Saturday, 28 June 2014
21:53 | Posted by Caz | Edit Post
It felt like everything was against us. Time was against us. The house took over. Jon went out in the morning to do jobs. The electrician decided to phone late that morning to announce off the cuff he was available that afternoon to do the safety certificates on the old house ready for the rental. So as we were leaving to decorate Anabelle's garden we ended up taking money down the old house ready to pay for the certificates.
We got almost 1.00pm, we still hadn't been to her, and I proceeded to have a meltdown. It all got too much. It felt ruined. Topped off with her balloon popping and half the day gone and us just not getting anywhere.
My irrational need to make the day 'just perfect' and full of things for her, when it can never be perfect. There wasn't enough time left to do everything I had wanted to do for her birthday, so her birthday walk got cancelled. It spiralled out of the control until I was shouting angrily at Jon in the car, with Xander getting upset in the back saying 'No Mummy' - not my finest hour by far.
But it all came together. Just about.
My favourite bit was eating KFC on a picnic blanket on top of her garden. Why have we never had a picnic up there before? It was a lovely way to spend time up there. We placed flowers, a candle, a bird house and bird seed. We placed her huge number four balloon, the boys sent their sister balloons and listened to her new story there. Sleep Little Angel.
We came home and created her home garden. Pink Dahlias, candles, windmills and gifts from our friends of a beautiful stepping stone and butterfly solar lights.
We visited the new house and named it for her and placed the bell for Belle on our front wall. She is there before we are!
We had birthday cake and Xander blew out her four candles. We finished the day sat in the garden with my family, with her pink candle lit in her huge lantern.
But despite all this I feel flat. I feel like this year her birthday hasn't been done justice, we didn't do it well enough for her, it has been and gone and now July is here.
At the moment I feel like we're making a mess of things for all the children.
Tomorrow we desperately need some time altogether. For all our sakes.
Sleep little angel, and I will sing, of summer and winter and autumn and spring.
Of stars and every quiet thing, of frost and primroses I will sing.
- After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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