After Anabelle

Looking gorgeous after swimming! 

Alexander's angel care monitor alarmed last night. Again, for the umpteenth time over this last month. It isn't faulty, its just all over a sudden he is moving more in bed, migrating to the furthest point of the cot possible, up against his headboard, and the sensor has stopped picking him up. 

Each time it alarms my heart beats a little faster, leaping across the landing to him. To check. To check it is the mat losing him, rather than us. 

Rationally, I know we're going to run in and find him pressed up against his headboard. But there is that bit of me that is absolutely terrified every time; because one time, it could be the worst thing. 

Jon thinks with it alarming so regularly it is time to give up the baby monitors, that he might be getting too big and too mobile for it now. But I can't. I'm not ready to give up the sensor mat. The nights he sleeps without it I don't sleep as well. It is my sanity for the dark hours; while there is no alarm sounding I know he is still with us, I know he is safe.  I would rather it falsely alarm a million times than have it not be there when it needs to be. 

On the other hand we haven't used our video monitor for sometime, the plug broke, but with a baby that mostly sleeps through, and a breathing mat beneath him I felt ok about letting that one go. However, worryingly Jon says the night before last it alarmed again, and I didn't stir. I didn't hear him. Jon says it took him a long time to come around and realise what the beeping was, because it felt in the distance. Our boy was lying there for minutes and minutes with the alarm going off and for the first time no-one rushed in to check on him. (Amazingly, most of the time Xander sleeps through the alarm and the commotion of us rushing in to him!) 

I'm not berating Jon for that. He is more together than I am at the best of times and is a heavy sleeper, but usually I'm not. That night I was and I didn't hear him through the wall. 

Of course, he was just up against his headboard again, but what if he hadn't been? What if it had been a real alarm and we didn't go into him quickly. The alternative, my sickening fear, SIDS. It happens. Just this week I've heard of a beautiful little girl lost to cot death, Matilda Mae. 9 months old. It happens. Our circumstances are so different, but Her mother's blog, her tweets, mirror so much of my own pain for my own girl.  I know her pain. 

Right now Jon is  on the phone to Motorola ordering a new plug for the video monitor again. Realising that just once I haven't heard the alarm is enough, and now I need the monitor back by my bed so I can hear him, all through the night, whatever the reason in an instant. Over the top for a 16 month old? Maybe, but my sanity needs it. Am I always going to be this frightened he might die? Probably. 

I remain fearful Xander could die; that accident, illness or cot death could take him. My two biggest obessions; SIDS and Meningitis. I do not presume him safe. I do try and keep a reign on these feelings, although it may not sound like it here. I try and separate rational thought from irrational, I try and keep it all perspective and in relation to my grief and risks. But it is measures like these monitors that help me for now, and for now, there is no harm in it. He is still a baby. Still my baby. 

When will he be too old for monitors and alarms? I know he can't sleep on them forever. I also know one day he won't be sleeping just a few meters away from me. When will I have to trust that he is going to grow up, grow old and outlive me. So much fear. 

We're not very big on Valentine's Day here; we've preferred to mark St Dwynwen's day instead. In the early days of our relationship we would buy each other the obligatory card and token gift for Valentine's Day, but mostly we've not done a lot, well apart from two years ago today, when we started our rainbow journey! A fact Xander probably won't want to know when he is older! 

Usually Valentine's Day falls in half term, so to join the obligatory couple-ness of the day I make Jon book a day off work so we can have a nice day together. That is as romantic as the gestures get around here! I can't remember what we did last year, so it couldn't have been that exciting! 

Today Xander turned 16 months old, or 'two years made' - it is probably about time for an update again. Every day I think I couldn't love that little boy anymore; but then of course I do, and burst with pride just a little bit more daily too.  Everything I've raved about him before is still just as true; he is cheeky and cheerful and gorgeous. 

My favourite new thing is his dancing. He's been dancing for a while, but just recently almost every time he hears music he starts rocking and swinging his arms back and fore for a little dance; whether it be after he presses a button on one of his sound books or especially gorgeous when the Friends theme tune is playing. (Jon and I watching that from the beginning again at the moment and currently laughing our way through Series 4) I'm trying to get a little clip on film to show, but typically every time I pick up the camera he stops dancing! 

His favourite songs remain the same with the addition of 'Heads Shoulder Knees and Toes' - he has a sound book that plays the tune and he is always finding it, pressing the button, looking at me and putting his hands on his head. Very cute. He has also just recently learnt to scream in the right place for the crocodile in 'Row Row Row Your Boat'. 

His favourite game is 'Boo' after really discovering it on New Years Day.  He thinks it is hysterical; he covers his eyes, or his face using something else and then removes it and shouts boo. He has even taken to playing 'Boo' with poor Fizfiz who is completely terrorised by him,  but she secretly loves it! He'll hide around one side of the sofa, she'll be around the other side and he'll keep popping his head out and shouting boo at her, until she playfully pounces at him.   I'm forever amazed without how much she tolerates from him. Xander spends hours of every day following Fiz around, planking on her to give her cuddles and being rougher than he should be, he pulls furs out and pulls and pushes her in all diretions; yet she doesn't react. The only time she's scrammed him was when he was playing inside his tent and she was attracted to the moving object under the covers as it were! 

