Thursday, 31 January 2013
I'll Be Your Clown
I'm having an emotional week. Call the Midwife started it, then OBEM added to it, as did a moronic thread on Mumsnet, had a night of bad dreams and Emeli Sande "Clown" has finished me off. Over-sensitive.
Sunday, Call the Midwife told the story of a baby who died a few hours after birth. There was no warning for the programme but as I didn't get around to watch it 'live' I got the gist of it from facebook anyway before watching it on iPlayer the next day. There was no warning on iPlayer either. I'll be honest, I questioned whether I should watch it from the comments on facebook, that is was harrowing, but decided to be brave. I wasn't sure how I was going to react to it initially. It was fairly graphic in parts I suppose, but I watched in numb. I didn't sob through it, I didn't really feel much at all through it. Was it because I was 'expecting' it from facebook? I don't think so. Sometimes I think I'm becoming harder hearted. I watched it and thought 'Wow' that was me, I was that mother, Jon was that father, Anabelle was that dead baby. Not in those circumstances, but we were those people, are those people. The bereaved parents.
But Call the Midwife obviously did affect me, a delayed reaction, in its way I suppose. A little bit later on in the day Alexander had a sudden spurt of confident standing. Lots of pulling himself up and letting go, looking at me as if to say 'Look Mummy, no hands'. He was so proud of himself, so excited that he could do it, and knew he could do it. He was standing up and shouting 'YAY' then sitting back down and clapping himself. It was this, my proud little boy that triggered my tears. Because I'm as proud of him as he is of himself, more proud, and because his sister didn't have the chance to learn all these wonderful things and be proud her herself. I held him tight and cried for his sister. I miss her. Would I have still cried if I hadn't not long before watched Call the Midwife? Probable to be honest, but I guess thinking about the 'early days' exasperated the thoughts somewhat.
Should Call the Midwife have come with a 'warning'? Maybe. It was directly portraying infant death, in a fairly graphic way. But regardless it wasn't the portraying that upset me. I live with it every day, my reality, my grief is every day. Other people described the episode as harrowing. Call the Midwife this week was bold, but even the glimpse of this life portrayed on TV didn't really scratch the surface of what it is really like to be me. So is that what my life is? Harrowing?
However the portraying in Call the Midwife is very different to mentioning this week that has happened on another channel.
One Born Every Minute. I stay away from it because I cannot cope with the happy endings, still. I've not watched it since Anabelle died. Not because of the distressing content, that others would perceive as distressing. My distress is the happy endings. I'm jealous I suppose that I have never, will never and can never experience birth in that way. Yes, we have had Alexander, and Alexander lived, but his pregnancy, his birth was filled with so much fear, a fearful experience rather than one filled with naive expectation. The innocence of pregnancy, the pure excitement, has been taken away from us.
Last night, through the grapevine, forum threads etc. I heard OBEM had shared the story of a baby loss family and them having their rainbow. Much like an episode last series I suppose. Last night people were upset that there had been no warning of the content before the episode had aired.
I took it personally. I know I shouldn't. Over-sensitive.
OBEM were not showing infant death. The were showing rainbow birth. A baby like Xander. But of course their birth included the mention and story of their sibling before them.
I'm told the details of stories like this upset pregnant women, anxious people, people with baby loss history. That it is sensitive and shocking and people need a choice whether they want to watch it or not on TV. The programme should have come with a warning.
Maybe they do, but like I said I took the thread personally. The word warning in this context personally, because it was just somebody telling a story. It could've been my story. There was nothing graphic to see. Just a dead baby mentioned and their story told. Do I need to come with a warning? 'Watch out, she may mention her dead child and it might upset you' label?
You would be surprised possibly, how often bereaved mothers are accused of scaremongering. It has been seen often in the past on Mumsnet, other bereaved parents tell their stories of being accused of scaremongering in real life. The lady who's child is born sleeping is accused of scaring pregnant women if she urges them to contact their midwife with the littlest of concerns, if she urges pregnant women to really concentrate on their movements, to not delay at all if they have slowed down. The mother who's child dies of a routine childhood illness, who urges others to take the virus more seriously and have their child vaccinated to protect themselves and everyone else's children too is accused of scaremongering. The mother who's child dies in an accident who urges parents to wrap their child up in cotton wool and be super safety conscious is accused of scaremongering.
