Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Wednesday, 2 November 2011


"Would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven. 
Would it be the same, if I saw you in heaven."

Today I'm thinking out-loud. Probably not making much sense. 

So many questions, not enough answers. Never enough answers. 

I keep looking at my beautiful son; currently the image of his sister and wondering. Wondering how he will change. Wondering how quickly he'll stop looking so much like Anabelle. Wondering how close his changing looks as he grows might have been how his sister would have grown too; albeit of course with a more feminine flare. How much would my children have continued to look alike. 

He's already changing. Growing already.  

At two weeks and five days old Alexander is already becoming more aware of his world; this wonderful little person that already doesn't want to sleep quite so much, that wants an hours playtime on the floor in the afternoon. Alexander constantly reminds me that each moment on these tiny newborn times is precious and to soak it all in; blink and I'd miss it. As if I needed much more reminding. 

I miss Anabelle. I miss all the times I should've been able to enjoy with her. I miss being her Mummy like I'm getting to be for Alexander, I miss watching Jon dote on her like he dotes on our boy. I miss all the cuddles that were taken away, I miss her smell, her tiny hands, fingers and toes. I miss the dreams I had for her. I miss all the things I should've seen; seeing her change and grow. 

So what do you believe about heaven? 

I'm wondering how people change in heaven. Do people 'age'? Not in the earthly sense of course as we know it, but will tiny babies and children in heaven always be that way? Will Anabelle still be the tiny newborn I had to let go? Will she be different? Is she the 16 month old tot she should be up there? Will she be all grown by the time I get there? Will I even recognise her? 

16 months. How did it ever get to be that long already? 

"Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure.
 And I know there'll be no more... tears in heaven." 

Eric Clapton


Anonymous said...

You'll recognise her. She's forever part of you and you part of her. I think she'll be just how you imagine her to be at any given moment. Your love is nourishing her, helping her grow, but she'll be free of the pain of ageing.
She'll learn to walk, but without the bumps, she'll learn to talk, but without the frustrating, she'll never be blind to you, never stop hearing you, never stop following you.....

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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