After Anabelle

... news... 

Every so often something in the news really affects me. A few weeks ago it was this article. 

It floored me and I was surprised by the strength of my reaction to it. 

On one hand I thought it was completely amazing that the baby had managed to survive such trauma, so premature and to not have been fed or kept warm for so many hours. What an utterly terrifying story on all counts. But then on the other hand I found it unbelievable.   How could it possibly be true? To be declared dead at birth, sealed in a coffin and placed in a morgue. What sort of Doctor, even in Argentina could make such a fundamental error as declaring a death without making sure? 

And then the story filled me rage. Angry, jealous and choked up. 

It made me think of Belle in her coffin. Flashbacks. Where was our miracle? 

Why couldn't our Doctors have somehow been wrong about Belle? It isn't fair. My daughter should be here. Once again reading this article the truth again was overwhelming. We have a dead daughter. Dead. I mean how do I actually process that in its entirety? Sometimes it feels like I must be watching somebody else's life, I can't have seen my daughter in her coffin and buried her can I? With her birthday ever approaching on the horizon again, more than ever I'm thinking about what she would be like now at almost two years old. 

I was shaken by the article moreso than I had been for quite a long time. Maybe I just shouldn't read links like this from facebook! 

I know Alexander is our miracle. Our precious boy who lived and came home, but hurting for Anabelle is never going to end. There is so much we are missing, so much Alexander is missing even if he doesn't know it. I wish so hard she could've been a miracle too.