After Anabelle

... or 'Is he your only one?'...  perfectly innocent questions, normal questions, along the same vane as do you have any children I used to be asked. It is a question I used to struggle with though, still do to a certain extent. Only now I'm asked if Xander is my first baby. I dread being asked but know I'm going to be time and time again.  Every time we go to a new mother and baby/toddler group,  or strike up conversation with somebody at soft play, and today, with a worker at the bank. 

I can't deny Anabelle, I just can't.  

Alexander is not my first baby. 

I've learnt to be fairly matter of fact about it for the most part, but you can never quite predict how the answer is going to be met. I still don't have a 'standard' answer as it were.

You can guarantee people are going to be completely apologetic that they even asked. Some people stutter and stammer and don't know what to say to me. They struggle to even change the subject so you are met with awkward silence. To be honest this has been the worst bit about mother and baby groups, feeling sometimes like a bit of a social outcast.  I sometimes wonder if people think being a bereaved parent is catching. 

Some people over compensate and go on to say how extra special Alexander must be then. Of course he is, but he would've been special if his sister was alive too. 

And sometimes people know how to sensitively carry on a conversation with me. Today was one of those days. 

I had to visit the bank to sort out Alexander's savings account. The lady had a baby only a few weeks younger than Xander, infact her son had been born on his due date! We exchanged '14 month' only stories, as you do when talking to a mother of an infant of a similar age. Then she asked the question.

Is he your first baby? 

Today I answered 'No, he is actually our 2nd. We have a little girl but we lost her toward the end of pregnancy.' 

Of course she was apologetic. That she was sorry to hear that, and that Alexander must be a real ray of sunshine then. The usual response. 

But then she went on to tell me about her friend who's little girl had died at a month old. Common ground, someone in her circle has experienced infant death too.  Part of her was able to empathise with me; through her role as a friend. She sensitively asked how I had coped being pregnant with him and if we had been well looked after. She asked if we planned anymore. She was warm and open and just really easy to talk to. I didn't feel awkward talking about Anabelle, to a complete stranger!  I had only gone to move money around Alexander's bank accounts! I hope she didn't feel awkward either. 

In daily Mummy and baby life I have two options. I can either pretend he is my one and only or I can be honest. Its not always easy being honest, sometimes I'm just too tired to reassure other people they haven't said the wrong thing. On the odd occasion where I've tried mutely grunting and not going into the truth about my children I've felt wracked with guilt afterwards. Sometimes I haven't felt strong enough to talk dead children with random strangers, but on those few occasions I've deeply regretted that I let her down. I'm not ashamed of her. I don't want there to be a stigma because she is dead. 

I couldn't go today, but next month I've decided, as part of my healing and healthier grief in 2013, that I'm going to join the local Sands Rainbow Babies monthly meet. A mother and tots group of sorts; stay and play in a family friendly cafe with hot drinks for the Mums and soft play and toys for the babies. I'm nervous about going, but I think it will be really good for Alexander and me. Surrounded by people who totally understand the mixed emotions of being a rainbow as well as angel parents, Alexander playing with other rainbow babies. No-one asking me if he is my first baby, because without me even needing to say a word they'll know, just because I'm there. Instead of being asked if Alexander is my first I may be asked instead about my first. My Belle. 

A new avenue of support, maybe an easier type of Mother and Baby group. 

What is your best memory of last year? 

Alexander's Dedication 

There were many highlights to 2012. Spending half the year on maternity leave with my beautiful boy encompassing it all, everything he learnt to do and the little baby who grew into a little boy. I enjoyed doing my Picturing Twenty Twelve  blog and taking notes of the little things every day. I really enjoyed our little holiday in Plmouth in August (so much so we plan to do it again this year!) and of course Alexander's first birthday, really precious times. But if I had to choose one event, I would probably choose

Alexander's Dedication day, a celebration of life instead of feeling broken. Equally for similar reasons his birthday, a celebration of what a birthday should be instead of decorating a grave. 

It just so happens his Dedication came first. 

The first time we stood in a church with our child we were about to bury her, we were there for her funeral.  Walking her down the aisle to 'give her away' for all the wrong reasons, it wasn't how it should be. It was incredibly important to me that the next time everyone was together for one of our children it was going to be because of a celebration of their life, a thanksgiving for their life, making a promise for his life. 

So, a year on from when we found out we were pregnant with him we celebrated baby Alexander with all of our family and friends. It seemed like a perfect end to the circle of a year and my memories of the whole day are very special, showing off our perfect little boy! 

Our little jar of awesomeness is going to make sure we keep all the memories of the special moments, big and small for 2013! I'm already looking forward to emptying it New Year's Eve and reminding myself of all the awesomeness that I'd forgotten! 

Are you content? 

I am but I'm not.  

Are there things I would change if I could? Of course! For the most part I am content. I'm content in my relationships with Jon, my family, my friends. I'm content in my role as Alexander's mother. I'm content in my job.   

I'm not content with my role as Anabelle's mother, it goes without saying how differently I wish things were. How I wish she was here. It is well documented here my struggle to accept being without her forever. 

I'm not content with where we live. I would love a family sized home now.

It does feel ungrateful to moan about my living situation when I know there are people much worse off than I am. I am grateful that I have a roof over my head, I do love our little home. The first home we owned and created our family in, this place is special. However, we have quickly outgrown our living space now and I'm increasingly frustrated with the housing market and our position in it. Our home is in negative equity, we have no savings to cover a shortfall in a sale or for a deposit to move on. Additionally as we bought through a first time buyers scheme, and are in a shared equity contract ; not only can we not sell, currently we cannot rent here out either as an option to move on. 

