Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Monday, 16 June 2014

The Date That She Died

I never quite know how to respond to the date that Anabelle died. I don't want to mark it like I do her birthday, but I know it is coming. And it arrives, and it hangs over me all day like a black cloud, getting darker and darker through the day and sets off the storm for the week. 

It hangs there and the days of build up, and flashbacks to her birthday starts. 

My rational self knows that this date is not my fault. I know I had seen a midwife just twelve or so hours before Anabelle died, and the midwife told me we were ok. I listened to that, I used that appointment and a heartbeat monitor to reassure myself when I was worried in that evening. I know there isn't really anyone to blame. But when the date arrives, and these few days after it, it is really hard to shift the blame from my shoulders. 

Last Autumn my counsellor talked of the need to forgive myself. But I don't know how, or what it will take to forgive myself for this day. I'm not writing this to be reassured that isn't and wasn't my fault, because today, that is no comfort.   

It should have been different. I should've listened to those instincts that felt something wasn't quite right. I shouldn't have foolishly and falsely reassured myself. I shouldn't have talked myself out of going to the hospital until the morning.  I shouldn't have been worried about making a fuss. I shouldn't have gone to sleep, leaving it too late and letting her die.

I slept and my little girl died and I can't forgive myself for that. 

I know getting to the hospital earlier may not have changed the outcome. But it would have been her only chance to survive. It is the biggest thing I could have done differently to give my darling baby girl a chance. 

Today I've approached the date that she died by keeping busy. Too busy.  Feeling manic almost. Tonight I'm exhausted, mentally, emotionally and physically.  Even though I don't want to mark this date, the events haunt me, the turmoil and memories, the longing for things to be different tortures me. 

It is always going to haunt me. My heart aches for her so much. 

I need to sleep.


Unknown said...

Just hugs. The guilt I know all too well and I know it doesn't matter how many people reassure you, you always carry it with you. Love to you, Caz xx

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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