Scaremongering if we tell our stories, because we remind people that yes, children die. It isn't something that only happened a long time ago. But you see we are not scaremongering. Not intentionally. We just desperately want to protect you from our life, those of us brave enough to tell our stories, we want your children to live. We simple want to raise awareness, we want our precious babies and children acknowledged. Not hidden. Not a scary little secret.
Being a bereaved parent isn't catching. Although sometimes it feels like it must be, because of the reactions of others to our stories. So often I feel like I should have that label, that warning. At baby groups when I've been asked 'Is he your first?' and the answer is met with no and my story, and then the awkwardness.
It is tiresome living in a world where it feels like 'them and us'. Bereaved parents and Non-bereaved parents. Tiresome having to worry about how other people feel around us. Them and Us, another reason why I need to go to the local rainbow baby mother and tots group. A room of understanding, no warning needed, no awkwardness met.
Then there was the moronic thread on Mumsnet. The gist; don't mention your dead on facebook. Tipped me over the edge a bit. We have such an unhealthy attitude to death and grief in our society. Unmentionable. Taboo; infant and child death especially. These attitudes are so hurtful when this is your life. Every single day life.
Last night I went to bed unsettled. I didn't sleep. I had bad dreams. At 3.30am I startled awake shouting "Where is the baby? Where is the baby?" bolt upright in bed. Bad dreams.
Maybe I am harrowing.
But I am trying to be understanding of others anxieties, I get it. Honestly, I've had an anxious, utterly terrified my baby was going to die again pregnancy; but I couldn't escape the scary stories, I live the scary story. There was nothing I could do to protect me.
For that reason maybe OBEM in general needs a generic warning; not specific to baby loss, but a warning that pregnancy is unpredictable, anything could happen, lots of different aspects of the whole expereince could be distressing. Baby loss is just one of those aspects, maybe I would be less upset if we were not singled out as the frightening ones. Not singled out. Not them and us.
As an aside I would bet lots of people with baby loss history watched OBEM last night because it was sharing a story of a rainbow baby. Like I did last year. A show of solidarity, support for one of us, brave enough to share.
Today Emeli Sande has made me cry. Her latest single "Clowns" is full of something I can relate to. I'm not sure what, it isn't about baby loss, but somehow, sometimes, something in it fits me. "I'd be smiling if I wasn't so desperate, I'd be patient if I had the time. My life's a circus-circus round in circles, I'm selling out tonight." I listened to it on the way home with the baby and realised I had tears rolling as I drove.
Feeling over-sensitive.
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
#18 Websites
I'm going to skip question #17. Simply because it is practically the same questions as #2! So I'm going to jump on to #18...
My current favourite website is...
Personal Blogs
I don't really browse too far on the internet to be honest. I stick to the websites I know. I spend a lot of time on facebook, twitter, a small forum, pinterest, Mumsnet bloggers network. I follow and read a number of blogs, I blog, it is a community. Blogging is a conversation; carried on after the post has finished with comments, facebook connections and tweets. I love responding to people's blogs and having mine responded to.
I like the live blog roll on the Mumsnet bloggers page, most evenings I browse through and click on lots of random posts when the title takes my fancy. The last random read I found was Mama Marmalade; a post about spousal irritation. It was witty and entertaining and familiarly like Jon and I! I like her writing style. I'm now following her on twitter and enjoyed the latest post of bargaining with siblings too. I can identify with her!
I enjoy reading blogs, I try and read widely and explore many parenting blogs, current affairs and campaign blogs, political blogs, crafty blogs and of course a number of fellow bereaved parent blogs.
