Sunday, 26 December 2010
Anabelle's First Christmas
Christmas day 2010 in a nutshell?
Painful and perfect.
Contradictory? Yes. But let me explain.
Painful that we celebrated our daughter’s first Christmas at her graveside. Painful that at home there were no presents under the tree for her. Painful that the first Christmas we wanted tending to a baby wasn’t to be. Painful that we opened angel presents from our angel daughter without her here. Painful that Anabelle’s place at our table was her candle and place card instead of her being. Just painful.
But, and I can hardly believe I’m saying this, it’s also been perfect. In its own way, in the only way it could be.
Everything that we could’ve done to mark Anabelle’s first Christmas has been perfect. Our little lady was the very essence of everything today. Anabelle has had her first Christmas. I hope she enjoyed it from above.
This morning we went to church. I’ve never been to church on Christmas day before, but this year it felt right. I wanted to start the day off there. It felt peaceful to start today off with singing a few carols, to start today off in quiet reflection.
From there we went to Anabelle’s garden. My, did it look beautiful with a white sheet of snow over it. I know I said earlier in the week that not even snow could make this Christmas magical, but somehow, in its own quite twisted way, it did. It made Anabelle’s little place look wonderful. It made all the difference up there today. Not many babies can say their first Christmas was a white one, but angel Anabelle can!
Anabelle had her first Christmas present. We’d bought it all the way back in May, before she died. We were out buying our nieces their birthday presents and I saw a bubble machine that I decided would be perfect for bath time. Of course this would’ve been wasted on a brand new baby, but I thought that by Christmas, when she should’ve been 4 or so months old and taking more notice it would be lovely. So we bought it. We bought our daughters first little Christmas present and then only weeks later she died.
Anabelle had her bubbles today. We filled the machine with bubble mixture and watched the bubbles cover her garden. I held the machine in the air and watched the bubbles float away up to heaven. It really all was beautiful. So very fitting for our daughter and just the way we planned today.
Perfect in the only way it could be.
We had her present today but we didn’t have her. It is all backwards. A present here, that could so easily be replaced, but our daughter who’s irreplaceable, gone. Just painful.
Last year I had a card from my “bump” – we’d known about our little baby for 3 weeks at Christmas time last year. Last year we were full on anticipation, so excited about the prospect of becoming parents, so excited about 2010.
This year there is no bump, there is our angel baby. No excitement, just hanging onto some hope for 2011 by a fragile thread. This year we are parents. Today I opened a gift ‘from’ Anabelle, Jon opened a gift ‘from’ Anabelle. Little things from eachother, ‘from’ our baby was appropriate. Jon had letter poem from Belle and a small angel girl statuette, I had a ‘ Me and My Mummy’ photo frame with obviously, photos of me and Belle together in. Perfect in the only way it could be.
And of course, today we lit a candle for Anabelle; a special white and glittery Christmas tree candle accompanied by glittery silver tea lights. Anabelle was the centre piece of our table today. Her things were our decoration. Along with her candles we also had a little angel cracker for Anabelle. Inside was a place card with her name on, an angel decoration, an angel charm, another candle. I love the place card completely – her name on it, especially made for and belonging to Anabelle. Anabelle was with us today, included in everything. Our darling girl we love you so much, more than you could ever know. Mummy and Daddy hope you have had a beautiful first Christmas day in heaven little angel.
Perfect, in the only way it could be. Painful, because it isn’t how it should be.
Saturday, 25 December 2010
Dear Daddy
Dear Daddy
I miss you so much,
And I know that you miss me too,
But today it is Christmas day,
And this is my message for you.
Daddy I love you always,
I’m so happy that you are mine,
And I love my Mummy too.
We will all be reunited in time.
I am your angel in heaven,
You do not need one on the tree,
I’m flying around right above you,
I just wish you could see me.
I’m really good with my wings now,
They are really so much fun.
I keep visiting all the stars,
And I even found my one.
I saw you in my garden place with Mummy,
And all the pretty bubbles for me,
I caught them all one by one in heaven,
And now they are like baubles on my tree.
Today I’m going to a party,
Mummy would love it if she could see,
A beautiful new dress for me to wear,
It’s all pink and white and sparkly.
Great-Grandad is going to take me,
I will play with the other angels too,
I don’t need any presents to open here,
My bubbles are my favourite from you.
I am so proud to call you my Daddy,
You are such a strong amazing man,
I know my Mummy loves you like I do,
We are both your biggest fans!
Our hearts are connected forever,
You plus Mummy equals Me,
I look so much like my Daddy,
Your girl I’ll always be.
I’ve sent down a little present,
To put under my pretty pink tree,
Your name is written on it, dear Daddy,
A little gift to you, from me.
