Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Saturday, 11 December 2010

A Low Week

My reserves have been low this week. I’ve been full of cold, streaming and just generally feeling worse for wear. Everything seems so much worse when you’re tired and ill. My coping with the little things have been pushed to the limit. I’ve spent much of the week feeling irritable and impatient and hard done by. In a nutshell; feeling sorry for myself. Of all the weeks to be ill it had to be this week didn’t it; an intense week at work with the Christmas concert, and with me on the piano being unwell wasn’t really an option. But as my luck would always have it of course I would be ill this week.  Anyway I persevered through, as you do. It’s only a cold after all, worse things happen as I fully well know.
It’s not surprising I’m run down. There’s been a build-up of stress the last couple of weeks. What with Jon’s lumber puncture, and then him not recovering well, and the continuous headache he’s had since, coupled with our blood results around Anabelle yesterday.  Always so much going on to deal with, sometimes it gets the better of you. 
The blood results have all come back negative.  I don’t have any blood disorders.  Anabelle did not die because of something I have. They took repeat bloods anyway just to double check that they still come back all negative, but that is just routine. We’ll have a consultant’s appointment to discuss the results sometime in the New Year after the repeats results have come back. I don’t suppose there is much to discuss though. They are negative.  No-one can tell me why my daughter died, so all I want to know now is exactly what they are going to do to stop any more of our babies dying in the future.
Negative results are good. Of course it’s good news; there is nothing wrong with me. No reason why I cannot carry babies safely to term. It makes me a little nervous though; they have no idea what they are looking out for to prevent next time. I suppose there is nothing to prevent though.  The midwives have already told me that negative results is so much better for a subsequent pregnancy – the risk of a recurrence of in-uterine death is so much lower when there is no reason.
Anabelle’s death is being put down to a horrible ‘one-off’ (hopefully) unexplainable tragedy.
But part of me feels that our beautiful daughter died for no reason at all. Which cannot be true; because nobody dies without a reason. It wasn’t my blood, it wasn’t the placenta or cord that let her down, there was no indication of an underlying disability and all chromosomes came back as normal.
We didn’t consent to a post-mortem because we were told that even by having one there was every chance the results would still come back as unknown.  We knew that if a PM wasn’t going to guarantee a reason then she wasn’t having one. No-one was going to touch or hurt our daughter’s little body. Even in death we were fiercely protective of her.
So we’re never going to know why Anabelle became an angel. Part of me feels sad about it, but I know we can live with not knowing much easier than we would’ve allowing a PM.
Last night we, Anabelle’s grandparents and one of her aunties went to the Sands Lights of Love Christmas service in Cardiff. A remembrance service for all our babies.  We wrote a tag to Anabelle and put it on the Christmas tree and as part of the service we lit candles for our children.
After the week/day we’d had I found it really peaceful, found comfort in the words of the poems. Thankful that something had been arranged for Christmas to acknowledge our babies; Anabelle will never get to take part in nativity plays so last night’s service was really important to me. I think we’ll go again next year.
The tree with just some of the tags on.
Anabelle's is the green one at the top.
Looking at the Christmas tree in the church I couldn’t help but feel sadness. All those tags; each one representing a baby and family, hurting at Christmas time instead of being joyful. The world focuses on children at Christmas - all the adverts on TV, toys are pushed to the front of the store in supermarkets, Father Christmas visits every town. Everything painfully reminds what you haven’t got.  
Christmas is coming fast and I’m not ready for it. There are still things to buy. I’m just so uninterested I keep forgetting there is only a few short days in reality to go - it will be here before we know it. I’m going to have to make myself go shopping sometime next week.
But today I’m going to go back to nursing my cold as well as a visit to Belle’s garden to add the Rudolf plant decoration we bought yesterday for her. Including Anabelle in Christmas is about the only part I’m interested in.

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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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