Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

#1: 2013 Goals

It is that time of year again. Time for reflecting on what has been and our hope for things to come. 

Last year I completed my Picturing Twenty Twelve challenge. I took a photograph (or more!) every day for a year, capturing the remarkable and mundane moments that made up our 2012 lives. This year it felt too much to keep that up, so this year I am turning my attention to this blog. 

I tend to blog here when I'm feeling particularly low. Not always, but often. I guess that is the nature of this blog, it originated in the raw months that followed our daughters death and has become my little haven to process whatever I need to, it is only natural that the main focus has always been my grief. 

As we go into a new year I know I am by no means done with my grief. I still need this space for my angel motherhood journey, but this year I want to make more of an effort to share my thoughts about random stuff, happy stuff, my highs as well as my lows. I want to make an effort to blog more often. 

I did wonder if I should start a new blog, but it doesn't feel right to do. Anabelle is the reason I blog and her blog will remain, after all this is all part of the journey - how my life is unfolding and my thoughts After Anabelle. 

Recently I've discovered a sort of journal challenge called 365 Questions; the idea is to use the prompt to forumlate a post or entry for each day of the year. It is overly ambitious to believe I will manage to blog about one prompt every day, besides I know there will be times when I will need to blog about what is on my mind, rather than what is prescribed. However I know it will serve its purpose of giving me a new focus as we go into 2013 and help me to blog beyond my grief, I think I'm ready to be more than the 'woman who's baby died'. 

So here we are 365 Questions, Day 1, Post 1. 

What is your number one goal this year?

To be healthier in my grief. 

We have a few goals for this year; 2013 is going to be the year we pull our financial affairs together, we are going to think about adding to our family this year, we are going to continue to enjoy each and every precious moment with Alexander this year. But personally, for me, my number one goal is to be healthier in my grief. That isn't to say fix it, or heal it, but I need to let it move with me. 

For some months it has been obvious within family life I've been slowly going through an emotional health decline. I've recently talked here about needing counselling again and needing to face some demons I've been avoiding for so long. Sometime this month I need to pluck up that courage and make that phonecall. 

I know my grief is never going to go away, I know there will be waves of raw pain as if she died only yesterday, I know this is my life. As overwhelming as it is. I know there is nothing I can do to change it. 

But there are external things around me I have no control of, things which hurt and affect me deeply and it is these things I need to become healthier with. I need to really understand why I sometimes react the way I do and find new strategies to cope when a meltdown trigger comes along, before it becomes all consuming as it has over these recent months. 

I know full well I will go through some pretty inevitable lows this year; the year she should be turning three, the year she should be starting nursery class at school, another year she should be here. 

I know it will not always be possible to be in control of the waves of pain; but this year I want to be more than a grieving mother. I owe it to myself, to Jon, to Belle and Xander. 

Does anyone else want to be inspired to find the positives in this year? How about this idea; my note for 1st January 2013 says Today was special because my family played peekaboo 'Boo' with Xander, he kept saying 'Boo' back and shrieking with laughter. My beautiful happy baby. 

I've added this post to the How I Came To Hold You blog hop. A book, about infant loss and rainbow pregnancies. It is being published and sold to raise money for Sands. A charity very close to my heart.


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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