After Anabelle

This year I'm feeling kind of numb.

I'm struggling to formulate my thoughts or process my feelings. Instead of the violent tramatic reaction to her birthday and everything surrounding it like last year, this year I don't know how to feel. I'm not sure where I'm at. Tonight I feel a bit lost.

Disbelief maybe. Four years.

Last year was raw and painful. I suffered nightmares, images of my baby girl in that deep cold ground. Flashbacks vivid and real of those days. I suffered, I hurt. I got hurt. I lost some more.

This year I feel numb. I feel tearful, heavy and exhausted. But I feel numb. Like I've blocked it out somehow.

We are now just minutes away from my precious Anabelle's birthday.

This week has been busy. Too busy. We've moved, we've been out late every night packing, moving and cleaning. Burning the candle at both ends and up umpteen times a night with Zachary. There is too much going on. Too much bustle, not enough time for quiet reflection. No time left to feel. So instead there is mainly numbness.

This year I fear there may be a delayed reaction.