Alexander still isn't walking on his own, practically running holding your hands, and wanting to be constantly walked around, but not letting go. His balance however is amazing; if you do let him go mid walk, he is very controlled in how he gets to the ground again! In the last two weeks he has started to stand up on his own intentionally, instead of by 'accident' as he was doing before; he is so delicious. We call him standing up 'up ups' and he'll stand up, hold his hands up by his head, looking at you as if to say - Look Mummy, no hands - so proud of himself and cheering himself on! What was only a second or two the other week is becoming longer and longer, so the braver he gets I'm sure it won't be long before some steps follow! 

Now something that the baby books didn't warn me is the onset of terrible twos! Friends have since explained it starts in the second year and not after the second birthday! Haha; he can be quite willful my boy about what he doesn't want to do, many an arching the back moment trying to get him into a car seat I can tell you! He can be equally persuasive getting you to do something for him, I seem to spend at least half my day being dragged around by the baby with him telling me what he wants me to do through point and pull gestures! He certainly knows how to communicate and grab my attention! 

Mum-ma and Daddy are becoming more frequent in his vocabulary. Usually from his cot in the morning, rather than to our faces, but I'm positive he has linked those words with our appearance now. He makes me smile. I'm positive he is starting to become aware of his sister too, yesterday I asked him where Belle was and he looked towards her photo. It is heartwarming but bittersweet all at the same time, I wish he could have known her properly. He loves other children. 

Talking of other children he is a little flirt our boy! From shouting boo to one little girl in a service station to making eyes to another baby girl across restaurant tables he certainly already knows how to charm! 

Valentine's Day today was spent taking our gorgeous boy out for the day. Originally we had wanted to go to the farm but it was flooded and muddy for the most part so instead we went to soft play. Well eventually; soft play place one, where we normally go, was rammed with a ten minute queue to get in (I know I know, its half term!) so instead we discovered a new soft play kinda place. Its a little less soft play, and a bit more undercover outdoor play, but Xander had a great time - definitely somewhere to go again, especially when he is walking, steady and confident on his feet! This is what Valentine's Day was made for; an excuse to spend the day altogther, I hope it continues to fall in half term! 

How many photos did you take today? 

One 

Only one... this is very unlike me! Infact, I'm a bit cross with myself because it means I've missed taking a photograph of Xander today! I try to take one every day. 

Today has been a busy day. This morning we went to the Sands Rainbow babies group for the first time. After lunch I had my nails done while Xander enjoyed some grandson and Bampi time, and this evening we've had a lovely visit from some lovely friends. 

The Rainbow babies group was fab, I don't know why I was so nervous before I went. Everyone was warm and welcoming and the best bit of all; a real shared understanding. No awkwardness. Instead of just bleakly mentioning Belle's name as my other child, we were able to sit there, as a group of Mums and expand on our stories. Able to comfortably introduce ourselves as Mums of more than one, Mums or two (or more!). Me, Mum of Belle and Xander. Able to expand on our feelings, and not brush over it. Able to talk about all our children openly and talk about what we're finding tricky at the moment. Remembering together.  I'm really looking forward to getting to know everyone better over the coming monthly meets. I'm already wondering why I haven't accessed local Sands support groups before now! Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I'm positive this group is going to be part of my 'being healthier in my grief' for 2013. 

It has been a good day, but a day with only one photograph.

This photograph. My friend Ryan enjoyed spending some of this evening playing Duplo with the baby and made him this aeroplane! What is it about boys and Lego!? Duplo, Megablocs and building are definitely Xander's favourite kind of game at the moment! 

I'm really excited and honoured that somebody appears to have nominated me in The MAD blog awards 2013! For "Best Family Life" category! I'm honoured that people do actually read my blog, and whats more think it worthy enough for an award! Whoever you were, thank you! 

I realise our family life doesn't always make for happy or easy reading, that we're a bit mixed up between grief and joy; raising angels and rainbows.  But what I hope my blog is achieving, after almost two and half years of writing, is raising awareness that not everyone's family is quite how you think it might be, that bereaved parents exist, even today. 

I hope it helps to break down barriers and break taboos, empower people to approach bereaved parents they know or may come across.  I hope, amongst my low posts, that love and hope shine through in the midst of grief.  I hope my blog gives hope for happier times ahead for those not so far along the journey, that it doesn't get 'better' but it does get different. Somewhere along the line you learn to process life again. 

I'm still processing. I'm still reactive and raw to so many things. But I'm living, figuring it out as I go. Family life for us means a balancing act between death and life, learning to be brave again, believe in life again. Diary of an Angel Mother, Rainbow Mother. Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love. 

I'm going to join in the nominating now! You should too... Which blogs do you enjoy reading? 

Fiz has rediscovered her toy box! 

Comparing Belle and Xander's newborn outfits. Her 'up to 5lb' Him 'newborn up to 11lb'

 She makes Xander look like a newborn giant! 

Don't let them say I wasn't born, that something stopped my heart. 

I felt each tender squeeze you gave, I loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold, it doesn't mean I'm gone.

This world was worthy, not of me, God chose that I move on. 

I know the pain that drowns your soul, what you are forced to face.

You have my word, I'll fill your arms, someday we will embrace. 

You'll hear that it wasn't meant to be, God doesn't make mistakes.

But that won't soften you worst blow, or make you heart not ache. 

I'm watching over all you do, another child you'll bear. 

Believe me when I say to you, that I am always there. 

There will come a time, I promise you, when you will hold my hand.

Stroke my face and kiss my lips and then you'll understand.

Although I've never breathed your ai, or gazed into your eyes.

That doesn't mean I never was, an angel never dies.