Wednesday, 30 March 2011
Forever
22:43 | Posted by
Caz |
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Half an hour ago I walked through my front door and into my living room. I greeted the cat, who as always ran straight to me, picked her up and she curled into me purring. Then I turned around and looked straight at Anabelle's photo.
My beautiful daughter sits in our arms on our mantel piece. I look at her photo's daily, she is in my thoughts almost every hour of the day; but tonight once again the sheer foreverness of life without her has caught me.
How did we not bring her home? We had her, she was there, we held her, loved her, kissed her. But now all we have is photographs of her with us. It is overwhelming that my beautiful baby daughter, in the photograph in her Daddy's arms, holding his finger, never came home. So tiny, so perfect.
I don't understand how I'm supposed to process this. Once again my brain has gone into overload and it seems impossible to accept. How did this happen to us? What happened inside me to make my body fail doing the job it is fundamentally designed to do?
This new life is incredible; for all of the wrong reasons. It is so huge, that even 9 months on my head still cannot fully comprehend all that it really entails. Forever.
We didn't just lose our daughter in her baby years, we've lost her whole life. Her first word, her first steps, her first tooth, her first day at school, her first boyfriend, the day she graduated, the day she should've got married. Everything.
Tuesday, 29 March 2011
Tangled
20:25 | Posted by
Caz |
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Wouldn't it be nice if life really had a fairytale ending?
You know, the one where the lost daughter eventually is rescued and returned to her parents and everyone lives happily ever after...
This evening Jon and I have watched Tangled. The latest Disney film about the life of Princess Rapunzel. Stolen as a baby from her parents and kept locked in a tower in the middle of a forest. Each year, on her birthday, her parent's send lanterns into the sky in memory of their lost little girl. But then after years of being apart from their baby, she comes home and all the years of mourning and anguish are forgotten and over.
I wish our lives would turn out like that. That somehow, years down the line there was some miracle and Anabelle came home. But I know that life is not really a fairytale, people here in the real world cannot come back to life and there will be no happily ever after.
And so instead we wait to be reunited with Anabelle in our own deaths, in the glory of heaven.
Monday, 28 March 2011
The Wedding of Mr and Mrs V
14:09 | Posted by
Caz |
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This morning I stayed in bed and asleep until 11.00am. Such late lazy mornings are rare these days but after such a busy weekend I allowed myself to indulge in a lie in and a PJ day!
Saturday was my brother’s wedding day; the day I’d been really looking forward to and dreading all rolled into one. You’ll remember that my anxiety levels surrounding it all, the families and babies was at an all-time high and I had no idea how my coping mechanisms would pan out on the day.
As it was I needn’t have been so worried. With all major events, significant dates and occasions, it appears once again that the build-up is far worse than the reality. In the hugeness of my brother’s wedding, with over 200 guests, the tiny people just seemed to melt into the large crowd. The room was enormous and they were miles away from me; and with Jon being official photographer and me wearing one of two hats all day (Bridesmaid vs. Photographer’s Assistant!) there was barely any time to think about it.
But above all, it is because I knew they were going to be there. Amongst all the anxieties and panicking I was prepared in some bizzare way; even the tiny newborn baby girl rocked me less than I had anticipated.
So all in all – I declare myself at my brother’s wedding a success and I’m so excited about the new Mr and Mrs V!
The day was beautiful, the bride was beautiful and my brother didn’t scrub up too badly either! We were blessed with tremendous weather and they really couldn’t have looked happier! Everything was just perfect for them, and the only thing that would’ve made my day better would’ve been my beautiful daughter sharing in it too.
Sunday, 27 March 2011
The Census
20:51 | Posted by
Caz |
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So today is census day – the once in a decade requirement to fill in a form all about our households. Initially I was quite looking forward to the census; the first one in my adult life and the first one in my own household.
But then my broken household in all its reality became apparent once again.
Tonight I’ve filled in the census with no mention of person 3 in our lives. As far as the census is concerned Anabelle has never existed, will never exist. With any future census to come, person 3 will become the “wrong” person, as if we’re lucky enough to bring home another baby, our person 4 will be deemed the third.
Our household is always going to be all wrong. A broken home in the worst possible way and I’ve no idea how to make it any better.
Thursday, 24 March 2011
The Liebster Blog Award
22:09 | Posted by
Caz |
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Well it comes to me today to thank Mama Stokes for awarding me with a The Liebster Blog Award yesterday. I know Mama Stokes is one of my regular readers; often sending me an encouraging and thoughtful message after reading my latest post. Our experiences as mother’s are very different but Mama Stokes also blogs about her life as a Mummy and her beautiful daughter Imogen.
I’m quite touched to have been listed as a Liebster Blog Awardee! This blog has been one of my lifelines for the past 6 months since I started it; even if no-one read it I would still write. The outlet to express my grief and life experience as an angel mother is invaluable to my mental recovery but I find it amazing that is also touches other people. This blog is for me but it is also for raising awareness of the real impact of stillbirth.
