Monday, 13 December 2010
Hurt
“It’s never going to stop hurting it is.” Jon said to me through tears a couple of nights ago. It wasn’t a question; it was a statement. We’ve both been feeling so low all of last week that it came to a head this weekend. Last night I sobbed. There was lots of sobbing in the beginning, but over the months it has slowly turned into quiet cries at home, or the odd tear that escapes when something triggers out in public. Regular tears but I hadn’t had an uncontrollable sob for a while.
Last night it all got too much. The physical hurt was back, literally my heart was aching in my chest. The little hope I had learnt to see for the future was gone last night and it all seemed black. So I cried, and cried some more. Hope is still hazy this morning but a good cry was obviously what I needed. I can at least look forward to today’s plans this morning.
Once upon a time, when I heard somebody say that their heart was broken, I thought it was a metaphor for things being really bad. I didn’t realise that grief could be so physically painful before. My heart and chest sometimes really does feel like it is broken, it physically hurts. It’s not always that intense – it couldn’t be, we wouldn’t survive it – and so the pain comes in waves of intense to numb. More often than not somewhere right in the middle.
I asked Jon if we actually wanted it to stop hurting though. I don’t think I do, for the pain to be gone would imply that it was ok now. It will never be ok will it – the huge Anabelle part of our lives will always hurt, because she is not here. We love our little girl so much, living without her hurts. I wouldn’t expect anything less.
Somebody posted on my virtual world last night that she feels now, years and years down the line from her child’s death that “It is never going to be as good as it should be but it is now as good as it can be.” I think that is a good mantra – I suppose that is where we need to aspire to be. A place of acceptance that this is the way things are, and that no, life will never be the way it should, but that what is left can be a good place around it.
I can make sense of that; eventually.
Saturday, 11 December 2010
A Low Week
My reserves have been low this week. I’ve been full of cold, streaming and just generally feeling worse for wear. Everything seems so much worse when you’re tired and ill. My coping with the little things have been pushed to the limit. I’ve spent much of the week feeling irritable and impatient and hard done by. In a nutshell; feeling sorry for myself. Of all the weeks to be ill it had to be this week didn’t it; an intense week at work with the Christmas concert, and with me on the piano being unwell wasn’t really an option. But as my luck would always have it of course I would be ill this week. Anyway I persevered through, as you do. It’s only a cold after all, worse things happen as I fully well know.
It’s not surprising I’m run down. There’s been a build-up of stress the last couple of weeks. What with Jon’s lumber puncture, and then him not recovering well, and the continuous headache he’s had since, coupled with our blood results around Anabelle yesterday. Always so much going on to deal with, sometimes it gets the better of you.
The blood results have all come back negative. I don’t have any blood disorders. Anabelle did not die because of something I have. They took repeat bloods anyway just to double check that they still come back all negative, but that is just routine. We’ll have a consultant’s appointment to discuss the results sometime in the New Year after the repeats results have come back. I don’t suppose there is much to discuss though. They are negative. No-one can tell me why my daughter died, so all I want to know now is exactly what they are going to do to stop any more of our babies dying in the future.
Negative results are good. Of course it’s good news; there is nothing wrong with me. No reason why I cannot carry babies safely to term. It makes me a little nervous though; they have no idea what they are looking out for to prevent next time. I suppose there is nothing to prevent though. The midwives have already told me that negative results is so much better for a subsequent pregnancy – the risk of a recurrence of in-uterine death is so much lower when there is no reason.
Anabelle’s death is being put down to a horrible ‘one-off’ (hopefully) unexplainable tragedy.
But part of me feels that our beautiful daughter died for no reason at all. Which cannot be true; because nobody dies without a reason. It wasn’t my blood, it wasn’t the placenta or cord that let her down, there was no indication of an underlying disability and all chromosomes came back as normal.
We didn’t consent to a post-mortem because we were told that even by having one there was every chance the results would still come back as unknown. We knew that if a PM wasn’t going to guarantee a reason then she wasn’t having one. No-one was going to touch or hurt our daughter’s little body. Even in death we were fiercely protective of her.
So we’re never going to know why Anabelle became an angel. Part of me feels sad about it, but I know we can live with not knowing much easier than we would’ve allowing a PM.
Last night we, Anabelle’s grandparents and one of her aunties went to the Sands Lights of Love Christmas service in Cardiff. A remembrance service for all our babies. We wrote a tag to Anabelle and put it on the Christmas tree and as part of the service we lit candles for our children.
After the week/day we’d had I found it really peaceful, found comfort in the words of the poems. Thankful that something had been arranged for Christmas to acknowledge our babies; Anabelle will never get to take part in nativity plays so last night’s service was really important to me. I think we’ll go again next year.
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| The tree with just some of the tags on. Anabelle's is the green one at the top. |
Looking at the Christmas tree in the church I couldn’t help but feel sadness. All those tags; each one representing a baby and family, hurting at Christmas time instead of being joyful. The world focuses on children at Christmas - all the adverts on TV, toys are pushed to the front of the store in supermarkets, Father Christmas visits every town. Everything painfully reminds what you haven’t got.
