. 

Baby is born. Dead. Everyone is broken. Only a few take pictures. Mummy takes weeks to be brave enough to share just some of those pictures in case people are not very kind. Three years later there are still hundreds she hasn't shared, too precious to share still incase people are not kind. Everyone sends sympathy cards and their condolences to the new Mum and Dad.  Baby doesn't come home. No one visits. No one coos. The only people who meet your baby, meet them led in their coffin in the chapel of rest. 

The nightmare life. 

Baby doesn't come home. 

Mummy and Daddy hold their baby for a few short hours before leaving the hospital empty handed. 

Baby is taken to the cold hospital mortuary. 

A funeral director picks the baby up from the mortuary and takes her to their cold chapel of rest. 

Baby is put in a tiny pink coffin. 

The last time Mummy and Daddy see their baby she is led in her coffin, just hours before the lid is going to be put on, with her name engraved on a silver plate and then she'll be in the dark forever. 

Baby is put in deep dark cold ground. All alone. 

Our reality. 

Mummy has nightmares and flashbacks. Relives and relives again. 

Mummy knows her beautiful tiny girl is rotting and decaying. Soon to be just bones in that dark ground if she isn't already. 

Mental images no mother should ever have of her child. 

I've been feeling mentally tortured, unravelling and dark these last few days. Hurting, then hurting some more. 

Unlike other years I felt little peace on Anabelle's birthday yesterday. We lit sparklers and candles at 00:08 to mark the moment we held her for the first and short time three years ago. We visited her, we decorated her grave in pink as we have every other year so far. We visited her mountain, where we wrote her eulogy and her brother sent her a balloon. Her brother played bells for Belle, we blew out candles and sang happy birthday. We decorated our home garden with pink flowers and decorations. 

But mostly I felt bothered, highly strung and jittery. Unwell. I don't feel well at the moment. Physically, mentally. Too much turmoil. 

Hormones, still ongoing pregnancy sickness much later than I've ever had before, many an unsettled tummy this week and so tired. The physical manifestation of grief and pain.  

Today I've been obsessed with cleaning and tidying our house. Early nesting perhaps. Or maybe I'm trying to  regain some control of the chaos that my mind feels in.    Today we've been back to where we got married, where we spent so much time in the quiet in just each others company  in those early weeks after our baby girls death. At the moment it could easily be the early weeks again the turmoil I feel in. Today we're trying to find some emotional calm and peace, just as we were three years ago. 

But we've survived through to the weekend and I only hope as we pass the anniversary of her funeral next week and June now becomes July I'll start feeling a little bit more together again. 

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Your words always ring true for me and you are brave for writing them, I think about Esmée's grave a lot and can never bring myself to say those words out loud in case they shake me out of existence. Sending you so much love xxxxxx

My New Normal said...

So sorry. Thinking about you and sending a big hug.

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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