After Anabelle

Which month of the year do you think about the most?

For me it is June. The month in 2010 when my life changed irreparably forever.  You see an enormous part of me never left June 2010. I am stuck there, often reliving the days running up to Anabelle's death and birth and funeral, remembering what it felt like to hold my daughter plays over and over in my mind. I'm scared of forgetting.

Last year in the run up to June and her remember day, birthday and funeral anniversary day I was busy. Busy planning the huge fundraising event for Sands. To be honest I hadn't give myself much time to focus on much else, sure I hurt throughout the month a lot but there hadn't been time to wallow, not really.

It never occurred to me that this year would be worse. And I already feel worse, even about the build up.

June is looming now and I am dreading it. I don't want to be busy, I don't want to have to put on a face when I need to wallow in my grief, just for a while. I don't want it to be two years.