Today I get to pass on the award to bloggers and blogs that I enjoy and regularly read. In an attempt to ensure the love is spread around I’m going to try and not overlap others that I know have already been nominated!
The Liebster Blog award is for people with ‘little’ blogs (less than 300 subscribers or followers) to share blog love and spread the word.
The rules are:
1. Post displaying the award, (on the right hand side of the page!) linking back to the person who awarded you (check!)
2. Choose your own blog picks (below) and let them know they’re awarded
3. Hope everyone discovers some new favourites
4. Revel in the blog love!
The rules are:
1. Post displaying the award, (on the right hand side of the page!) linking back to the person who awarded you (check!)
2. Choose your own blog picks (below) and let them know they’re awarded
3. Hope everyone discovers some new favourites
4. Revel in the blog love!
So here are my Liebster Bloggers:
- Waiting for Stanley and Lucy – A lady from my Babs virtual world, this a very new blog about this wonderful lady’s experiences as she waits for the start of IVF treatment to have her beautiful family.
- La Douce Vie – a lovely blogger who was immensely supportive of the bereaved mother’s of Mumsnet following the fallout of that disgusting Eastender’s storyline! I love reading about her life in Switzerland!
- Running the Tube Lines – a blog by an angel Daddy whose baby twins died and were stillborn in January 2007. He is currently raising awareness and money for Sands by travelling the entire length of the London Underground!
- Secretly In Bordeaux – another fairly new blog. This lady is another lovely member of my beautiful Babs virtual world. Loving all things fashionable and fabulous, this is the lady to ask about for clothes, hair and make-up advice!
- Imagery Inspired – my husband’s blog. It isn’t wordy like mine. He’s shares just some of the photographs he takes and I think he is fabulous! After Anabelle’s death he immersed himself in a hobby he had had for a long time, now we’re slowly turning it into a business. Imagery inspired by Anabelle.
Happy exploring everyone!
Tuesday, 22 March 2011
A Girl
21:56 | Posted by
Caz |
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22nd March 2010 – one year ago today – we were introduced to our daughter. A morning full of excitement and anticipation; we arrived at the hospital for our 20 week anomaly scan, not giving much thought to the real reason the scan is done and any problems there might’ve been found but all thought as to whether our baby was a boy or a girl.
We’d gone in with two names; one for a boy and one for a girl, and came out with Anabelle Violet. A year ago today, Anabelle was given her little identity and became a little person. What a day it was. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so high – literally flying with excitement that our world was about to become very pink. We came out on a countdown, we were half way there, another 20 weeks and our daughter would be out and home and wonderful.
Only it didn’t work out that way.
How naïve were we. A blissful ignorant trust in how things were supposed to work. Belle wasn’t supposed to die after that. She was just supposed to cook some more and then be born and come home.
How can we ever believe in the miracle of creating a baby again? The innocent excitement of pregnancy has been taken away from us and replaced with an all engulfing fear.
If only we could turn back time.
Monday, 21 March 2011
Nine Months
18:24 | Posted by
Caz |
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Three quarters of a year have now passed without Anabelle. These three month milestones seem to feel somehow bigger than other 21s of the month. The passing of one season to the next. In another three it will be her birthday and summer again. How can it be almost a year since our world crumbled?
The passage of time amazes me. If you’d said to me nine months ago that today I would be functioning relatively well, working and living I would not have believed you. The resilience of the human spirit is a wonderful thing. Even in the darkest days we somehow pull ourselves into some resemblance of normal; from somewhere within us an incredible strength pulls us through.
Of course I’m by no means fixed. But the comparison of me all those months ago and now is vast.
Nine months ago I was a complete emotional wreckage. I couldn’t find the strength to eat, get dressed, breathe, sleep, or stand up. The pain in my chest was so real and so hard it wouldn’t have surprised me if my heart had stopped beating; it broke.
Today I’m emotionally scarred. My heart is stuck back together with some sticky tape. I know it will never be quite healed. Some days my strength deserts me, some days the physical pain returns, I live a life I wish I didn’t have too; but I would rather have known Anabelle for a short time than never at all. I can live with this life because it means she touched it.
Nine months ago I wouldn’t have believed any hope or joy could enter my life again. Our entire world had crashed around us. All hopes and dreams, all trust in life, blissful ignorance; all shattered.
Today I dare to hope. Admittedly it is feeble and easily extinguished but I sometimes dare to believe there will be things in our life to smile about. Our world is fragile; we know it will never be the same again, our personal tragedy altered all perception of it, we're not quite ready to trust it again. But it is amazing how far we have come. Today with some trepidation we attempt to look forward, to try and find some new hopes and dreams. Dreams that are different now, but still include Belle in them somehow.
Nine months ago our daughter was born sleeping. Today I will light some of the pretty sparkly candles that her Aunt and Uncle bought for her at Christmas time and hope she knows how much I love her.
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- After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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Written by C.E Morgan. Powered by Blogger.