Blogging is becoming increasingly popular and I don't think that is a bad thing at all. Like forums, blogging connects people, allows people to share in others lives in a real way, gives normal every day people a voice to be heard, helps people relate to each other, allows stories to be told, awareness to be raised, passions to be followed, allows education on a range of subjects and ideas. Blogs are becoming little personal websites, a space on ready made platforms, or your own platform if you choose to. It is easy to find similar people with same interest and same passions, as well as find completely different and interesting new people!
As well as Mama Marmalade (above), these are just some of the blogs I'm regularly reading at the moment. I hope you enjoy them too, in no particular order...
- The Mule
- Baby Calm
- Growing A Jeweled Rose
- Salt and Caramel
- BabberBlog
- Random Rantings of a Tattooed Mummy
- The Mummy Adventure
- Diary of the Dad
- Pint Sized Rants
- Beth Morey, Beauty from Ashes. Remembering Eve.
- A Father's Grief, Inspired by Ethan. Remembering Ethan.
- and the collective Still Standing Online Magazine.
Monday, 28 January 2013
#16 In Love
Who are you in love with?
Alexander
...and Jon of course, but when Alexander came along I told him a new man had stolen my heart! My baby boy! You could rephrase this question "What are you in love with?" and the answer would be along the same lines; 'Mummyhood'.
So everyone must have seen the Fiat 500L advert by now, the one with the 'Motherhood' song. My friend posted it on facebook and tagged me, and later told me as soon as she saw it she thought of me! Especially the line 'flooding up your timeline with my baby news', apparently.
I can't fathom why! *wink wink*
Should I be offended? No way! I completely unashamedly know that I do flood timelines with my baby news. I don't care, I think most people like the news and photographs I share of Xander. They get enough likes and comments anyway! I'm a heart and life on my sleeve type person, I share a lot here, and I share a lot on facebook. Some people might say too much! We live in social networking age, a digital age and I'm immersed in that, I love sharing my beautiful boy with my friends and wider circle.
I'm so proud of him and what's more I'm so proud of the joy he gives me and Jon. I can't help but want to shout from the rooftops everything that he is to us, everything that he can do, everything that he is learning and simply how amazing he is! I guess the modern day version of shouting from the rooftops is facebook.
I love love love being a Mummy. I'm not trying to be a smug Mummy by saying that, I just honestly adore this role. My heart ached for so long to 'mother', it still does, it still aches to mother Anabelle, but it is filled with so much bursting pride and love mothering Xander.
I often wonder how different being a Mother would have felt if Anabelle had lived. Would I have the same level of appreciation I have now? Would I still be grasping each day like I do now? Would I have lost patience more quickly with broken nights sleep or have been more exasperated on bad days? How differently would our children have been treated if one of our children hadn't died? Would there be difference? Would it be the same, I don't know. We'll never know.
Now of course that isn't to say I never lose patience, or never get exasperated with day to day things. I do, I really do. Tiredness gets the better of me, usually Jon gets the brunt of it. I have bad days like anyone else where I just think 'Five minutes for a sit down would be great'. I'm also aware Alexander has been an 'easy' baby. We've been lucky. He mostly sleeps though, he eats well, he entertains himself with his toys and plays nicely, he isn't a demanding child. So I'm not professing to be super Mum or anything like that. It could all change on the next one if they are more demanding! But I've never wistfully daydreamed of my life before children. I honestly mean that, there is nothing I miss before children. Again, I don't think that makes me better than anyone else, its just genuinely how I feel. Maybe that means I didn't have much of a 'life' before children, nothing interesting going on!
Or maybe it is because my arrival into motherhood was beyond the realms of my imagination. My first experience was death and grief, Anabelle. Broken nights sleep and being under 'house arrest' pales into comparison. It is little wonder I then embrace everything that Alexander brings with him. I guess I just mean that Alexander came along and healed some of my raw edges after Anabelle. He fulfilled something in me. I think this is the part of my life that was supposed to shine.
Somebody once said to me I was 'born to be a mother' - I really think I was, I'm happy for "mother" to define me, this feels like what I was always supposed to be doing, my life revolves around my babies because I want it to. Being Mummy feels natural to me.
