Monday, 12 August 2013
20:54 | Posted by Caz | Edit Post
What is the purpose of counselling?
I'm not sure what I want the end result to be. I'm not sure what it is supposed to be achieving. Is it to just go for a nice little chat? I know tonight was only session two but I certainly don't feel like I'm getting any answers. Just more questions, maybe feeling more uncertain. About myself and how on earth I'm supposed to navigate through.
Counselling sessions are weird things. Half the time is spent feeling a bit nervous and awkward, not really knowing what to say. And then just as you are beginning to open up and conversation is beginning to flow better it is time to wrap it up and call it a day.
Tonight we talked about anger.
We talked about anger long past. The anger in the beginning, who it was directed at and why. The anger, the people I feel so indifferent to now. Not angry anymore, not sadness. Just nothingness and an overwhelming couldn't care less.
We talked about the cycles of anger, patterned anger that goes away and sometimes come back again. I guess for me that is usually God. Anger at the foreverness. Anger at the not understanding why this happened to our family. Anger that is was my baby taken away. These are my cycles of anger. Unfairness.
Then we talked about more recent anger. But then I haven't felt raging anger for a long time, just overwhelming exhaustion and sadness.
I don't feel angry at the moment. So she talked about the different guises of anger. That anger isn't always rage but sometimes something else entirely. She said sadness can be anger. Maybe everyone has different definitions of anger but I certainly don't really know how to address my feelings at the moment, or even what label to really give them.
Feels a bit like a PSE type lesson doesn't it. Maybe I need my own little set of emotion puppets to figure it all out!
- After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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