Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Tuesday, 28 September 2010


The 7th of August would've been Anabelle's due date.  She was due a week after our first wedding anniversary - the perfect gift.  The build up to the 7th of August was painful - the hopes and dreams and all August had meant all year, it was all gone. 

But the date arrived, as dates do.

We planned a special day for our daughter. We wanted to celebrate her, it was her day.  I wore the pink dress I had bought for her funeral - the dress I now call "Belle's Dress",  I wrote a poem about her, for her, we visited Build-a-Bear-Workshop and made her a bear, we visited the garden centre and bought a proper pot for her grave (although I prefer to call it her garden), we spent time with her in her garden, we filled her pot with pink flowers and her bear sat with her a while, we drove over 'her' mountain and sat up there a while and we finished the day having a meal in Bella Italia and afterwards sat next to her beautiful photo with two flickering candles - one from Mummy and one from Daddy - we sat like this until midnight, until the day ended.   It was all remarkably peaceful and beautiful.

Our visit to Build-a-Bear-Workshop was particularly significant. It was something we had been planning to do with Anabelle - her first little trip out, her first bear to keep forever. We were going to register her birth and then go to build her bear with her. The 7th of August came and I still wanted my girl to have her bear - an angel bear for our angel baby.  So that is what we did, we bought a purple sparkly bear and named her Angel Bear - she even has her own birth certificate, with the birthday Belle should've had - and that occupies a page in her memory book.

It was this visit to the Build-a-Bear-Workshop that I had my first sign, a sign from Anabelle - and maybe a sign from God to give me comfort and strength. We were wandering around Cribbs Causeway and there across the way was our pram, Anabelle's pram. Initially I froze, I almost panicked why? That day of all days - why was there something there to give me a wobble.  We'd bought her pram in January, when I was 12 weeks. Yes it was a premature purchase but the original idea was to buy her pram in the sales - it didn't work out that way though, because the pram I fell in love with wasn't in the sales. We bought it then anyway. And in all the time since, we'd not seen an identical one in public - but there is was in the Mall on her due date. I calmed myself down and realised Anabelle was trying to show us she was there, some strength on the way to buy her bear.

My second sign was Angel Bears clothes. We couldn't buy them from the shop - angel costumes were not in stock yet. So we came home and ordered her clothes from ebay. A simple white dress and headband, shoes and wings. The clothes arrived later that week - and there was another sign from Anabelle, another comfort from God. The dress and the hairband were covered in little white roses! That hadn't been in the item description but it made my day. You see, white roses are our happy flower - whites roses was the theme of our wedding day, our flower.  I often leave white roses on Anabelle's garden. I feel it connects us.

Today I've felt connected to my daughter again, Anabelle was with me, more signs, more comfort.

Today I had my occupational review to put in place a phased return plan for work. I was anxious before the appointment, these are big steps, elements of my life returning to "normal"....

I arrived at the surgery I'd been sent to - Bellevue Surgery - and then I saw the Dr, her name - Dr Bell.   Belle was surrounding me, with her Mummy, wanting me to know she was there too.

Not everyone will believe in such things, but to me its simular to an answered prayer, sometimes God just sends you a sign. To me her signs are real, they are comforting and I look forward to her next one.


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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