Jon and I were saying the other day we feel we bring Xander up differently than how we might've expected to with Anabelle. We love him differently, not more, but there is something different about him, about us. We can't seem to put it into words exactly what we mean. Maybe because he is a rainbow. We certainly have an appreciation for his life, the fact that he is here at all, we're sometimes overprotective, cautious, neurotic, over the top even. We don't assume we're in the parent-club for good, as the video describes and as we know it now, because we're too acutely aware we cannot take his life for granted.
We take (and share) so many photographs. I'm not going to apologise for that! Simply I over share on here, on facebook, because I can! I can because he is here and alive, the preciousness of which will never be lost on me, it is a momentous privilege to be a mother. I feel compulsed to document every moment of his life, because he changes so quickly and I'm scared we'll miss something, or if we were to lose him too I'd have missed too much and not have kept enough memories.
We take (and share) so many photographs. I'm not going to apologise for that! Simply I over share on here, on facebook, because I can! I can because he is here and alive, the preciousness of which will never be lost on me, it is a momentous privilege to be a mother. I feel compulsed to document every moment of his life, because he changes so quickly and I'm scared we'll miss something, or if we were to lose him too I'd have missed too much and not have kept enough memories.
We regularly wish we had more photographs of Anabelle, different photographs of Anabelle. That we had taken more time and thought when capturing her. I wish I had better photographs of her little hands and feet. In the shock of it all there was no time to think about the quality of photos. We have what we have, and what we have of her is precious. But these feelings of regret, I suppose, directly influence the time we spend capturing and sharing everything about Alexander.
We love Alexander with pure relief that he is here, he engulfs and enriches us and we are just utterly in love with him. I hope he always knows just how much.
So yes, the Fiat video does seem strangely familiar in parts, but I wouldn't change it for the world!
Sunday, 27 January 2013
Picks of the Week Four
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| Rough and Tumble Fiz |
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| An epic 14 and half hour get better sleep! |
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| A very bubbly bubble bath |
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| Holding Mummy's hand as we walk along! |
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| Awww |
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| Ball pool fun! |
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| Empty ball pool! Loving it! |
#13 #14 #15 Today
I'm behind. It is apparent I'm not going to finish January's part of 365 Questions. I think I'm going to just leave the left over questions at the end of January and just move on to February... anyway... a bit about my day today.
What did you have for dinner today?
Roast Beef
We joined my Mum, Dad and sister for roast lunch, like we do 95% of Sunday's now. It started off as a meal in the week while I was on maternity leave, but now its become our routine and I love it! We only miss it if we are away or have a different activity arranged. It is my favourite meal of the week. Mum and Dad cook up a great roast; fresh veg, fresh meat. Can't go wrong.
What did you get done?
Tidied Anabelle's garden
After lunch we went up to Anabelle. I'm ashamed to admit we haven't been up since Christmas and her Christmas tree was still up. The weekend following Christmas we were in Plymouth, I'm not sure what happened after that, but last weekend we were in Plymouth again and opportunity to go up, or my energy levels to go up seem to have passed us by.
Whilst clearing up Alexander's Christmas just involved placing cardboard packaging and wrapping paper in the bins, for Anabelle it feels like a major operation. Muddy, messy, dead and rotting flowers. It is no wonder I sometimes can't face it. Its hard, its always going to be hard. Sometimes I feel just numb there, going through the motions of making it tidy. Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling numb. It is a long while since I stood above her grave and sobbed. Mostly I try not to think too hard while I am there.
I've written before how I find it especially hard taking Alexander there; sometimes whether it be because he gets impatient and bored in his buggy and starts creating, or because I can't shake the fear he'll join her in that grave, or because most of the time it is cold and raining and it becomes an even bigger ordeal in poor weather. Not being able to leave Alexander in the car because I can't really see him or hear him if he's in there, and that will make me anxious, but worried about how cold he will be getting in his buggy for too long. Sometimes it feels a rush and a pressure up there and I don't want that. I like to go and be calm and take as much time as I need. Most of the time the weather doesn't give us that luxury. The summer months are so short.