Feel floaty kisses on your cheek Daddy,
As I say a Christmas goodbye to you,
Feel my wings as they flutter by,
And know that I’ll always heart you.
All my Love, Angel Anabelle x x x
Thursday, 23 December 2010
Beautifully Thoughtful
It is so easy to focus on all the people who are insensitive, all the things that upset or hurt me. It is easy to focus completely on myself and my grief, because it is all-consuming.
But there have been so many times this month where people have been so thoughtful. The gestures that let me know they are thinking of me. The people who’ve given us angel ornaments and angel things, the light up candle, the special bauble and glittery butterfly for Anabelle. Each of these things gestures have been shining moments amongst the huge difficulties we are facing this Christmas. It touches our hearts that other people remember and think of our daughter too.
It is hugely touching that people remember us.
Today in the post we received a truly wonderful surprise; a voucher for a night’s stay at our “happy place” hotel including dinner, breakfast and 2 mini spa treatments. The ladies in my virtual world community have taken the time to contribute and organise this treat for me and Jon. It was completely unexpected and we are overwhelmed by their kindness and generosity. I think it is a beautifully thoughtful gesture. It made our day and is another bright shining moment.
Spending time in our happy place is something we will look forward to and has bought smiles to our faces.
The same ladies have organised a part 2 to their surprise. A part 2 after all they’ve already done – this friendship community really is quite something! I am to understand that part 2 is something for Belle and they are hoping it will arrive with us tomorrow on Christmas Eve. I think Anabelle has been a spoilt angel this Christmas; people have added to her tree, given us and sent us things in her memory. I really do hope part 2 arrives tomorrow in time for Christmas, because we are both looking forward to finding out what else these fabulous ladies have done to mark her first festive season.
And so to everyone who has taken the time to think of us and Anabelle, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Tuesday, 21 December 2010
Half Time Year
Today is a day I’ve been dreading. It is Anabelle’s 6th month birthday. The day that marks half a year has gone by without her. We seem to be dealing with everything at the same time at the moment; her 6 month day, Christmas and the end of 2010, start of another. I officially hate December.
Sometimes it feels like no time has passed at all, and that we only lost her yesterday. Sometimes it feels like it felt a long time ago, and this has been the longest 6 months of my entire life. Sometimes it doesn’t even feel real, and that there was never a baby in our lives at all, and this is some huge nightmare that I will wake up from. Does that even make any sense?
Sometimes I cannot believe we are living this. I guess this is what I mean when I say sometimes it feels so raw and others times so numb. This is what I mean when I say time moves differently now – the passage of time feels so mixed up.
My entire life feels mixed up.
Yesterday Mum and me had planned to go over to Cribbs Mall to spend the surprise money Jon had given me to (in his words) ‘buy myself something pretty with’ – but the snow cancelled the trip. So we have been today instead, and Anabelle must’ve known her Mummy would be sad today; she sent me a sign to cheer me up, to tell me she is always there and all around in everything I do.
Because my something pretty just so happens to be a dress called “Belle” – it is perfect and definitely from her; I knew it as soon as I saw it. Our little lady knew what she wanted me to spend her Daddy’s money on that’s for sure, because it was exactly the amount he had given me!
So on her 6th month birthday, I have a dress with the same name as her. See I knew we would make a good team spending his money one day. It’s just not the way I wanted it to be.
It is going to be a pink Christmas in the Morgan household. Tonight, as another way of marking her special day, we put up Anabelle’s 3ft pink tree. Even Fiz joined in with the decorating. Showing lots of interest in the pink baubles!
Neither of us could face putting up the big tree this year, and so we bought a little pink girly one, for Anabelle to match the one in her garden. It is another way of including her – making her the Christmas focus in our home and somehow getting us all through it.
There are quite a few angels and special things on Belle’s tree; her angel engraved bauble that we bought for her, the same angel that sits at the top of the tree in her garden, angel ornaments or baubles that people have seen and kindly given to us after thinking of her.
But one thing is certain; a real angel belongs to us for Christmas this year, Christmas time and always. Despite all the angels on our tree, the angel that matters most of all is looking over us in heaven.
Happy half birthday our angel. Mummy and Daddy love you to the moon and back, always.
Sunday, 19 December 2010
Snowbright Candlelight
Today has been quite monumental. I know how dramatic that sounds. But today, for the first time in 6 months, I actually felt carefree for half hour. For half an hour I had fun – proper, not a care in the world, fun. You know what I had actually forgotten what that felt like.
