Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Monday, 30 April 2012

O is for...

...overweight...

Sigh. 

Horrified by the scales today! After initially flying down to below my pre-pregnancy weight with Xander and indeed even before I had Belle, since Christmas its been creeping back on and I'm back up where I don't want to be. Have been spending far too much time pigging out and snacking this maternity leave! So this evening I'm looking through the slimming world cookbooks ready to go back on the diet. 

Joy.

Not.

Ok, two children later, stretch marks and the wobbly bits are not going to go away, skinny is unachievable but just feeling comfortable in a Size 12 instead of being a 14 'on a good day' at the moment would be nice!

The mission begins. Tomorrow!


Sunday, 29 April 2012

N is for...

... news... 

Every so often something in the news really affects me. A few weeks ago it was this article. 

It floored me and I was surprised by the strength of my reaction to it. 

On one hand I thought it was completely amazing that the baby had managed to survive such trauma, so premature and to not have been fed or kept warm for so many hours. What an utterly terrifying story on all counts. But then on the other hand I found it unbelievable.   How could it possibly be true? To be declared dead at birth, sealed in a coffin and placed in a morgue. What sort of Doctor, even in Argentina could make such a fundamental error as declaring a death without making sure? 

And then the story filled me rage. Angry, jealous and choked up. 

It made me think of Belle in her coffin. Flashbacks. Where was our miracle? 

Why couldn't our Doctors have somehow been wrong about Belle? It isn't fair. My daughter should be here. Once again reading this article the truth again was overwhelming. We have a dead daughter. Dead. I mean how do I actually process that in its entirety? Sometimes it feels like I must be watching somebody else's life, I can't have seen my daughter in her coffin and buried her can I? With her birthday ever approaching on the horizon again, more than ever I'm thinking about what she would be like now at almost two years old. 

I was shaken by the article moreso than I had been for quite a long time. Maybe I just shouldn't read links like this from facebook! 

I know Alexander is our miracle. Our precious boy who lived and came home, but hurting for Anabelle is never going to end. There is so much we are missing, so much Alexander is missing even if he doesn't know it. I wish so hard she could've been a miracle too. 



Monday, 23 April 2012

M is for...

Ah, I fell off the Alphabet Blog again... I will finish it, even if we go into May! haha! 

Anyway, M is for... Monday... 

What did you do today? 

Today one of the Morgan's went to work... that Morgan was not me! Yay for maternity leave! 

Me and the littlest Morgan went to baby swim class this morning. We go every Monday. Xander seemed to especially enjoy himself today, lots of smiles! Which is massive change on last Monday when he just told me off the whole way through. Today old people have annoyed me at the pool, but I've ranted enough about that on my photo blog... I'll leave you go across there for a nose. 

The rest of the day we've popped to Asda for nappies and washing powder, loaded the dishwasher twice because it wouldn't all fit in one load, sorted the washing into piles, started the never ending washing routine, played, given the baby a bath and some snuggles on the sofa. 

You know, just a normal busy Monday! 


Sunday, 22 April 2012

Half Birthday Old


Half Birthday Present
A week ago we celebrated Alexander's half birthday, complete of course with a present to open. Any excuse! The stark difference between him turning 6 months old and the dread that filled me as we approached Anabelle's half birthday was more than apparent. I was excited about Xander's half birthday. Marvelled that I couldn't believe it was already half a year since his birth and until his first birthday; it really had flown by and we've loved every minute.  He is so precious, I spend much of each day just wanting to soak him up. I still can't believe he is mine, to keep. 

So to start his half birthday we enjoyed a Toy's R Us shopping trip to buy him a new toy to mark the occasion. Jon of course chose for him his first proper car toy. The cars whiz around and around; Xander was mesmerised! Definitely a favourite toy to grow into and enjoy playing with Daddy I think. 

This month Alexander has discovered food. We started the weaning process at 23 weeks old and he is loving it, can't get his food quick enough and I've been alarmed how quickly his portion sizes have increased over the last 4 weeks! In the last few days we've introduced his third meal. He seems so grown up now he is eating and enjoying eating. But then feels like my little baby again as soon as he snuggles in for boob. 

We've gone for the mainly purées approach with some finger foods mixed in. He very quickly got the hang of spoon feeding; opens his mouth, leans towards it, makes yum sounds. But feeding himself, not so much. He doesn't quite seem to grasp it,  he won't reach out for the food, won't pick it up off his tray, but will accept me putting it in his hand. Then he bends his head down to his hand instead of lifting his arm up to his mouth, he doesn't hold the food for very long and gives up and complains until I finger feed him from my hand! 

So far we've discovered he LOVES fruit but HATES vegetables. He will begrudgingly eat sweet potato mixed with other tastes such as rice, carrots, apple etc but other than that he indicates a firm dislike for veg. (Rolls eyes, typical child!) I've run out of ways to try and make potato appealing now! Haha!  Fruit on the other hand he cannot get enough of; he loves bananas and pears especially. Just today he tried his first strawberry and thought that was wonderful.  


