Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Sunday, 6 November 2011

Visiting Anabelle

Yesterday we took Alexander to Anabelle's garden for the first time. 

It was an important moment; introducing him to his sisters little place in the world, the first of many visits he'll make there during his lifetime.  He also visited his Great-Grandad for the first time and watched the sparklers we lit to remember him on his birthday. This year we managed our bonfire night visit without getting ourselves locked into the cemetery! 

While I was pregnant with him I stood over Anabelle's grave and was often so frightened that the ground would have to be reopened for him to sleep next to her. I could visualise it even; as if the ground was open while I was there and seeing tiny coffins side by side. 

If I'm honest the fear hasn't gone away.  Fear that he'll be taken away from me too is still often at the forefront of my mind.

Yesterday, stood by Anabelle's side, I held Alexander tighter than I've ever held him so far. Wrapping my baby boy up with as much love as I could muster. Trying to keep him safely away from the reality of my fears.  

Moments before Jon had taken this photograph and asked me to smile. It was a strange moment. I smiled, then cried. Holding my one child and aching to hold my other. The closest I'll ever get to a photograph with both of them, the only place where we can remotely be altogether 'complete' as our family. 

Remembering Grandad Villars; 5th November 1926 - 5th November 2007


Anonymous said...

It must be so difficult. It is a blessing that you have gorgeous little Alexander to focus on but at the same time all the longing and love for Anabelle is naturally still there. It always will be, but I pray that time will help you find the most bearable path possible through the pain of losing Anabelle and the pleasure of welcoming Alexander. Your tremendous talents of insightful observation, strength and perception will help guide you towards being a positive, fun loving, happy Mummy to Alexander whilst still naturally grieving the loss of Anabelle and including her memory in your lives. It's not going to be easy, but if anyone can pull it together the best it could possibly ever be, you can. xxx L xxx

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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