Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Friday, 24 September 2010

My Virtual World

I could be accused of living more in the virtual world now than I do in the real. Although I continue to try very hard with my real world, I've not cut it off, its still there, its just mostly easier in the vitual.  I spend time daily on a bereaved Mummies thread, where I 'met' Susan, our children have died at many different ages, in many different ways, but we have a common bond. I spend time on SANDS fairly reguarly too, linking with Mummies who've had sleeping babies like me, women (and some men) with simular yet also very different experiences...I spend time daily on another forum, a private forum you can join by invitation/request only,  a very close knit community, linking with people from all walks of life with many a different mix of things going on - mothers and not yet mothers, its not a forum for bereaved Mummies but there are also 2 other bereaved Mummies there as well.

Each of my 3 virtual worlds offer me comfort in different ways, and all 3 worlds Anabelle is very much part of.  Always recognised by the ladies I feel connected with. I consider the people in my virtual world 'friends' too. Teaching me to believe everything I feel is normal and its perfectly ok to feel the way I do. Without passing judgement, my virtual world allows me to be just me, as I am at that moment. No stiff upper lip is needed like in the real world.

The virtual world often feels safer than the real one. The people I speak to online are unlikely to say anything insensitive, I'm sheltered from having to cope with "things" said. As I've said before I know people are doing their best and they don't mean to be insensitive but even knowing that doesn't make it any easier to keep the painted "ok" face on and the effort to respond in an appropriate way.  Its all very exhausting. Grief is exhausting. There are so many levels that you cannot think of unless you are living it. The real world presents with such a huge range of challenges to keep my composure around of which I'm spared in the virtual.

I suppose my virtual world is part of my way of coping with my grief right now, I get strength from it and therefore it can only be a good thing.  So for me and Anabelle please don't judge a bereaved mother's reliance on a virtual world with virtual friends who offer eachother support.

My wish for today:
I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently and ready to do things again in our own time.


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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