Luckily today we left Alexander with Mum and Dad for the half hour we were up the cemetery, but even on our own the weather was not on our side, as usual, it was bitter.
Today I left feeling awful because we hadn't taken fresh flowers, no excuse other than it was simply a trip to go and take the tree down, because I was feeling increasingly anxious knowing it was still up over a month after Christmas, so we didn't plan flowers. Today it was cold and icy rain, we didn't have sponges and warm water to wash the headstone down. Everything felt weathered today. I continue to leave there every time feeling like we need to make more effort, feeling guilty because the space between our visits continues to be a month or more.
Today, after all the snow and rain everything was mostly sodden and ruined up there and lots needed to be thrown out. It now looks really bare without her pink Christmas tree, garden elephant and snowman but next weekend we'll go and buy her some new pretty garden decorations and things to replace what has been thrown out. Next weekend we'll go again and refresh her garden for the winter.
Oh these are not the jobs a parent should have to do.
Who last called you on the phone?
Jon
He called me about 12:30pm to see if I was going home after church to pick him up before going to Mum and Dad's for dinner. I missed his call and phoned him back at 12.50pm. I didn't go to pick him up, he came up himself on his bike!
Thursday, 24 January 2013
#12 Makes Me Mad
What is making you mad?
Michael Gove
I don't know a lot about politics. I don't pretend to understand it, but what a pillock this man is.
Honestly, he makes my blood boil. Every time there is another teacher or education bashing nonsense article printed in the newspapers, he destroys the morale of the profession some more. This week, AS and A Level proposals, which do not have teacher or higher education support, not to mention the introduction of performance related pay in the papers again this week. Oh and what about his 'flagship' now failing academies anyone? It is depressing.
You would expect the person in the position of Secretary of State for Education to uplift the people who work on the front line, as it were. Aspire to understand and experience the very real challenges in the classrooms across the country so that he can make decisions based on reality. Implement strategies, policies and changes that are relevant, not fashionable or unnecessarily provocative. You would expect some appreciation and acknowledgement of the hard work teacher's do, not just educating our pupils, but often going above and beyond to meet the emotional needs of the children in our care.
But no, instead, at every turn he has belittled, devalued and even attacked the profession, and seems firmly in the camp of ignorant people who just think of a teacher as only working 9-3 and having long holidays. A camp of ignorant people who seem to think anyone can 'teach', a camp of people who continue to belittle our degrees and qualifications. *Rolls eyes* Why the resentment?
Do you remember how he urged parents into classrooms to break a threat of strike from the teaching unions? Would you urge people in off the street to 'cover' an operation if a surgeon went on strike for example? Or cover flying a plane if a pilot went on strike? Of course not. Gove completely undermines the skills of teacher's and refuses to acknowledge us as highly-trained professionals. We are not babysitters.
It is little surprise that parents and public have little respect and support for schools and teacher's when the man at the top is not on our side. Seeking to undermine us in every which way possible.
Do you remember how he urged parents into classrooms to break a threat of strike from the teaching unions? Would you urge people in off the street to 'cover' an operation if a surgeon went on strike for example? Or cover flying a plane if a pilot went on strike? Of course not. Gove completely undermines the skills of teacher's and refuses to acknowledge us as highly-trained professionals. We are not babysitters.
It is little surprise that parents and public have little respect and support for schools and teacher's when the man at the top is not on our side. Seeking to undermine us in every which way possible.
We've put up with this man as Secretary of State for Education for over two and half years now; he's done so much more harm than good in his time in that position yet somehow kept his place in the cabinet in the last autumn reshuffle.
How is beyond me, with an entire profession alienated and an ever increasing cry of #GoveMUSTgo. Follow @govewatch on Twitter for a general gist of the feeling.
The last I heard Mr Gove you had an English degree, not a teaching degree. You do not have QTS. Maybe you should be sticking to what you know, and that is not education... What is even more frightening is that I keep hearing the rumour he is tipped to be the next Conservative party leader!