This afternoon my nearly sister-in-law wanted to build a snowman. So off we went out into my parents garden; me, Jon, my brother and her and built ourselves a little snowman! (or woman actually as we’ve since named her Sally Snowman!) Four adults in their mid to late twenties behaving as little children! I can honestly say I think that’s the first time I’ve built a snowman as an adult, first time I’ve played in the snow as an adult. Of course the whole thing turned into a big snowball fight, and for that short time I lost myself. There was something liberating about being able to walk around my parent’s garden kicking and throwing snow, as if I was a little girl again. I briefly re-experienced carefree.
It has been a good day and it is refreshing to be able to say that isn’t it. Today has been my shining light amongst the week that is to come.
Tonight I went to the “Carols by Candlelight” service at church. It looked so pretty with the hundreds of candles around flickering in the darkness. Each one representing that Jesus was born to be the light of the world; to shine in our darkness.
We have lit more candles since Anabelle has died that at any other time in our lives. Two little candles sit under her photograph on our cabinet; one from Mummy and one from Daddy. Lighting the candles comforts me, I pretend that Anabelle can see the little light from heaven and knows that we’re thinking of her.
But more than that those candles represent our hope; our hope in this darkness. Sometimes hope is thin on the ground, almost non-existent. But a flickering candle seems to be able to reignite it – the warm glow of the flame seems able to melt away the ever growing fears. That one day new happiness will outweigh the constant pain and sadness we feel now.
In our school Christmas concert we sang about Christmas candles. The second verse stuck out to me – so eloquently describing the importance of the candle in our grief.
Light a candle to shine in the window
To chase away fear and despair,
Light a candle to send out the message,
We have plenty of kindness to share.
Christmas candle shining light,
Christmas candle burning bright.
And so for Christmas we have bought Anabelle a special candle to go on our Christmas table. A whilte and glittery candle, shaped as a Christmas tree. We’ll light it and let it burn for her all day.
Chasing away our fear and despair and being our shining light.
Friday, 17 December 2010
All I Want For Christmas Is New Year's Day...
…is a song by the Hurts. Have never heard of them before but this song was flagged up on the Sands forum this afternoon. This song just about sums it up, apart from one thing. It isn’t all I want for Christmas. Of course it isn’t remotely possible, but my daughter back for Christmas would be at the top of my list this year. But I cannot have Anabelle, and so getting through to New Year’s Day sums it up.
It is not quite Christmas, but it’s white outside. Once upon a time I would’ve been excited about the prospect of a white Christmas. There are plenty of songs about snow at Christmas, but not once in my lifetime have I actually seen one. Looks like the probability of there being snow this Christmas is increasing, but even the snow won’t make this one magical or special. In fact, if a heavy snowfall prevented us from getting to Anabelle’s garden on Christmas Day I would feel like we had totally failed her. I need to go and mark the day with her there. Visiting her is part of our Christmas Day plan and therefore snow isn’t.
It should’ve all been so different.
Thursday, 16 December 2010
A School's Christmas
Another day in work and I can officially say I survived my first half term back in work. For the most part it has been like I was never away, two weeks in and I felt like I had found my feet again. Quickly snapped back into my teacher mode and got on with what needed doing.
Today, in fact has probably been the hardest day since my return. Christmas party day.
The Christmas activities haven’t really fazed me until today. The concert was fine – I had my role on the piano, being involved in the nativity hasn’t bothered me. After all, the nativity is the reason we have Christmas. The Christian aspect of Christmas is ok, I seem to be able to deal with it. In fact I’ve filled Christmas with it. I’m involved at church Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
But today; the party, the presents for the children, the Father Christmas visit was too much. By 9:00am I already felt like I needed a cry. Of course I didn’t cry though – I was at work and at work I’m the professional, I am responsible for leading a class of children and staff. However hard the Christmas party was for me personally, professionally it is part of my job to contribute to making Christmas time special for the children in my care. The show had to go on.
I cannot pretend it doesn’t hurt me though. Buying and wrapping presents for other people’s children, making a fuss about Father Christmas for other people’s children, the party for other people’s children. All painful reminders of the things I cannot do with my own child.
No presents to wrap for Anabelle, no visit to Father Christmas for Anabelle, no parties to go to with Anabelle. Never any of these things with my own daughter. Not this year, not any year.
To be honest after the last fortnight in work I’ve had about as much of Christmas as I can take. I’ve done my bit now. The bit I had to do.
But, I made it. We finish for the holiday tomorrow and I can hope that for the next week I can have a ‘break’ from it before the big day arrives. I am aware that this may involve some hibernating at home.
I have to keep reminding myself that this build up will be far worse than the actual day. Christmas Day we have a plan. We’ll stick to the plan and we’ll get through it.
My plan between now and then? Have as little to do with it as possible!
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- After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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