Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Sunday, 26 December 2010

Anabelle's First Christmas

Christmas day 2010 in a nutshell?
Painful and perfect.  
Contradictory? Yes. But let me explain.
Painful that we celebrated our daughter’s first Christmas at her graveside. Painful that at home there were no presents under the tree for her. Painful that the first Christmas we wanted tending to a baby wasn’t to be. Painful that we opened angel presents from our angel daughter without her here. Painful that Anabelle’s place at our table was her candle and place card instead of her being. Just painful.
But, and I can hardly believe I’m saying this, it’s also been perfect. In its own way, in the only way it could be.
Everything that we could’ve done to mark Anabelle’s first Christmas has been perfect.  Our little lady was the very essence of everything today.  Anabelle has had her first Christmas. I hope she enjoyed it from above.
This morning we went to church. I’ve never been to church on Christmas day before, but this year it felt right. I wanted to start the day off there. It felt peaceful to start today off with singing a few carols, to start today off in quiet reflection.
From there we went to Anabelle’s garden. My, did it look beautiful with a white sheet of snow over it. I know I said earlier in the week that not even snow could make this Christmas magical, but somehow, in its own quite twisted way, it did. It made Anabelle’s little place look wonderful. It made all the difference up there today. Not many babies can say their first Christmas was a white one, but angel Anabelle can!

Anabelle had her first Christmas present. We’d bought it all the way back in May, before she died. We were out buying our nieces their birthday presents and I saw a bubble machine that I decided would be perfect for bath time. Of course this would’ve been wasted on a brand new baby, but I thought that by Christmas, when she should’ve been 4 or so months old and taking more notice it would be lovely. So we bought it. We bought our daughters first little Christmas present and then only weeks later she died.
Anabelle had her bubbles today. We filled the machine with bubble mixture and watched the bubbles cover her garden. I held the machine in the air and watched the bubbles float away up to heaven. It really all was beautiful. So very fitting for our daughter and just the way we planned today.
Perfect in the only way it could be.  
We had her present today but we didn’t have her. It is all backwards. A present here, that could so easily be replaced, but our daughter who’s irreplaceable, gone.  Just painful.
Last year I had a card from my “bump” – we’d known about our little baby for 3 weeks at Christmas time last year. Last year we were full on anticipation, so excited about the prospect of becoming parents, so excited about 2010.
This year there is no bump, there is our angel baby. No excitement, just hanging onto some hope for 2011 by a fragile thread. This year we are parents. Today I opened a gift ‘from’ Anabelle, Jon opened a gift ‘from’ Anabelle. Little things from eachother, ‘from’ our baby was appropriate. Jon had letter poem from Belle and a small angel girl statuette, I had a ‘ Me and My Mummy’ photo frame with obviously, photos of me and Belle together in.  Perfect in the only way it could be.

And of course, today we lit a candle for Anabelle; a special white and glittery Christmas tree candle accompanied by glittery silver tea lights. Anabelle was the centre piece of our table today. Her things were our decoration.  Along with her candles we also had a little angel cracker for Anabelle. Inside was a place card with her name on, an angel decoration, an angel charm, another candle. I love the place card completely – her name on it, especially made for and belonging to Anabelle.  
Anabelle was with us today, included in everything. Our darling girl we love you so much, more than you could ever know. Mummy and Daddy hope you have had a beautiful first Christmas day in heaven little angel.
Perfect, in the only way it could be. Painful, because it isn’t how it should be.

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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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