After months of trying he has finally mastered rolling! Hooray! He looks so pleased with himself when he manages it. It has become second nature to him now; you put him on his tummy and he is back over in seconds or occasionally he will attempt forward motion first. He's managed a few inches pulling on his arms and pushing with his feet, yes mobile baby will be on his way in the coming months and it will soon be time to baby proof our house.  Other than that he no longer stays still on the floor and will move himself around in circles on his play mat and is constantly playing with his feet, pulling socks off and chewing his toes. Very cute. 

The jumperoo continues to be a firm favourite playtime, especially now he has discovered how to bounce! He goes crazy in there jumping up and down. 

His little personality is really beginning to shine through now and we're discovering the little boy he is going to be. For the most part he is so happy and smiley and mischievous. He loves nothing more than laughing at someone being silly and joining in the game. His favourite playtime of all is interacting with familiar people. He is so noisy now and has really discovered the volume control on his voice, of course his favourite volume is loud and screamy! Haha!   Current new sounds are buhbuh and woowoo. Oh as well as pfffffff raspberry type sounds! 

Call me crazy but we're convinced he recognises his name now. A number of times over the last few weeks he has turned towards the person calling his name. Other people, unprompted by me have also commented that he appears to know his name now, so it is not my imagination. Of course it is sometimes hard to decide if he has turned toward the familiar voice or the sound rather than his name but the fact he has turned towards an unfamiliar person calling his name across the table in a noisy room signifies to me he is at least aware of the sound of his name now. I'm so proud! It is really quite magical watching his discover his identity.

 It is funny how caring for a baby can change your perception of time. Because of Alexander's routine what used to feel like the afternoon now feels 'late' - we get to 5.00pm and we're thinking of tea, wind down time and bedtime.  For the most part Xander leads his own routine and clearly gives us cues he is ready for bed, usually half way through Waybaloo on Cbeebies he is rubbing his eyes and grumbling to be taken upstairs.  

Xander is hugely attracted to screens, whether it be the TV, the ipad or iphone. I can see he is going to be a little boy who is probably going to have to his screen time limited as he gets older! At the moment he probably watches about half hour or so in the morning and another half hour in the evening, the evening being his wind down time before bed. Waybaloo has easily become his favourite programme, his little face lights up even as the music starts. I'm fascinated that already he recognises the tune and how it seems to trigger his 'it must be time to get sleepy' thoughts! That is why I'm annoyed Cbeebies have decided to change their bedtime hour line up. Who knew it would become a pivotal part of our bedtime routine! Haha! 

Up until a few weeks ago we were still swaddling Xander for bed. It has taken him a long time to feel comfortable without the security of the blanket snuggly around him, but at over five months old he was starting to get too big to swaddle. I was anxious now he was learning to roll that he would end up on his front without his arms free and get stuck. The process took weeks! Xander was initially very unimpressed and he took a long time to settle.   First we loosened the swaddle, then we just swaddled one arm and left the other out, then let both arms out and just swaddled his tummy and then finally about ten days ago he started going to bed in big boy sleeping bags!  Another little part of my little baby growing up. 

He seems so big now. More little boy than little baby!  

This month ahead we're going to be practising sitting up. He is very good at sitting up with support from us but not quite able to support himself without. We're practising with a nest cushion around him at the moment, but he wibbles and wobbles and ends up falling over to the side or onto his front. Not that is bothers him, he just lies down and rolls around instead.  So for the moment we'll be playing lots of sitting up games! I don't think it is going to take him too much longer! 

I wonder what skills he will have mastered by month seven?! 

Beautiful Boy

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

L is for...

Ah I slipped with the alphabet blogging and now ever further behind! Nevermind. Where was I?... Letter L.

... Love...

And now these three remain; faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.  
1 Corinthians 13 v 13


In these last 22 months my hope and faith has been tested to its limit and beyond. But not love. Love is the greatest because real love is always steadfast and strong. Like the love of God. 

Like the love in my marriage. 

A week from now Jon and I will have been officially together for six years (married for three this August)! And what a six years they've been; one house, one engagement, one cat, one wedding, one girl and one boy later; and everything else in between, the good, the bad, the heartbreak and joy - always surrounded by love. 
Saturday, 14 April 2012

K is for...

... Kaz...

Yes, for a little while, when I was around 12/13 I experimented with spelling my name with a K. Must've thought it would be cooler, or something! Haha! 

It didn't last long though and I quickly came to my senses and started spelling it properly again... 

Friday, 13 April 2012

J is for...

... June...

Which month of the year do you think about the most?

For me it is June. The month in 2010 when my life changed irreparably forever.  You see an enormous part of me never left June 2010. I am stuck there, often reliving the days running up to Anabelle's death and birth and funeral, remembering what it felt like to hold my daughter plays over and over in my mind. I'm scared of forgetting.

Last year in the run up to June and her remember day, birthday and funeral anniversary day I was busy. Busy planning the huge fundraising event for Sands. To be honest I hadn't give myself much time to focus on much else, sure I hurt throughout the month a lot but there hadn't been time to wallow, not really.

It never occurred to me that this year would be worse. And I already feel worse, even about the build up.

June is looming now and I am dreading it. I don't want to be busy, I don't want to have to put on a face when I need to wallow in my grief, just for a while. I don't want it to be two years.




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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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