Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

A Girl

22nd March 2010 – one year ago today – we were introduced to our daughter. A morning full of excitement and anticipation; we arrived at the hospital for our 20 week anomaly scan, not giving much thought to the real reason the scan is done and any problems there might’ve been found but all thought as to whether our baby was a boy or a girl.

We’d gone in with two names; one for a boy and one for a girl, and came out with Anabelle Violet. A year ago today, Anabelle was given her little identity and became a little person. What a day it was. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so high – literally flying with excitement that our world was about to become very pink.   We came out on a countdown, we were half way there, another 20 weeks and our daughter would be out and home and wonderful.

Only it didn’t work out that way.

How naïve were we. A blissful ignorant trust in how things were supposed to work. Belle wasn’t supposed to die after that. She was just supposed to cook some more and then be born and come home.

How can we ever believe in the miracle of creating a baby again? The innocent excitement of pregnancy has been taken away from us and replaced with an all engulfing fear.

If only we could turn back time. 

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

The sad thing is pregnancy will now always be a scary time and yes the blissful ignorance is gone forever and always. After I had my second miscarriage my third pregnancy was so scary that by the end of it i actually had a nervous breakdown. I was not actually expecting to come home with a baby and when i did it was the most precious time of my life. It was so bitter sweet because i knew that i was responsible for the most precious thing in the whole world to me and it terrified me because after all i had been through i honestly felt as if i would die if things went wrong again. On the flip side you get a gift of pure appreciation for the life your baby has. I didn't get tired of night feeds (actually i felt as if i was missing out when she started sleeping all night)i love every aspect of caring for my baby and i can honestly say because i am now aware of how lucky i am i thank god every single day for my baby...I am not entirely sure i would have this appreciation and happiness if i had not been through the things i have been-i will never ever know. This by no means makes sense of why these things happen to us or does it make things any easier. Turning back time is never an option but if it was i would not go back because without the loss i would not be me but someone else because its the things that happen to us and touch our hearts that make us who we are. God Bless you, you really are amazing and are grieving with dignity. It may bring little comfort but your admired by a lot of people and are in a lot of peoples prayers. I wish nothing but a life and future full of happy surprises for you - i say surprises because i am sure you are expecting life to be this tragic always...tragedy does that to you!! xxx

Anonymous said...

Caz, you are very brave to be able to write your thoughts and feelings so well. I was brought up to hide my feelings from the world and so, through all that I and my family have been through, I suffer alone, unable to share the hurt I feel. I listen and support those around me and offer words of advice and comfort, but am unable to share anything of me. Always the strong one, occasionally accused of being hard or unfeeling. I agree with the previous comment, what we live through makes us who we are.

Caz you're coping well. It may not feel like it, but you are getting throught it the best way you know how, and that is what 'coping' IS. My friend recently sat by her ill mother's bedside saying she "couldn't do it". I replied that not doing it wasn't an option. She would get through it no matter how much it hurt or how bad she felt and whatever the outcome. She would come out the other side and she will have 'coped'. All we can do is go on, doing what we feel is best at any given time.

Caz I admire you and how you're focusing on raising awareness and helping others in the same situation. I am proud to know you. XXX

Caz said...

Thank you both xx

motherporridge said...

I don't know whereabouts you live but a friend of mine who's baby boy was born asleep had a great deal of support from this organisation. http://www.selsands.org.uk/
xxx

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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