Sunday, 25 August 2013
22:02 | Posted by Caz | Edit Post
Today I could rewrite this post again, word for word.
We've reached that important milestone again; 24 weeks pregnant. Viability.
Although I'm not sure what that means for us. Today doesn't guarantee us anything, I know that only too well. Anabelle was 32 weeks when she died, well beyond todays 'viability' milestone. Being viable didn't save her, it didn't guarantee her life, it doesn't guarantee us life for Zac. But I guess we have to cling onto something. So today I'm clinging onto the hope of life and the chance of life increasing now we're here some how.
I wish morbid thoughts didn't dominate me, but they do. The anxiety is ever increasing. I'm becoming increasingly obsessed with Zachary's movements, just as I did with Alexander. Today he's been quieter and so of course I work myself up, and then work myself up some more. I convince myself of things that are unlikely to be true when I think rationally. But rational thought is impossible most of the time. I convince myself he is dead or in trouble and we're going to have to relive it all again.
The more worked up I get, the less he seems to move; a vicious cycle.
Yet it is only a few days since my last growth and reassurance scan when I know he was doing well. His size and growth is spot on for his dates, unlike his brother who was already measuring 2-3 weeks bigger than his dates at this point! Blood flow is good, everything looks fine. I'm seeing a midwife Tuesday for a heartbeat check and more reassurance, from now I'll be seeing someone two weekly/weekly, as soon as I need it they'll see me daily. I'm being given so much support again, yet my anxiety is still on the rise again. Because a scan or check is only as good as the moment it is done. Because Anabelle died a week after a scan and hours after a heartbeat check. I know there is nothing else the medics can do to reassure me; all bar admit me and keep me on a CTG trace indefinitely. But that isn't and can't be the way forward, for any of us, least of all Alexander.
See, I told you morbid thoughts dominate me, but we've marked today positively none-the-less. I need these milestones to be important, to be special, to keep me somewhat sane and get me through. Mostly, today, 24 weeks is important to us not because of the 'V' word attached to it, but because it will mean Zachary will be given recognition as a person should he die. If we don't get the life we hope for, then it is important to us that Zac will now be given the same certificates and rights to registration that his sister was entitled to.
Today we decided to buy the boys their new buggy. The baby pram we bought for Belle, that was then used by Alexander is still beautiful, but I'm unable to push it one handed, and we decided that would make the job of baby and toddler management harder. So a bank holiday weekend sale was also a persuasion for new pram purchases.
We went for the Mamas and Papas Sola, in blue. I was going to get a uni-sex colour, (you know, incase for baby number four!) but in the end I couldn't resist getting the blue for my little boys. Even though there is only going to be a two year gap between the boys, we decided that the cost of a decent (fussy Mummy!) double buggy couldn't be justified for the length of time it would probably be used. We don't walk great distances as a family, mostly around a park or a few shops, and Alexander is already wanting to be out of the buggy so much, and walking much of the time when we're out and so it seemed silly to invest in a double for the sake of what could be six months or so. Xander looked very comfortable and happy in the Sola today!
Instead we're going to invest in babywearing slings, which I'm really looking foward to. I already have the Close Caboo carrier for the newborn days and planning on buying a beautiful R+R structured carrier when Zac is a bit older. Whenever Xander wants or needs to use the buggy I (or Jon) plan to babywear Zac, and will get a buggy board too for Xander those inbetween times. All else fails and I struggle with this plan then we'll look at possible second hand double to tide us over those few months or take the two buggies out with us if we know we're in for a long day for both boys.
So today was 24 weeks. The next milestone I'm aiming for is 28 weeks, just like last time. 28 weeks will be marked with our special 4D scan and meeting Zachary properly in the womb. I can't wait to see how alike or not he is to his big brother and sister. 28 weeks also marks the start of the enormously scary third trimester, the trimester our daughter died. The trimester that no longer feels like the home stretch but a ticking time bomb waiting to go off and destroy our world once more in a moment. 28 weeks will mark a maximum of ten weeks to emotionally survive through, for Zac to stay safe through. Zachary's birthday is currently planned for 37 or 38 weeks pregnant, depending on my coping (or not) as we near.
After 28 weeks? The milestones get harder and more fraught; the milestone of Anabelle's death, and the only goals are not falling to pieces and keeping Zachary alive for his birthday.
- After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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