Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Monday, 28 January 2013

#16 In Love

Who are you in love with?


...and Jon of course, but when Alexander came along I told him a new man had stolen my heart! My baby boy! You could rephrase this question "What are you in love with?" and the answer would be along the same  lines; 'Mummyhood'.   

So everyone must have seen the Fiat 500L advert by now, the one with the 'Motherhood' song. My friend posted it on facebook and tagged me, and later told me as soon as she saw it she thought of me! Especially the line 'flooding up your timeline with my baby news', apparently. 

I can't fathom why! *wink wink* 

Should I be offended? No way! I completely unashamedly know that I do flood timelines with my baby news. I don't care, I think most people like the news and photographs I share of Xander. They get enough likes and comments anyway!  I'm a heart and life on my sleeve type person, I share a lot here, and I share a lot on facebook. Some people might say too much! We live in social networking age, a digital age and I'm immersed in that, I love sharing my beautiful boy with my friends and wider circle. 

I'm so proud of him and what's more I'm so proud of the joy he gives me and Jon. I can't help but want to shout from the rooftops everything that he is to us, everything that he can do, everything that he is learning and simply how amazing he is! I guess the modern day version of shouting from the rooftops is facebook. 

I love love love being a Mummy. I'm not trying to be a smug Mummy by saying that, I just honestly adore this role. My heart ached for so long to 'mother', it still does, it still aches to mother Anabelle, but it is filled with so much bursting pride and love mothering Xander. 

I often wonder how different being a Mother would have felt if Anabelle had lived. Would I have the same level of appreciation I have now? Would I still be grasping each day like I do now? Would I have lost patience more quickly with broken nights sleep or have been more exasperated on bad days? How differently would our children have been treated if one of our children hadn't died? Would there be difference? Would it be the same, I don't know. We'll never know. 

Now of course that isn't to say I never lose patience, or never get exasperated with day to day things. I do, I really do. Tiredness gets the better of me, usually Jon gets the brunt of it.  I have bad days like anyone else where I just think 'Five minutes for a sit down would be great'. I'm also aware Alexander has been an 'easy' baby. We've been lucky. He mostly sleeps though, he eats well, he entertains himself with his toys and plays nicely, he isn't a demanding child. So I'm not professing to be super Mum or anything like that. It could all change on the next one if they are more demanding! But I've never wistfully daydreamed of my life before children. I honestly mean that, there is nothing I miss before children. Again, I don't think that makes me better than anyone else, its just genuinely how I feel. Maybe that means I didn't have much of a 'life' before children, nothing interesting going on!

Or maybe it is because my arrival into motherhood was beyond the realms of my imagination. My first experience was death and grief, Anabelle. Broken nights sleep and being under 'house arrest' pales into comparison.  It is little wonder I then embrace everything that Alexander brings with him. I guess I just mean that Alexander came along and healed some of my raw edges after Anabelle. He fulfilled something in me. I think this is the part of my life that was supposed to shine.

Somebody once said to me I was 'born to be a mother' - I really think I was, I'm happy for "mother" to define me, this feels like what I was always supposed to be doing, my life revolves around my babies because I want it to. Being Mummy feels natural to me. 

Jon and I were saying the other day we feel we bring Xander up differently than how we might've expected to with Anabelle. We love him differently, not more, but there is something different about him, about us. We can't seem to put it into words exactly what we mean. Maybe because he is a rainbow. We certainly have an appreciation for his life, the fact that he is here at all, we're sometimes overprotective, cautious, neurotic, over the top even. We don't assume we're in the parent-club for good, as the video describes and as we know it now, because we're too acutely aware we cannot take his life for granted.

We take (and share) so many photographs. I'm not going to apologise for that!  Simply I over share on here, on facebook, because I can! I can because he is here and alive, the preciousness of which will never be lost on me, it is a momentous privilege to be a mother.  I feel compulsed to document every moment of his life, because he changes so quickly and I'm scared we'll miss something, or if we were to lose him too I'd have missed too much and not have kept enough memories. 

We regularly wish we had more photographs of Anabelle, different photographs of Anabelle. That we had taken more time and thought when capturing her. I wish I had better photographs of her little hands and feet. In the shock of  it all there was no time to think about the quality of photos. We have what we have, and what we have of her is precious. But these feelings of regret, I suppose, directly influence the time we spend capturing and sharing everything about Alexander.

We love Alexander with pure relief that he is here, he engulfs and enriches us and we are just utterly in love with him.  I hope he always knows just how much. 

So yes, the Fiat video does seem strangely familiar in parts, but I wouldn't change it for the world! 


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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