Christmas is coming fast and I’m not ready for it. There are still things to buy. I’m just so uninterested I keep forgetting there is only a few short days in reality to go - it will be here before we know it. I’m going to have to make myself go shopping sometime next week.
But today I’m going to go back to nursing my cold as well as a visit to Belle’s garden to add the Rudolf plant decoration we bought yesterday for her. Including Anabelle in Christmas is about the only part I’m interested in.
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
Angry Letters
Today I have had one of the most useful counselling appointments yet. Today we discussed anger. She asked me to make a list of everyone or everything I feel angry at and then to turn my list into a pie-chart, accounting for the things I feel angry at with a percentage. Some of my angry list is people, some of my angry list is things.
For next week I’ve been asked to write an “angry letter” to something or someone off my list to bring with me to discuss. I think this will be a really useful and constructive exercise, a safe exercise, because it will be between me and the paper (and the counsellor). I already know who to write too this time. It has been a long time coming, the anger directed at this person is legitimate, it is deserved. This is a person who has caused so much hurt and damage it is irreparable and I don’t want anything more to do with, ever. Destroyed any relationship we once had with him. I can’t discuss the details yet, I don’t think I’m ready to discuss it here. But maybe I will after I’ve written the letter.
I know some of the other anger I feel is unreasonable though. I’ve briefly discussed my anger and resentment before (Blog: Some Days). I know I’m not always being very fair. But you know what, what is fair about anything in my life? What did I do to deserve this life? What did we do to deserve the death of our daughter?
For some, I have such high expectations. So high I’ve realised they simply cannot attain, because they can’t feel what I feel and can’t even begin to understand what hurts us. But even knowing this and realising it, doesn’t make insensitivity and disinterest any less painful to bear.
But for all the people who cause distress there are always the thoughtful people who make up for it. This week I’ve been given two angel gifts, something for the tree and a key ring with a lovely poem. These are people who had thought of us and our daughter. Another who instead of giving a Christmas card gave us a small bauble for Anabelle’s tree and a memory card for her too. But I can never get my head around how can some people show such sensitivity when other are so crap. The differences in us all I guess.
I know I’m feeling particularly sensitive at the moment. But please forgive me that; some days expecting reasonable and patience is asking too much.
Sunday, 5 December 2010
Limbo Babies
Last Tuesday night a programme called Limbo Babies was aired on BBC2. It focussed mainly around the Catholic church of olds view and opinion on the souls of babies born sleeping. The entire programme had me furious. So angry for the poor parents and families, angry at the Catholic churches stance, angry at yet another example of how stillborn babies were marginalised and unacknowledged as a real person, unacknowledged as a real death.
I feel so sorry for the parents who were left believing that their precious baby was in ‘limbo’ – neither in heaven or hell, but floating around somewhere with no place to go for all eternity, left believing that they would never be reunited with their child. The Catholic church that taught that because these children were unbaptised they could not enter heaven; because they were unbaptised they could not be buried in the consecrated ground of the cemetery. Because they were unbaptised their souls had not been cleansed of their sin.
The Catholic church is supposed to teach of God’s love and compassion, only as far as I can see, taught through their actions that what matters to them is pomp and ceremony. The soul of these babies all hanging on the occasion of being baptised. They would not baptise a dead baby. And so these families and babies were denied a funeral, denied a proper burial, denied access to heaven as they saw fit. They basically said through their actions that these babies didn’t matter.
Because of this many babies were buried in wasteland along the outside of a cemetery wall, taken to a remote beautiful place and buried there. No funeral, unmarked graves, mass graves, not acknowledged at all by the world. Many parents not even knowing where their child’s final resting place was.
I cannot imagine how you would even begin to live with this as a Catholic parent of a stillborn child. Instead of your faith holding you strong, it rejects you. You are taught that (the falsity) God rejected your child. Where else is there to turn if your church cannot support you and offer comfort?
I don’t know where the Catholic church got its teaching from, but as far as I’m concerned it is not scriptural. It infuriates me because the Jesus I know would not turn these babies away, he did not turn these babies away. Jesus always welcomed little children with open arms. “Let the little children come unto me, for as such is the Kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 19 v 14) The kingdom of heaven belongs to little children.
I understand that in more recent years the Catholic church has relaxed its attitudes around stillborn babies and the idea of limbo.
Jon once asked me how Anabelle could be in heaven if she had been born into sin. Yes Anabelle was born into a world of sin, but she herself had never sinned. She was yet too young to understand sin or to learn about Jesus. The Jesus I know would not banish anyone too young or without the capacity to understand to damnation.
Anabelle had nothing to atone for, nothing. Anabelle was pure. Anabelle is in heaven and I truly believe one day we will be reunited. Anabelle, as all angel babies do not need to be christened to obtain a place in Jesus arms. There are no such conditions or requirements. There is no such thing as limbo babies.
