Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Sunday, 26 September 2010

Hope and Faith

Some people express surprise that I find comfort in going to church, they expect that Anabelle's death would have pushed me further away and not prompted my return.

I grew up going to church, faith was very much part of my upbringing. I believed in my faith but by my late teens my attendance at church had started to dwindle. By the age of 20 I'd stopped going altogether. I decided to drown God out of my life.

The last 5 years were amazing, I was happy - lots of lovely things were happening for me. I didn't need church, I didn't need God.  I met Jon, I finished my degree, we bought a house, Jon proposed and we enjoyed planning our wedding, we had a beautiful and magical wedding day and it was all topped off with the positive pregnancy test last December and we found out Anabelle was on her way.

My conscience would often be pricked about 'forgetting' my faith - not that I ever stopped believing, I just chose not to go to church anymore.  So I continued to keep myself away.

And then the worst possible thing happened. My baby died.

My baby died and I was furious with God. I hated him. All my dreams had been taken away. I blamed him, he'd taken my daugher - why had he even let her be created in the first place if she would be taken before she was born? Why us?  I had dark thoughts - I still do -Why take a baby that would've been loved and cared for and bought up well, when there are so many babies left to rot all their lives? I felt like I was being punished for my drowning him out. Almost as if God was saying "I'll teach you to turn your back on me..."

Deep down, I knew that wasn't how it really was.  God hadn't deliberately done this to me. I may not understand why he needed Anabelle, I don't think I ever will. I don't think it will ever stop hurting. But, God needed her for an angel, she was that extra special.

As the anger subsided I felt drawn to return to church, to refind my faith again.  After all, I truely have the conviction that my darling daughter is with Jesus, in his arms and safe in heaven, and I truely believe one day I'll be with her there.

So refinding my faith is what I'm doing. I now need God, I now need church again. I've started going to a lovely baptist church, I feel at home there, I'm getting to know some lovely people and I feel peace and hope there. I'm putting God back in my life.  I look forward to Sunday. I know some people may find that very strange. They may find my whole aspect of faith very strange but it gives me comfort.

Tonight Jon is coming to church with me, this will be his first time. I'm not sure what he'll make of it, he doesn't believe, but I hope he finds some of the comfort I do there.   Tonight church is doing a "Songs of Praise" evening, a little like off the TV - people have chosen hymns and will say why they've chosen it.  I've chosen a hymn, a hymn that means a lot since my return to church - "For the Joys and for the Sorrows - For this I have Jesus" - I'm nervous, I hope I have the strength to hold it together as I speak about Anabelle in public, and speak about how she is the reason I'm there.

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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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