What was a 'starter' home has become a lengthy stay and with choosing schools for Alexander not far away on the horizon I had hoped to be living in a nicer catchment area for our children. 

There is absolutely nothing that can be done about it and our options are limited to none! 

However I appreciate if the worst I have to moan about right now is the size of our house and the catchment area it is in then I have a lot going for me, much more to be content about than not. I saw this on facebook earlier this evening and thought it made a good summing up for this post: 

Picks of the Week: 1st - 6th January 2013 

(Posted in retrospect, 22nd January 2013) 

What are you most grateful for? 

Alexander

I am grateful for many things in my life; my family, my husband, my babies, my friends, my job, the roof over my head, the food I eat, the nice things and comfortable life that I have. OK  so I occasionally moan about where I aspire to be and not getting there quickly enough, but I know there is lots to be grateful for. 

In a nutshell, if I had to choose one thing I was most grateful for it would be that we have Alexander. 

My beautiful son saved a piece of me, when everything in my world was broken and dark, he came along and helped me to heal a little bit, turned our world upside down and a little bit back together. However desolate things seem, however low or despairing I am feeling, he is the brightness that shines through it all. There we many time when I was pregnant with him when I wondered if we had embarked on a rainbow pregnancy far too soon after Anabelle, there was lots of fear, lots of not coping; but now I wonder how I would have survived this far without him. 

I'm so grateful that he was born screaming. The most beautiful sound in the world after a long eight months. I'm grateful we were blessed with an earth child to love and cherish, the preciousness of which will never be lost on me. Even now, over 14 months later I so often look at him with disbelief, that he is here and he's mine, still sometimes barely believing we'll be allowed to keep him, knowing there is so much potential danger and disease out there that could rob him from me. He has lots of growing up left to do, lots of me keeping him safe left to do. 

Alexander is the absolute light of my life. He has taught me it OK to feel absolute joy again, that it is OK to enjoy life. That it is possible to live alongside such searing pain. He gives us a reason to look forward again and we love the adventure of life we share with him. Here is the video I made for a celebration his first year: 

We love you beautiful boy! 

It is that time of year again. Time for reflecting on what has been and our hope for things to come. 

Last year I completed my Picturing Twenty Twelve challenge. I took a photograph (or more!) every day for a year, capturing the remarkable and mundane moments that made up our 2012 lives. This year it felt too much to keep that up, so this year I am turning my attention to this blog. 

I tend to blog here when I'm feeling particularly low. Not always, but often. I guess that is the nature of this blog, it originated in the raw months that followed our daughters death and has become my little haven to process whatever I need to, it is only natural that the main focus has always been my grief. 

As we go into a new year I know I am by no means done with my grief. I still need this space for my angel motherhood journey, but this year I want to make more of an effort to share my thoughts about random stuff, happy stuff, my highs as well as my lows. I want to make an effort to blog more often. 

I did wonder if I should start a new blog, but it doesn't feel right to do. Anabelle is the reason I blog and her blog will remain, after all this is all part of the journey - how my life is unfolding and my thoughts After Anabelle. 

Recently I've discovered a sort of journal challenge called 365 Questions; the idea is to use the prompt to forumlate a post or entry for each day of the year. It is overly ambitious to believe I will manage to blog about one prompt every day, besides I know there will be times when I will need to blog about what is on my mind, rather than what is prescribed. However I know it will serve its purpose of giving me a new focus as we go into 2013 and help me to blog beyond my grief, I think I'm ready to be more than the 'woman who's baby died'. 

So here we are 365 Questions, Day 1, Post 1. 

What is your number one goal this year?

To be healthier in my grief. 

We have a few goals for this year; 2013 is going to be the year we pull our financial affairs together, we are going to think about adding to our family this year, we are going to continue to enjoy each and every precious moment with Alexander this year. But personally, for me, my number one goal is to be healthier in my grief. That isn't to say fix it, or heal it, but I need to let it move with me. 

For some months it has been obvious within family life I've been slowly going through an emotional health decline. I've recently talked here about needing counselling again and needing to face some demons I've been avoiding for so long. Sometime this month I need to pluck up that courage and make that phonecall. 

I know my grief is never going to go away, I know there will be waves of raw pain as if she died only yesterday, I know this is my life. As overwhelming as it is. I know there is nothing I can do to change it. 

But there are external things around me I have no control of, things which hurt and affect me deeply and it is these things I need to become healthier with. I need to really understand why I sometimes react the way I do and find new strategies to cope when a meltdown trigger comes along, before it becomes all consuming as it has over these recent months. 

I know full well I will go through some pretty inevitable lows this year; the year she should be turning three, the year she should be starting nursery class at school, another year she should be here. 

I know it will not always be possible to be in control of the waves of pain; but this year I want to be more than a grieving mother. I owe it to myself, to Jon, to Belle and Xander. 

Does anyone else want to be inspired to find the positives in this year? How about this idea; my note for 1st January 2013 says Today was special because my family played peekaboo 'Boo' with Xander, he kept saying 'Boo' back and shrieking with laughter. My beautiful happy baby. 

I've added this post to the How I Came To Hold You blog hop. A book, about infant loss and rainbow pregnancies. It is being published and sold to raise money for Sands. A charity very close to my heart.

Wishing everyone a happy, peaceful and blessed 2013!