Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Happy Holiday

We're home!

It is a clique, but sometimes you really do need a holiday. A different location, or maybe just a holiday from yourself. Last week I felt like I had both. A much needed holiday after an emotionally difficult few months, quality time with my family, and a break from myself. Real breathing space. A change of scenery and a change of routine. My mind felt lighter for a week. 

Last week I remembered something that I knew. Of course I knew, but for weeks I had been pretty sucked into the big black hole. I remembered that surrounding the big black hole and the broken part of me, is a very special family. Surrounding all the hurt and the pain there are still are wonderful things in our lives. A life full of blessing and full of pain. Oxymoron

My attention has been drawn to The Morgan's Jar of Awesomeness 2013, that I started in January. Back when I pledged to be healthier in my grief this year. I accept that so far that hasn't really happened, back in counselling and hitting the biggest low recently, possibly since the first year of grief isn't really agreeable with being 'healthier'. But the jar is quite full now, another reminder that outside of the pain there are still happy times. At the end of the year I'll share every snippet that we put into it. I can't wait to remind myself of all the things we were excited about this year. Retaining our memories. Even the very small things. Happy times. That is progress isn't it? It is full of mainly our family moments, our special days and all the cute, crazy and clever things Alexander is doing. But mainly Xander, our rainbow. Thank goodness for our rainbows. Last week on holiday we saw lots of rainbows in the sky. More reminders or the happier things in our lives. 

Being on holiday reminded me that beyond the black hole we still enjoy many things, but also accept sometimes the black hole takes over and the happier times seem a long distant memory. A pendulum with two extremes.  Sometimes the black hole, the brokenness and the pain consume and swamp everything else; June. It will always be June and other lesser trigger points throughout the year. But now I've had my July 'recovery month' and our lovely holiday, we're on into August and I'm feeling much more refreshed than I have in a long time. 

So we've had a perfect week away. Calm, enjoyable, full of new things. Xander has been wonderful, loving and obviously thoroughly enjoyed having a Mummy, Daddy and him all the time week. Every day for him is an adventure, this is a wonderful age and I'm enjoying him so much. All week last week he was so excited by the new things he was seeing. Constantly pointing things out to us and pulling us over to where he wanted to go. He is a bright, colourful and shiny magpie my boy! Just like his Mummy, Jon might say!

So today I've added a new piece of paper to our Jar of Awesomeness.

"Awesome family holiday in Plymouth! Xander's favourite things were a peacock at Dartmoor Zoo, swimming, the jellyfish at the aquarium, the slide at soft play, hens and goats at Totnes farm, and little Flitwick owl, the train, Kwazzi the Octonaut at the seal sanctuary and playing on the beach. Perfect time. Smiley face." 26th July - 4th August 2013


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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