Saturday, 4 December 2010
Anabelle's Angel Day
Last night I spent the evening with a friend and we started planning Anabelle’s Angel Day. The fundraising event will; raise awareness of stillbirth and break the silence surrounding it, raise money for Sands, supporting their Why 17? Campaign. (www.why17.org), and most of all will mark our daughters 1st birthday. Anabelle’s birthday is still 6 and a half months away, but this occasion is going to take some planning.
I cannot and would not let Anabelle’s birthday ever pass without acknowledgement. As with Christmas, whether she is here or not it will be her 1st birthday, the 21st June will always be her birthday. It’s important. As bittersweet as it is, we have to celebrate our daughter’s short life and the day we met her.
And so on the 17th and 18th June 2011 we are organising birthday memory occasions, honouring not only Anabelle, but the 16 other babies that were born sleeping on the same day as her, the 119 babies the same week, the 510 babies in June 2010, the 6500 babies this year. Remembering all angel babies. Raising awareness for all angel babies.
We’re aiming high, we have a big target. After yesterday I believe we can meet it. Within half hour of our Justgiving page being opened 3 generous beautiful people had donated £40 into our target.
We’re going to organise a “17 themed” sponsored walk on the 17th, and then on the 18th we’re searching for a function room, to hold our fete; with stalls, activities, raffles. We’re going to bombard companies, small local business’, everyone we know for their support, input and donations. The worst after all they can say is no, but even if they do say no we’ll have succeeded in making them think of angel babies, even if for a moment.
Today I feel a fire about it, we’re on a roll after our brainstorming evening. I want to and I’m determined to make a difference.
I want Anabelle to have cakes and candles, even if it is just for her memory. I want Anabelle to have a big day. I want all angel babies to be acknowledged.
Thursday, 2 December 2010
On This Date
A year ago today, 2nd December 2009, I got my BFP - for those of you who don’t speak internet that is a Big Fat Positive. A big fat positive pregnancy test.
I was bouncing! Definitely the most awake I’ve ever been at 6.00am and the wakeup call of his life for Jon! As soon as that beautiful word popped up the screen I was so excited to wake him and tell him he was going to be a Daddy. I think I was actually screaming!
A year ago today we found out Anabelle was there, she became our baby. Even then, when I saw ‘pregnant’ I felt a rush of love for the tiny tiny little baby that was already growing inside me. Anabelle growing inside me.
A family was everything we wanted. We were over the moon. Anabelle was the best Christmas present we have ever received and the perfect end to 2009. We’d been married for 4 months and now we were expecting a baby. Things really couldn’t get any better.
This date last year was the start of the best 32 weeks of my life. Growing our beautiful girl and enjoying every minute of getting to know her.
What a difference a year makes.
Wednesday, 1 December 2010
Tis' the Season
To be jolly,.. fa la la la la….. Only I don’t feel very jolly and I’m not about to start feeling jolly anytime soon. I know it is completely unrealistic and unachievable to cancel Christmas, but I would if I could.
Today is the first time since we’ve shared a home that we haven’t decorated it for Christmas on the 1st of December. Instead today we decorated our daughter’s garden; with a tiny pink tree, tiny pink baubles, sparkly stars and a tiny angel. Tomorrow I hope to add a photo for you all to see. Tonight it was too dark to take one.
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| Anabelle's Bauble - taken by my husband http://imageryinspired.blogspot.com/ |
Originally we were not going to even bother putting up the tree in the house. What was the point? What have we to celebrate? But then I saw a beautiful glass bauble – inside was an angel holding a star. Just perfect for Anabelle. I bought it, for Anabelle’s place on our tree this year. On the back we have engraved “Anabelle Violet, Our Sleeping Angel, 21st June 2010”. We’ve since decided we’re not putting up the big tree but instead a little pink one, dedicated to our daughter. She has a pink tree in her garden, and will have a pink tree in her home. The point of putting up the tree is including Anabelle.
There are parts of this Christmas we are avoiding though. We are not sending Christmas cards. I simply do not have it in me to sit there for hours writing 100+ cards without her name on them. Her name should’ve been on them this year. Throughout our pregnancy Anabelle had already been included on our cards; with love from Caz, Jon and Bababump, ( after we knew she was a girl and Belle). Anabelle was already included in our family greetings. Taking her name off is just too hard. She may not exist to the world but she exists to us. Leaving out a member of our family is not an option. Last year Jon bought me a card from “The Bump” – I was 8 weeks pregnant last Christmas, but I don’t get a card from my daughter this year.
Christmas Day we are not going to be joining our families. Neither of us can face putting on a face for a happy Christmas, to join in the opening of presents when Anabelle will never open any. Instead we shall spend Christmas quietly just the two of us and Fiz; we will attend church Christmas morning, we will visit our daughter in her garden, we will quietly eat dinner in our home, with Anabelle remembered and included at our table. She has a Christmas tree candle and an angel cracker to share.
So you see, we cannot cancel Christmas or even totally avoid it. Christmas is everywhere; and so we will survive it this year by including our little girl where we can. Whether she is here or not, this is Anabelle’s first Christmas.
Today we included her by making sure her garden is pretty for the festive season.
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- After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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