It is only November; but Christmas has started.
This time last year I was already despairing of the festive season. The in your face commercialism, decorations and Christmas music wherever we went. Last year I couldn't cope with any of the jolliness; there was nothing to celebrate, we wanted to cancel Christmas and I
blogged extensively through December about our pain. Anabelle wasn't here to enjoy her first Christmas.
Much is different this year; a whole lot is still the same.
This year I don't want to cancel Christmas. This year it feels like we can join in again; like we must join in again. Despite the same pain surrounding Christmas as last year there is also new joy, excitement. This year it is Alexander's first Christmas and that is important. Important that we do for him that we would've done for his sister, had it all been so different; celebrate.
This weekend Alexander got his first taste of Christmas. "Fake Christmas" - our long running uni tradition of sharing Christmas dinner, party and presents with friends. Last year we didn't go, couldn't go. We missed it because we missed Anabelle, immersed in a world so bleak there was no joy to be found for Christmas. We couldn't cancel real Christmas but fake Christmas was so much more easily avoided.
This year we've rediscovered Christmas, rejoined fake Christmas and Alexander has already been thoroughly spoilt.
We're not missing Anabelle any less this Christmas, it doesn't hurt any less that she isn't here for her second Christmas, the ever familiar ache is there. It is still the same, much is still the same.
The biggie being I still want to avoid Christmas cards, especially the writing of them. Still the thought of writing (and indeed receiving) so many cards without her name on them is more than I can bear, somehow I have to find a way to reconcile myself to this, maybe this year we should send cards. But so far I've successfully managed to put off buying them...
It will be a mixed up Christmas finding our way to include both of our children. Finding out what Christmas will mean this year for our family. Meeting our own emotional needs and recognising what our hearts need to do to feel peace in our Christmas celebrations as both angel and here on earth parents.
To feel we do enough for both of our babies.
1 comments:
We also shut the door on Christmas last year, no tree, no presents, I burned the cards that didn't mention our son (all of them!) and didn't send any. I won't be sending any cards this year either but am thinking we might have a tree, I might buy my husband a present from our newly arrived second son, we've already bought a little santa suit for him. Christmas will be better but still difficult but unfortunately in a way it always will be. Love to all four of you xxx JMC
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