Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Monday, 21 March 2011

Nine Months

Three quarters of a year have now passed without Anabelle.  These three month milestones seem to feel somehow bigger than other 21s of the month.  The passing of one season to the next. In another three it will be her birthday and summer again.  How can it be almost a year since our world crumbled?

The passage of time amazes me. If you’d said to me nine months ago that today I would be functioning relatively well, working and living I would not have believed you. The resilience of the human spirit is a wonderful thing. Even in the darkest days we somehow pull ourselves into some resemblance of normal; from somewhere within us an incredible strength pulls us through.

Of course I’m by no means fixed. But the comparison of me all those months ago and now is vast.

Nine months ago I was a complete emotional wreckage. I couldn’t find the strength to eat, get dressed, breathe, sleep, or stand up. The pain in my chest was so real and so hard it wouldn’t have surprised me if my heart had stopped beating; it broke.

Today I’m emotionally scarred. My heart is stuck back together with some sticky tape. I know it will never be quite healed. Some days my strength deserts me, some days the physical pain returns, I live a life I wish I didn’t have too; but I would rather have known Anabelle for a short time than never at all. I can live with this life because it means she touched it.

Nine months ago I wouldn’t have believed any hope or joy could enter my life again. Our entire world had crashed around us. All hopes and dreams, all trust in life, blissful ignorance; all shattered. 

Today I dare to hope. Admittedly it is feeble and easily extinguished but I sometimes dare to believe there will be things in our life to smile about.  Our world is fragile; we know it will never be the same again, our personal tragedy altered all perception of it, we're not quite ready to trust it again. But it is amazing how far we have come. Today with some trepidation we attempt to look forward, to try and find some new hopes and dreams. Dreams that are different now, but still include Belle in them somehow.  

Nine months ago our daughter was born sleeping. Today I will light some of the pretty sparkly candles that her Aunt and Uncle bought for her at Christmas time and hope she knows how much I love her. 


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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