Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Monday, 15 October 2018

For The Close Of Babyloss Awareness Week

Last year I felt completely unable to join in with Babyloss Awareness Week or Wave of Light. More than unable, I actively didn't want to join in. I wrote a half-hearted post and that was about it. For the first time ever I didn't light a candle on October 15th. I felt disconnected and at a purposefully arms length from a community and "club" that I am a member of. 

Last year I had nothing to give and certainly a lot that I was unable to say. 

Our baby daughter I physically ached for and then another surprise baby I had miscarried in June 2017.   A mixture of griefs that all got a bit confusing and colliding; trying to convince myself that I shouldn't be as deeply affected as I felt by what was happening to me. So few people even knowing that it was happening to me. 

Wave of Light didn't feel a comfort last year, it felt torturously uncomfortable and I wanted so much to distance myself from it. As the facebook pings from such lovely people remembering Belle came in, we were driving home from London and my entire facebook feed was awash with candles, all I wanted was to be anywhere else but in my own skin. 

I think it is no accident that Mental Health Awareness day also resides in this week, because it is no surprise that losing a baby shake or indeed obliterates the very core of your being and nothing is ever the same again. 

Some of what I'll divulge here tonight will no doubt be pretty hard hitting and shocking for some people who don't really know me that well, and infact maybe more so for those that do know me so well. 

This time last year I was much more mentally unwell than I have voiced publicly then or since. I've hinted at it in previous blog posts and when I made known there had been an extra baby last year.  But even in those blog posts I hadn't really delved into what was the worst of that mental health crisis. 

Only my husband and best friend truthfully knew how unwell I was / had been. I was going through the motions and keeping that game face on masterfully.  I had spent weeks, if not months spiralling out of control and then it all came to a head. 

Spiralling since probably the May/June half term when I had finally plucked up some sort of courage to do a pregnancy test after experiencing a fortnight of tell-tale symptoms I knew so well by pregnancy five. Symptoms that told me I must be coming up six weeks. To then start bleeding and miscarry just days later and the calendar ticked into the month of June and the bleeding continued on and off for weeks.  It was an absolute shocker of a week, month; understatement. To compound it all before the positive test I had found out I was having a niece due in the October and not one part of me knew how to cope with any of it. Terrified of an unborn baby and even seven years after Belle not ready for a girl in the family. Of course I discovered, as I always do, the build up was to be far worse than the actual event and there has been nothing worse about it at all in the end. What a delightful addition to our family she was / is and I love her enormously. 

But for those months between June and October - and really December before I was feeling remotely beginning to recover really... All the raw grief for Belle was stirred up and intensified, conflicting feeling about the other baby that should never have existed with a 'fixed' husband but somehow did anyway took hold. And down the dark hole I went. 

Whilst walking around London for Xander's 6th birthday I felt choked and close to tears for so much of the time. I felt terrified of intrusive dark thought in my head and the overwhelming feeling that if is wasn't for my boys I didn't much want to live anymore. 

Now I would NEVER have done anything stupid.  I wouldn't have classed myself as suicidal. But for a few weeks there I truly cared not if I had lived to see another day. It felt the only possibly eventual final escape from the pain and grief that still so often overwhelms me. I felt done - in a way I don't think I ever even felt in those very early days after Belle's death. I didn't know what to do anymore or if I could do it anymore.   I know how shocking this must read to some of you. 

Jon and my best friend urged me to go to the doctor and seek more grief counselling. But I didn't, maybe I should've. But I had no energy for the saga of trying to get a Doctors appointment and then the additional waiting list it would entail after even getting a Doctors appointment that would've been weeks away as it was as a start. I wouldn't have known where to start. And then, as we approached Christmas and new year and 2018 the darkness started to lift and I came out of the other side as I always seem to do. Those beautiful rainbow boys and the mother I want them to remember saved me once again. Always for them. 

I'm in no doubt that will be another time in my life when grief will pull me down hard and under again.  Because babyloss isn't just one week or one day where we all light a candle for a Wave of Light. For so many people it is every day, a life time, a grief that never ends. It ebbs and flows but boy it is always there. An ever knowing ache and keenly felt absense for our little girl who should now be eight and in year 4 learning about whatever year 4 is learning about and giving me as much, if not more, sass than her slightly younger brother. 

For Belle whose entire life was robbed from us and another tiny soul that even now I catch myself wondering what on earth life would've been like now had 2017 been different

How many people are around you today who have lost a baby you know nothing about? 

Remembering little lives lost tonight. 


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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