Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Monday, 12 August 2013

The Faces Of Anger

What is the purpose of counselling? 

I'm not sure what I want the end result to be. I'm not sure what it is supposed to be achieving. Is it to just go for a nice little chat? I know tonight was only session two but I certainly don't feel like I'm getting any answers. Just more questions, maybe feeling more uncertain. About myself and how on earth I'm supposed to navigate through. 

Counselling sessions are weird things. Half the time is spent feeling a bit nervous and awkward, not really knowing what to say. And then just as you are beginning to open up and conversation is beginning to flow better it is time to wrap it up and call it a day. 

Tonight we talked about anger.

We talked about anger long past. The anger in the beginning, who it was directed at and why. The anger, the people I feel so indifferent to now. Not angry anymore, not sadness. Just nothingness and an overwhelming couldn't care less. 

We talked about the cycles of anger, patterned anger that goes away and sometimes come back again. I guess for me that is usually God. Anger at the foreverness. Anger at the not understanding why this happened to our family. Anger that is was my baby taken away. These are my cycles of anger. Unfairness.

Then we talked about more recent anger. But then I haven't felt raging anger for a long time, just overwhelming exhaustion and sadness. 

I don't feel angry at the moment. So she talked about the different guises of anger. That anger isn't always rage but sometimes something else entirely. She said sadness can be anger. Maybe everyone has different definitions of anger but I certainly don't really know how to address my feelings at the moment, or even what label to really give them. 

Feels a bit like a PSE type lesson doesn't it. Maybe I need my own little set of emotion puppets to figure it all out! 


Anonymous said...

I don't know, I'm not a counsellor, but I have had a few counselling sessions in the past and the counsellor, although pleasant, offered very little other than "um hum" and "how did that make you feel". Occasionally offering an opinion of the sort a friend or family would offer, ie nothing massively enlightening. At least it sounds as if your counsellor has some actual real psychological knowledge to apply. I think, probably their aim is to lead us around and into the topics, showing us a signpost, but expecting us to work out our own route, until we get to a place of... I don't think there's a final destination where everything's ok, because it can't be, not in the way we would like, but definitely to walk towards to a place of peace with what we DO have, what our realities actually ARE. My grandma had the well known Serenity prayer framed on her wall: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."
It's a very old prayer but its modern message is still revelant, that of how we can't choose what happens to us but we can choose our attitude towards it. For me, I realised I didn't want the present and the future to be negatively influenced by the past - the thought of a future filled with the anger I felt a lot of the time about the past, frightened me, as did never fully living in the present moment because I was bitterly comparing it to what I didn't have. I have moved on from that now, and I do feel more peaceful and happier for it. I hope you feel more peaceful and happy too, someday. x

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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