Tuesday, 24 September 2013
23:01 | Posted by Caz | Edit Post
So I'm officially now in the third trimester and a maximum of ten weeks away from meeting our little boy. 28 weeks was the next milestone on my list of markers. The next after this are the tricky milestones.
So here I am. Right at the start of the anxiety ever-increasing weeks. They've been on the horizon for a while, but now we're here.
I feel like a ticking time-bomb waiting to go off.
Just sat waiting to threaten an episode of severe braxton hicks, that start to become contractions that threaten to become premature labour, just as I did at 31 weeks with the other two.
Just sat waiting to get to, and get past, 32+4 weeks with my baby boy still alive.
Tomorrow is my next appointment with the consultant, for a growth scan, general check-up and my Anti-D injection. I haven't had a scan for five weeks and after I get over the first moments while they show me his heartbeat, I'm looking forward to seeing him. Care-wise I'm seeing somebody weekly now, after my midwife recognised anxiety was on the up a few weeks ago. It is my focus each week. Getting to the appointment where she'll listen to his heartbeat, but I'm hoping the consultant will start seeing me more regularly now as well after tomorrow, just to get me through to the end.
So near, yet so so far. Even though Alexander came home I still cannot trust me or my judgement, not really. I hate them asking me about his movements. Although I think for the most part he is an active baby, and I'm beginning to notice a pattern when he is most awake (late at night, typically!), on a quiet day I freak out. Or I wonder if he is as active as I think he is or have judged him to be. Should he really be more active? I'm always scared I'm missing something. Always scared I'm going to get it wrong.
Saturday I'm really looking forward to seeing him. The highlight of the week is our 4D scan.
With Alexander a 4D scan was booked at the last minute, in a moment of complete panic. Truly fearful he was about to die and I wouldn't have seen him alive. This time we booked it weeks ago, ready for this point in the pregnancy when I know I'm likely to start going a bit crazy with fear. This Saturday I'm going to see Zachary alive. I hope we'll see him frowning, waving his arms around, rubbing his head, and sucking and opening and closing his mouth just like we did his brother. I can't wait to see how much he looks like his big brother and sister.
A little DVD, a piece of him alive forever, seeing how he really looks like and moves. I don't want to say incase the worst happens, but its why.
This week I've gone into nesting mode. Its a response to the milestone I'm sure. I'm thinking about overnight bags for me incase I'm admitted anytime now over the next few weeks. I've sorted drawers in Alexander's room to make space for tiny baby clothes again. Clothes are down from the attic and in the midst of being washed and put away. Yes it is all very premature and I know more than most there is no guarantee he is coming home. But I want to believe he is. I want to be ready for him, however these next few weeks pass by.
So the 28 week milestone we're marking by seeing him alive. By 'meeting' our baby and showing him to his big brother, who is coming with us to the scan.
Stay safe little one.
- After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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