With men like him in charge in Westminster I'm thankful for devolution and the Severn bridge border.
Wednesday, 23 January 2013
#11 Accessories
What is your favourite accessory?
Anabelle's bracelet
I'm not a accessory heavy type girl. I don't wear lots of jewellery, or even own lots of jewellery infact. I'm minimalistic; my job and being Mummy isn't conducive to lots of jewellery. Mostly these days I just wear my wedding ring and stud earrings, but these are two pieces of jewellery missing that I wish I could wear more.
My engagement ring, which is damaged and in long need of repair. I haven't worn it since last May and miss it daily, but in times of late maternity leave, recouping after returning to work and then Christmas, we can never seem to justify the cost. So it sits in the drawer. Who knows, maybe it will romantically reappear on my finger for Valentine's Day, or my birthday... hint hint Mr. Morgan!
But then there is Anabelle's bracelet, which is my favourite accessory, because when I wear it, it feels like I'm carrying a piece of her on me, her handprint. It was made by Pitter Patterns. I had found them while I was pregnant with her and thought it was a beautiful idea, not realising at the time how urgent idea would become. I don't think fingerprint/handprint jewellery was quite so popular then. After we knew she had grown wings we contacted them and they quickly sent us a pack out so we would be able to take special handprints for them to work with. We asked them to take extra special care of them, explaining how precious the handprints were to us, and that we would only be able to take them once, so afterwards the lovely company sent her handprints on paper back to us so they could go in her memory book. Around her due date and beautiful bracelet arrived, her hand print on one side of the heart, her name on the other.
I've stopped wearing daily in recent months for fear of losing it, especially as twice since the summer I thought I had lost it. I can't describe the sickening, frantic feeling, but I was beside myself and sobbed.
The first time we were on holiday in Plymouth and had visited Looe for Xander's first trip to the beach in August. I took it off to change him and had obviously automatically put it inside the pouch of the beach bag, yet I hadn't remembered doing it. When I noticed it was not on my arm sometimes later I felt instantly frantic, panic swept over me as I thought it must've been lost in the sand. But it hadn't. It was ok. Found and worn again.
The second time we were on holiday in Hartlepool in October. We'd taken Xander swimming in the park's pool and obviously I'd taken it off to go in the water and not realised I'd not put it back on afterwards. After swimming, while we were having a drink in the bar, Xander had a series of horrendous nappies (and was the start of a week of illness for us). I thought I'd automatically taken it off to change him as I often do, and when we had finished changing him, I looked for it, all around the baby change toilet, and couldn't find it. I couldn't find it and again I was frantic. We emptied the change bag, the swim bag, we emptied the nappy bin for goodness sake! But we couldn't find it.
It seemed lost forever. Back in the car to drive back to our caravan I sobbed and sobbed, while all Jon could do was hold me saying he didn't know how fix it. 'Only' a bracelet but it felt like I'd lost the piece of her I had left. It isn't 'only' a bracelet at all.
I'm relieved to say on emptying the change bag again, through my tears in the caravan, her bracelet was found. Deep in the pocket where I carry my phone and purse. Somehow we'd missed it in our panic; and we had both looked. A miracle if you ask me.
We made the decision that day, that I was taking it off more and more frequently changing Xander, that I was taking it off because Xander was pulling on it and playing with it and scared he would break it, and that it was probably best not to wear it frequently anymore. I'd already stopped wearing it every day, and now it was going to be left in the drawer even more, because one day, it really would be lost and I would be grief stricken all over again. So now I wear it only at the weekends, maybe only once a week.
I miss it. My arm misses it. It knows it isn't there. As bizzare as it sounds frequently throughout the day I get a 'sensation' around my right wrist, I find myself rubbing it, as if my sub-conscious is searching for Anabelle.
Its precious to me. I feel guilty for not wearing it, maybe we can find another solution, would a simple necklace with her handprint on be better and tucked away near my heart? But anyway, for now, I hope one day, when the nappy changes have finished and there is less need to take it off, that I can wear it daily again.
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- Caz
- After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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